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Resume help

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-09 21:09

I can't get a job. After spending four years getting a degree in engineering I now realize that the degree is worthless.

Can someone do me a favor and make me a resume that claims I'm an expert programmer? Just make shit up. If I get hired for something I'll learn the needed programming languages before I start work.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-09 21:11

Just claim to have read and completed all the exercises to TAOCP.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-09 21:28

OK, got it now. For anyone who works with strings in C#, at least on VC# Express, keep this in mind, cause it's weird:

You can LOOK FOR '\n', but in the replace statement, you can't just come out and say '\n', you need to use System.Environment.NewLine.

Weird, but now it works!

using System;
using System.Collections.Generic;
using System.Linq;
using System.Text;
using System.IO;


namespace ConsoleApplication1
{
    class Program
    {
        static void Main(string[] args)
        {

            // create a reader and open the file
            StreamReader tr = new StreamReader("c:\\users\\b\\downloads\\dx\\DX00H.txt");
            StreamWriter wr = new StreamWriter("c:\\users\\b\\downloads\\dx\\output.txt");

            // read the entire file
            string myString=(tr.ReadToEnd());
       
           
            myString = myString.Replace("\"", "");
            //myString = myString.Replace("", ",");
            string b = "\n";
            string c = "," + Environment.NewLine;

            myString = myString.Replace(b,c);
           
            string[] sArray =(myString.Split(','));

            string[][] aLines;


            int i = 0;
            foreach (string s in sArray)
            {
                i++;
                if (i<10)
                    Console.WriteLine(s);
                if (i > 7)
                    wr.Write(s + " ");
           
            }
          
         
            //wr.Write(myString);





            // close the stream
            tr.Close();
         //  Console.ReadLine();

        }
    }
}

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-09 21:36

>>3
I remember back in the day when lines ended in full stops.  These days they have fancy symbols for everything.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-10 0:15

>>3
fuck off

Name: Not OP 2011-03-10 3:09

honest question here: when people hire you as a programmer, engineer or whatever... do they verify your degree? could i just lie on my resume? or how do they do verify this information?

do they call your educational institution? is my college allowed to give out that information? or do they require you to bring in a copy of your degree? could i forge this document? anyone knows?

OP: i'm giving you a generic cover letter... make your own resume. as i'm not a native speaker so this might need some rewriting by someone who has a better grasp of The English Language but I think the basic structure is there.

if you think it sucks for any reason, please let me know.

as you can see from this post, i'm quickly losing all hope at finding a good job. normally this wouldn't bother me so much, but i've learned yesterday that i'm going to become a daddy. since providing for my kid seems more important than keeping my dignity, i present you with:

---------------GENERIC /PROG/ COVER LETTER----------------------

Mr Anderson,

I'm contacting you w.r.t. the job posting for a /PROG/RAMMER that I found on /prog/ (wherever you found it, they love to know this information). I think I would make a good candidate for this position.

As you'll see in my attached resume, I have X years of experience with technology Y. I also worked with A, B and C in my last job. On my own time, I'm learning to work with F and G and am keeping up to date on I,J and K by following website. I believe I could quickly adapt to the technologies and practices at your firm and would strive to be operational in a minimum amount of time.

I'm looking for a "steady" (?) full-time position in an engaging team which uses modern technologies where i would have an opportunity to both learn from and share with my collegues blah blah (something generic about what kind of job you want, describe it like a good thing but make sure it fits the job).

I hope my profile matches the one you're looking for, and I'm looking forward to the opportunity of working with you. If you have any questions or wish to schedule an interview you can contact me on 555.

Sincerly,
Not OP

Name: autism 2011-03-10 3:52

anus

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-10 6:59

>>6
That's a terrible cover letter, truth be told.

And no, I will not post a better one.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-10 7:24

Man, I just suck at writing cover letters, résumés, doing job interviews and everything.
I'm pretty psyched about my next interview, though. I'm fairly sure they'll grill me about my technical skills, which is really an ideal situation for me.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-10 18:50

>>9
You'll probably fail. I'm just saying.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-10 18:56

>>10

fuck you faggot

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-10 19:04

20 years ago people would line up to give you jobs.

