Resume help

I can't get a job. After spending four years getting a degree in engineering I now realize that the degree is worthless.

Can someone do me a favor and make me a resume that claims I'm an expert programmer? Just make shit up. If I get hired for something I'll learn the needed programming languages before I start work.

Man, I just suck at writing cover letters, résumés, doing job interviews and everything.
I'm pretty psyched about my next interview, though. I'm fairly sure they'll grill me about my technical skills, which is really an ideal situation for me.