Resume help

I can't get a job. After spending four years getting a degree in engineering I now realize that the degree is worthless.

Can someone do me a favor and make me a resume that claims I'm an expert programmer? Just make shit up. If I get hired for something I'll learn the needed programming languages before I start work.

If you're actually a good programmer then do some projects to show it off, put them online, advertise them on forums or your blog or whatever, and mention them in your resume.
That demonstrates both basic competency and enthusiasm, and helps your resume stand out. That's the tip I've gotten from recruiters - though this is for highly-skilled general positions. If you're applying for specific positions with posted requirements, getting past HR is going to be somewhat harder.
It was a bit depressing to filter through the code I've written during university and realize that none of it is suitable for showing to employers. I wish I had spent that time better.

And talk to your family, and friends of your family and mention that you are looking for a job. Knowing someone who knows someone is a common way to an entry-level job.