What the fuck happened? You work hard in school for everyone to ignore you. You have to do absurd things to get jobs like have 12 internships and be president of 34 clubs. It's ridiculous

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-10 19:10

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-10 19:28

Jobs are for slaves

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-10 19:30

>>13
Hippie shit. I can't believe I read that

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-10 19:44

>>15
Believe it.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-10 19:46

Jobs are good to help you establish connections inside of your industry, if you don't have any yet. But yeah, I wouldn't work for more than a couple of years for the man before going your own way.

At many software companies these days, half of the people are independent contractors who know people at various companies and move around a lot.

Right now, working as an independent myself, I'm starting to put together some things to help me generate residual income.

Jobs are for peasants.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-10 19:47

>>13
stave pavlina is a psychopath

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-10 19:51

picture a person 4000 years ago sitting on the bank of nile complaining they have no bread, then whoop the pharaoh announces a new building development project

this person is overjoyed they can get some bread in return for pushing a couple of rocks around

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-10 21:08

ITT

AUTISM IN ACTION!!!!

Name: VIPPER 2011-03-10 22:14

>>19
JEWS

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-10 22:19

Get certified with Java and you're in the money. Companies will be bidding over you trying to grab you and you can just sit back and enjoy it

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 2:24

After spending four years getting a degree in engineering I now realize that the degree is worthless.
Oh, boy. Welcome to the real world, buddy. Btw, did you know that there's no Santa Claus? Well, now you know. More stunning revelations ahead.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 2:37

It's amazing how many people think higher education is the automatic ticket to employment and good money.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 3:38

In Soviet Russia, good money is the automatic ticket to higher education.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 4:01

>>25
There are no good money or higher education in Russia. Only raw commodities, extraction of which are under control of greedy jewish mafia families, who guard their rights with personal armies and security systems, akin to KGB.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 4:03

>>26
Remember: every time you buy oil from russia, you sponsor world zionism.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 5:03

>>13
Steve Pavlina
Love these self-help gurus. Anyone, who knows enocomics can prove, that his advices simply can't work, but he still aggregates enough mindless followers to earn him $40,000 month. I bet he is of jewish descent. Hope his time will come.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 5:04

>>28
>Anyone, who knows economics
self fix

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 5:06

Anyone, who knows enocomics can prove, that his advices simply can't work
PUNCTUATION DISASTER DETECTED

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 5:08

>>30
Anyone, who knows enocomics, can prove
self fix

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 5:11

>>30
Bah there is no punctuation in Engrish

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 6:24

>>16
Habeeb it!

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 6:26

>>27
And what's wrong with that?

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 6:30

>>34
Love being a slave?

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 8:40

>>35
Love being a nigger? Get the fuck out.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 8:51

>>36
Back to Auschwiz, jew.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 9:09

>>36
☣ Please try to ignore troll posts☣

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 17:59

When did this board get infested with liberal hippie non-conformist pieces of shit?

Yeah, not having a job is so cool, faggots. Go smoke your weed and make fun of the government elsewhere.

Name: Dark Stranger 2011-03-11 18:29

>>39
gentle caress

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 19:31

>>39
eat shit and die fucking fag i fucking hate you

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-11 19:37

>>39
smoke weed everyday

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-12 7:11

tell them you wrote an ansi c compiler when you were 10

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-12 23:48

tell them you wrote an ansi c compiler when you were 9

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-12 23:56

tell them you wrote an autism compiler when you were 9

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-13 0:16

Tell them you browse /prog/

Instant Job

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-13 1:18

Tell them that you've implemented loeb in CL.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-13 3:35

If you're actually a good programmer then do some projects to show it off, put them online, advertise them on forums or your blog or whatever, and mention them in your resume.
That demonstrates both basic competency and enthusiasm, and helps your resume stand out. That's the tip I've gotten from recruiters - though this is for highly-skilled general positions. If you're applying for specific positions with posted requirements, getting past HR is going to be somewhat harder.
It was a bit depressing to filter through the code I've written during university and realize that none of it is suitable for showing to employers. I wish I had spent that time better.

And talk to your family, and friends of your family and mention that you are looking for a job. Knowing someone who knows someone is a common way to an entry-level job.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-13 22:02

>>48
I'm a terrible programmer.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-17 2:23

HELP ME

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-17 4:22

>>48
Knowing someone who knows someone is a common way to an entry-level job.
Social skills are the best way to get a job. People hire their loyal and stupid relatives more willingly, than just independent highly skilled professionals.

Name: Anonymous 2011-03-17 4:23

>>51
Stray comma detected.

Don't change these.
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