Resume help

I can't get a job. After spending four years getting a degree in engineering I now realize that the degree is worthless.

Can someone do me a favor and make me a resume that claims I'm an expert programmer? Just make shit up. If I get hired for something I'll learn the needed programming languages before I start work.

picture a person 4000 years ago sitting on the bank of nile complaining they have no bread, then whoop the pharaoh announces a new building development project

this person is overjoyed they can get some bread in return for pushing a couple of rocks around