So, a neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
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Anonymous2010-09-19 16:28
So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the snake.
The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
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Anonymous2010-09-19 16:30
A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."
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Anonymous2010-09-19 17:06
A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve rope here." So the rope leaves, messes himself up and ties himself together. He goes back in and the bartender says, "We don't serve rope! Hey wait, weren't you just in here?" The rope says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
A poor lounger ventures into the imageboards to post, but decides to have a little "fun." He's banned by Mr. 8.
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Anonymous2010-09-19 17:33
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
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Anonymous2010-09-19 17:34
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual.
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Anonymous2010-09-19 17:36
I went to the butcher's the other day, and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He looked at me and said, "No, the steaks are too high."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
>>16
I'm going to go with this one, because that one isn't so good.
Captain Aubrey: "Do you see those two weevils, Doctor?...Which would you choose?"
Dr. Maturin: "Neither. There's not a scrap of difference between them. They're the same species of Curculio."
Captain Aubrey: "If you had to choose. If you were forced to make a choice. If there were no other option."
Dr. Maturin: "Well, then, if you're going to push me. I would choose the right-hand weevil. It has significant advantage in both length and breadth."
Captain Aubrey: "There, I have you!...Do you not know that in the Service, one must always choose the lesser of two weevils?"
This thread makes me smile. :) I'm so glad no one knows about the text boards.
Also,
A banker decides to open a coal mine, and the foreman he hires promises him that the miners will mine 10 tons of coal per day. After a week, the banker checks his records and finds that he's only getting 7 tons of coal per day.
Disappointed, the banker calls the foreman and asks, "Why are you behind, is there something wrong?"
The foreman says, "Well sir, it's too dark for the miners to see, but they could meet the quota if only they had some flashlights."
The banker says, "Ok, I'll buy you the flashlights if it will help you meet the quota."
A week later, the banker checks his records and finds that they're only mining 9 tons of coal per day.
Frustrated, the banker calls the foreman and asks, "What's wrong? I bought you the flashlights, but you're still behind!"
The foreman answers, "Well sir, the miners can't hold the flashlights and the picks at the same time, but they could meet the quota if only they had some headlamps."
Aggravated, the banker says, "FINE, I'll buy you headlamps, but you better meet the quota!"
The next week, the banker's records show that the miners are down to only 3 tons of coal per day.
Furious, the banker drives down to the mine to see what the problem is, and when he arrives, all the miners are sitting down resting.
Enraged, he yells at the foreman, "What the hell? I bought you flashlights, I bought you headlamps, but now you're mining less than before!"
The foreman points at the miners and says, "Can't you see sir? They're all light-headed!"
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Anonymous2010-09-19 19:29
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
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Anonymous2010-09-19 19:31
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Lol, first I read that as "they could meet the quota if only they had some fleshlights."
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.
He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
>>35
That sort of thing could be done with a trivial Greasemonkey script, actually. Look around on /prog/, they've got a good collection of scripts over there. The "similar thread" one that parsed subject.txt was pretty interesting.
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Anonymous2010-09-19 22:17
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Superman was flying around up in the sky looking for people in need of help when he happened to look down upon the beach and Wonder Woman nude sunbathing. He thought to himself, "I have always wanted to hit that. Wait a minute, I'm Superman; I can fly down there and fuck that and be done before she even knows what hit her!"
So he decides he's going to do it. In the blink of an eye, he flies down, fucks her and finishes and flies away before she even knows what happened.
Startled, Wonder Woman sits up, exclaiming, "What the hell was that?!"
The Invisible man gets up off her and replies, "I don't know, but my ass hurts like hell."
Peter's infinite penis is rolled up. Then Peter sees a naughty magazine. He gets an erection, his penis unrolls, circles the Earth, and comes back into his anus. Then the penis penetrates him and continues inside itself. This continues infinitely.
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"
>>56
meant to quote >>54 , I was thinking ahead about my GET
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Anonymous2010-09-26 11:23
Peter's infinite penis is rolled up. Then Peter sees a naughty magazine. He gets an erection, his penis unrolls, circles the Earth, and comes back into his anus. Then the penis penetrates him and continues inside itself. This continues infinitely.
Name:
Anonymous2010-09-26 11:25
I like the jokes that have a long set-up, with not necessarily a funny punchline.
Name:
Anonymous2010-09-26 16:10
I once stuck myself to an envlope. Ever since then, I been the stamp.
I once spent a night in a tent. Ever since then, I been the camp.
I was homeless once. Ever since then, I been the tramp.
I once artificially boosted a thread. Ever since then, I been the bamp.
I was an inclined plane once. Ever sice then, I been the ramp.
I drank human blood once. Ever since then, I been the vamp.
I shed light on something once. Ever since then, I been the lamp.
Once I was moist. Ever since then, I been the damp.
I even hung onto something once. Ever since then, I been the clamp.
My offspring had kids. Ever sice then, I been the gramp.
I was even a unit of electricity. Ever since then, I been the amp.
Bruce is driving over the Sydney
Harbor Bridge one day when he
sees his girlfriend, Sheila about
to throw herself off. Bruce slams
on the brakes and yells, "Sheila,
what the hell d'ya think you're
doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear
in her eye and says, "G'day
Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and
so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat
when he hears this,looks her in
the eye and says "Strewth
Sheila... Not only are you a great
shag, but you're a real sport
too."