23 Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!”
24 So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.
My favourite bible story is one I remember from school, from Marks Gospel.
Jesus was walking to some town or other and was hungry. He saw a fig tree so said to the disciples "Get me some figs from that fig tree."
The disciples answered that figs were not in season so what he asked was impossible, so Jesus gets butthurt and shouts
"I CURSE THIS FIG TREE TO NEVER BEAR FIGS AGAIN!"
Later on, they were leaving the town and saw that the tree had died. Moral of the story? If Jesus wants some figs you better get him some fucking figs or else he'll lay the sheeny curse on you.
Of course if I was being objective then jesus could have poisoned the tree so that when they left town a few days later he could have gone "SEE, AWESOMA POWAH!" but of course he didn't exist.
I just loved the randomness and the FUCK YOU quality to how jesus acted in that story. Maybe if he'd have had more days like that he wouldn't have got crucified like a muppet
I like the one where Jesus battles Judas outside the gates of Grayskull and slices a guy in half! Fuckin rad
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Anonymous2009-04-21 15:08
>>13
it's in marks gospel redcream. look it up. I actually read all of the new testament for lulz, there's some mad shit in there.
I bet you've never read a book all the way through have you. Good god, this generation
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Anonymous2009-04-21 15:14
The Gospel According to MILKRIBS4k
I am not a homosexual! I am the SON OF GOD!!! You guys are JEWS! wwwwwwwwwwww
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!MILKRIBS4k2009-04-21 15:15
>>15
Please show me a wiki article on it or something, i'm not reading the whole bible to just fine one little story! I have also read plenty of books all the way through so please BACK DOWN
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Anonymous2009-04-21 15:18
>>17
just fucking google it you lazy tard, i'm not your search monkey
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Anonymous2009-04-21 15:19
>>17
I can tell you where it is: Up your butt and around the corner
For all you Catholics out there, the second half of Bel and the Dragon from Daniel 14:
23 And in that same place there was a great dragon, which they of Babylon worshipped.
24 And the king said unto Daniel, Wilt thou also say that this is of brass? lo, he liveth, he eateth and drinketh; thou canst not say that he is no living god: therefore worship him.
25 Then said Daniel unto the king, I will worship the Lord my God: for he is the living God.
26 But give me leave, O king, and I shall slay this dragon without sword or staff. The king said, I give thee leave.
27 Then Daniel took pitch, and fat, and hair, and did seethe them together, and made lumps thereof: this he put in the dragon's mouth, and so the dragon burst in sunder : and Daniel said, Lo, these are the gods ye worship.
That's right, Daniel blew up a fucking dragon!
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Anonymous2009-04-22 10:45
Awesome, my real name is daniel and all i really knew about was the lions den shit.
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!MILKRIBS4k2009-04-22 14:59
>>22
You think i'm going to post my phone number, ONLINE? >>25
I already own a dog!
3 The son of Annas the scholar, standing there with Jesus, took a willow branch and drained the water Jesus had collected. (2)Jesus, however, saw what had happened and became angry, saying to him, "Damn you, you irreverent fool! What harm did the ponds of water do to you? From this moment you, too, will dry up like a tree, and you'll never produce leaves or root or bear fruit."
(3) In an instant the boy had completely withered away.
4 Later he was going through the village again when a boy ran and bumped him on the shoulder. Jesus got angry and said to him, "You won't continue your journey." (2)And all of a sudden, he fell down and died.
(10)Jesus said to them in reply, "Are you really so amazed? Rather, consider what I've said to you. The truth is that I also know when you were born, and your parents, and I announce this paradox to you: when the world was created, I existed along with the one who sent me to you."
(11)The Jews, once they heard that the child was speaking like this, became angry but were unable to say anything in reply. (12)But the child skipped forward and said to them, "I've made fun of you because I know that your tiny minds marvel at trifles."
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Anonymous2009-04-24 5:00
if he was really jeses, he'd have come back by now. and then we can storm his shitty compound 2.0
>>31
Well, I suppose he was only human, as well as being a god. If I had those powers I know I'd just have to cap a few fools every now and then
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Anonymous2009-04-24 12:51
>>35
WHEN I GETS MAH SAWED-OFF
NIGGAS GET HAULED OFF
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Anonymous2009-04-24 14:09
According to the Sethian Gnostic text, the "Apocalypse of Adam":
Adam in his 700th year tells Seth how he learned a word of knowledge of the eternal God from Eve and that he and Eve were indeed more powerful than their supposed creator. But that knowledge was lost in the fall when the subcreator - the demiurge - separated Adam and Eve. Adam relates how three mysterious strangers brought about Seth's begetting and so a preservation of this knowledge. Adam then prophecies at length attempts of the subcreator god to destroy mankind, including the prophecy of the great Deluge and of attempted destruction by fire but an Illuminator will come in the end. When the Illuminator comes, thirteen kingdoms proclaim thirteen different standard but conflicting birth legends about the Illuminator, but only the "generation without a king" proclaims the truth.
