joke thread

Three guys are walking down the street; two walk into a bar, and the third one ducked.

Three baby seals head to the club.

what is going on?

>>3
bad joke aplenty.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Hitler was right
Killing those jews

What's black, white, and red all over?
A zebra that's been hit by a bus

>>5
That's not really a joke.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive"

>>7

So, a neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the snake.
The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."

A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."

A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve rope here." So the rope leaves, messes himself up and ties himself together. He goes back in and the bartender says, "We don't serve rope! Hey wait, weren't you just in here?" The rope says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

I have one!

A poor lounger ventures into the imageboards to post, but decides to have a little "fun." He's banned by Mr. 8.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual.

I went to the butcher's the other day, and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He looked at me and said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

>>16
I'm going to go with this one, because that one isn't so good.

Captain Aubrey: "Do you see those two weevils, Doctor?...Which would you choose?"
Dr. Maturin: "Neither. There's not a scrap of difference between them. They're the same species of Curculio."
Captain Aubrey: "If you had to choose. If you were forced to make a choice. If there were no other option."
Dr. Maturin: "Well, then, if you're going to push me. I would choose the right-hand weevil. It has significant advantage in both length and breadth."
Captain Aubrey: "There, I have you!...Do you not know that in the Service, one must always choose the lesser of two weevils?"

>>16

I burst out laughing at this one.

"Waiter, there's a twig in my Bird's Nest Soup."
"Just a moment, sir, I'll call the Branch Manager."

Dogcatchers get paid by the pound.

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
"You stay here, I'm going on a head.

>>16
lold so hard

How much wood did a wood chuck chuck?
Because a wood chuck can't chuck wood

Two squirrels are in a bar. One says to the other:

"You're drinking a lot more than usual today, is something wrong?"

His sad friend replies:

"I broke up with my girlfriend today."

His friend asks why, and he responds:

"I found out she was crazy."

His friend says:

"That doesn't sound like a good reason to break up with her..."

"Oh, that's not the worst part," the sad squirrel responds.

His friend asks:

"Well, what was the actual reason?"

And the sad squirrel says:

"I also found out she was fucking nuts."

>>23
I Laughed until suffocation.

This thread makes me smile. :) I'm so glad no one knows about the text boards.

Also,

A banker decides to open a coal mine, and the foreman he hires promises him that the miners will mine 10 tons of coal per day. After a week, the banker checks his records and finds that he's only getting 7 tons of coal per day.

Disappointed, the banker calls the foreman and asks, "Why are you behind, is there something wrong?"

The foreman says, "Well sir, it's too dark for the miners to see, but they could meet the quota if only they had some flashlights."

The banker says, "Ok, I'll buy you the flashlights if it will help you meet the quota."

A week later, the banker checks his records and finds that they're only mining 9 tons of coal per day.

Frustrated, the banker calls the foreman and asks, "What's wrong? I bought you the flashlights, but you're still behind!"

The foreman answers, "Well sir, the miners can't hold the flashlights and the picks at the same time, but they could meet the quota if only they had some headlamps."

Aggravated, the banker says, "FINE, I'll buy you headlamps, but you better meet the quota!"

The next week, the banker's records show that the miners are down to only 3 tons of coal per day.

Furious, the banker drives down to the mine to see what the problem is, and when he arrives, all the miners are sitting down resting.

Enraged, he yells at the foreman, "What the hell? I bought you flashlights, I bought you headlamps, but now you're mining less than before!"

The foreman points at the miners and says, "Can't you see sir? They're all light-headed!"

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

“Dam."

What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

Where do you get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.

>>25
If only Mootykins would improve it.Also I quite liked you joke.

>>25

Lol, first I read that as "they could meet the quota if only they had some fleshlights."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.
He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

>>31
That reminds me of another joke: religon.

>>30
Any attempt at improving the textboards would destroy them.

>>32
Win

>>33
I wouldn't say any. I simply mean the ability to hide threads, auto fill etc.

But I suppose you're right.

>>35
That sort of thing could be done with a trivial Greasemonkey script, actually. Look around on /prog/, they've got a good collection of scripts over there. The "similar thread" one that parsed subject.txt was pretty interesting.

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

>>36
Thanks!

What has four legs, a tail, and looks like a Zebra?

a zebra

Whats green and turns red when you push the button?
JEWS