>>46
And ignorance is the opposite of knowledge, which in Greek is gnosis. Milkribs wants us to remain ignorant, that is why his posts are always so stupid.
>>48
NOT EVEN THE UGLIEST, FATTEST, MOST IDIOTIC SLUTTIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD WOULD EVER EVEN LOOK AT YOUR PATHETIC UGLY FAT FACE YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT, YOU'RE WORTHLESS YOU'RE FUCKING WORTHLESS I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH OH MY GOD FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU GOD DAMN IT YOU PISS ME OFF BECAUSE YOU JUST KEEP SITTING AROUND POSTING ALL THIS IDIOTIC SHIT AND YOU NEED TO BE TOLD AGAIN AND AGAIN HOW FUCKING RETARDED YOU ARE.
That one where the midget climbs up the tree because he can't see Jesus, and then Jesus is like, "Get the fuck down from there!"
Even God knows that midgets make any story better
>>57
I don't use that word because it sounds like cock asain!
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Anonymous2009-06-28 14:24
>>59
African American sounds like "dick swallower" to me, you fucking, clueless anus.
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Anonymous2009-06-28 14:27
The one where that thief thinks he'll get away, but Jesus uses his X-ray vision to see the stolen vase, and then asks him why he did it, and thief says that he is poor. So Jesus understands and says "fine, that will be only one arm then" and severs his arm with a zweihaender blesses by his dad, then says that he will get a robo-arm in Heaven if he behaves. Yeah, that one.
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Anonymous2009-06-28 14:50
That one where Jesus has to clean up all the cow shit, so he fucking redirects two rivers to wash it all out. Then when the stable owner won't pay him, he kills him. ( ≖‿≖)
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Anonymous2009-06-28 15:05
The one where Jesus chases Jewish bankers out of a church
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Anonymous2009-06-28 16:21
the incest one, the one that the lolis get his father drun and proceed to raped him taking times and make him cum inside the daughters wet cunts
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Anonymous2009-06-28 16:22
impregnating the two bitches in the proccess
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Anonymous2009-06-28 18:12
>>64
Which? That still doesn't narrow it down much.
>>67
Smuth... slang, not in any real dictionaries, and improperly conjugated. Still, at least it's not one of your pathetic and inept attempts at cacography.
About Lilith, the first wife of Adam. Adam wanted to have sex, but she was like, no, I don't like anal, so Adam goes, fuck you bitch, I want anal and I will get myself a blow-up doll made from my rib that I will fuck in the anus, and so Lilith was cast to Hell and was buttfucked by demons for eternity.
>>75
I'd like you to get fucked in the eye. Because, you know what? I don't have to prove anything, to anyone. I know that it is true and I find it amusing, and that's great. But I don't give a flying Philadelphia fuck whether you believe it or not. If it was someone else, I might consider convincing him, because he might just be a person worth convincing. But you? You are a fucking clueless kid that I don't give a rat's ass about. I despise the person you are right now, and you cannot be fixed until you change your attitude. You might want to start with using the fucking question mark.
Oh and Wikipedia, yeah, right, a credible source. Were it anyone else, I would edit the Wikipedia article right now and paste the bloody sentence that is the body of >>73. But you? You are not even worth it. Look up on Google something like "adam anal sex", I am sure your Mum will be proud when she sees your search history.
You are an anus, MILKRIBS, a smelly, able to do only one thing right, and needed just for that one thing, anus of society.
>>77
Wow, someone has a sole filled with hate! I am hardly a threat to you! Why do you have to be so afraid of me! You want me to google "adam anal sex", I think I know why! Because you want to show me pictures of you (adam) GETTING FUCK IN THE ASS!
>>78
Oh, I got told. A thread? Who said anything about a threat? (I will leave the rest of the post blank, because you will ignore that would be there anyway, and what you will call me will be unrelated to this anyway).
>>80
You were threating me over the internet! You were trying to be an internet though guy! You were trying to talk down to me! You were trying to make me look stupid!
>>81 You were threating me over the internet!
Citation needed. You were trying to be an internet though guy!
I'm just smarter than you. You were trying to talk down to me!
Because you deserve nothing better. You were trying to make me look stupid!
Don't have to try.
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Anonymous2009-07-04 15:06
You hear about the one where adma tempts eve with his evil snake?