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My favorite Bible story

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-18 15:03

23 Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!”
24 So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Name: !MILKRIBS4k 2009-04-18 15:36

That's not in MY bible!

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-18 15:45

>>2
Your posts are always so insightful.

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-19 4:22

Charlie Brown was modeled after Jesus.  Snoopy was Judas

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-19 5:49

>>2
Fuckin brian

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-20 0:53

China and India are the examples of what Europe would be like today had the gospel not spread... 

Praise the lord and a culture of not having billions of dirty slum kids.

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-20 1:01

you've obviously never seen the council estates in england

Name: Cactaur 2009-04-20 16:15

That's not in my Cactus bible.

Name: !MILKRIBS4k 2009-04-20 16:15

>>8
KILL IT WITH FIRE

Name: Cactaur 2009-04-20 16:20

>>9
Initiating 1k needles attack...

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-20 17:20

>>9
DROWN IT WITH MILK

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-21 14:52

My favourite bible story is one I remember from school, from Marks Gospel.
Jesus was walking to some town or other and was hungry. He saw a fig tree so said to the disciples "Get me some figs from that fig tree."
The disciples answered that figs were not in season so what he asked was impossible, so Jesus gets butthurt and shouts
"I CURSE THIS FIG TREE TO NEVER BEAR FIGS AGAIN!"
Later on, they were leaving the town and saw that the tree had died. Moral of the story? If Jesus wants some figs you better get him some fucking figs or else he'll lay the sheeny curse on you.
Of course if I was being objective then jesus could have poisoned the tree so that when they left town a few days later he could have gone "SEE, AWESOMA POWAH!" but of course he didn't exist.
I just loved the randomness and the FUCK YOU quality to how jesus acted in that story. Maybe if he'd have had more days like that he wouldn't have got crucified like a muppet

Name: !MILKRIBS4k 2009-04-21 14:58

>>12
That's not in MY bible!

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-21 14:59

I like the one where Jesus battles Judas outside the gates of Grayskull and slices a guy in half!  Fuckin rad

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-21 15:08

>>13
it's in marks gospel redcream. look it up. I actually read all of the new testament for lulz, there's some mad shit in there.
I bet you've never read a book all the way through have you. Good god, this generation

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-21 15:14

The Gospel According to MILKRIBS4k

I am not a homosexual!  I am the SON OF GOD!!!  You guys are JEWS! wwwwwwwwwwww

Name: !MILKRIBS4k 2009-04-21 15:15

>>15
Please show me a wiki article on it or something, i'm not reading the whole bible to just fine one little story! I have also read plenty of books all the way through so please BACK DOWN

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-21 15:18

>>17
just fucking google it you lazy tard, i'm  not your search monkey

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-21 15:19

>>17
I can tell you where it is: Up your butt and around the corner

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-21 15:21

>>17
Learn to Google you fucktard!

Name: !MILKRIBS4k 2009-04-21 15:30

>>18
>>19
>>20
Yous don't have to harass me, ONLINE!

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-21 15:34

>>21
OK then, what's your phone number?

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-21 15:34

It's illegal to harass people on online, you guys

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-21 15:34

>>22
fuckin lolled

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-21 15:39

milkribs, buy a dog

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-22 10:04

For all you Catholics out there, the second half of Bel and the Dragon from Daniel 14:

23 And in that same place there was a great dragon, which they of Babylon worshipped.
24 And the king said unto Daniel, Wilt thou also say that this is of brass? lo, he liveth, he eateth and drinketh; thou canst not say that he is no living god: therefore worship him.
25 Then said Daniel unto the king, I will worship the Lord my God: for he is the living God.
26 But give me leave, O king, and I shall slay this dragon without sword or staff. The king said, I give thee leave.
27 Then Daniel took pitch, and fat, and hair, and did seethe them together, and made lumps thereof: this he put in the dragon's mouth, and so the dragon burst in sunder : and Daniel said, Lo, these are the gods ye worship.


That's right, Daniel blew up a fucking dragon!

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-22 10:45

Awesome, my real name is daniel and all i really knew about was the lions den shit.

Name: !MILKRIBS4k 2009-04-22 14:59

>>22
You think i'm going to post my phone number, ONLINE?
>>25
I already own a dog!

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-22 15:08

>>28
Shut your bloody gob!

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-22 23:05

>>28
what colour is your dog, please

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-23 22:38

You should see the crazy shit that's in the apocrypha
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Testament_apocrypha

Here's the Infancy Gospel of Thomas: http://www.cygnus-study.com/pageinf.html

I especially like these passages:

3 The son of Annas the scholar, standing there with Jesus, took a willow branch and drained the water Jesus had collected. (2)Jesus, however, saw what had happened and became angry, saying to him, "Damn you, you irreverent fool! What harm did the ponds of water do to you? From this moment you, too, will dry up like a tree, and you'll never produce leaves or root or bear fruit."
(3) In an instant the boy had completely withered away.

4 Later he was going through the village again when a boy ran and bumped him on the shoulder. Jesus got angry and said to him, "You won't continue your journey." (2)And all of a sudden, he fell down and died.

(10)Jesus said to them in reply, "Are you really so amazed? Rather, consider what I've said to you. The truth is that I also know when you were born, and your parents, and I announce this paradox to you: when the world was created, I existed along with the one who sent me to you."
(11)The Jews, once they heard that the child was speaking like this, became angry but were unable to say anything in reply. (12)But the child skipped forward and said to them, "I've made fun of you because I know that your tiny minds marvel at trifles."

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-24 5:00

if he was really jeses, he'd have come back by now. and then we can storm his shitty compound 2.0

Name: !MILKRIBS4k 2009-04-24 6:03

>>30
Brownish I suppose...

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-24 6:08

>>33
facepalm.txt

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-24 6:35

>>31
Well, I suppose he was only human, as well as being a god. If I had those powers I know I'd just have to cap a few fools every now and then

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-24 12:51

>>35
WHEN I GETS MAH SAWED-OFF
NIGGAS GET HAULED OFF

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-24 14:09

According to the Sethian Gnostic text, the "Apocalypse of Adam":

Adam in his 700th year tells Seth how he learned a word of knowledge of the eternal God from Eve and that he and Eve were indeed more powerful than their supposed creator. But that knowledge was lost in the fall when the subcreator - the demiurge - separated Adam and Eve. Adam relates how three mysterious strangers brought about Seth's begetting and so a preservation of this knowledge. Adam then prophecies at length attempts of the subcreator god to destroy mankind, including the prophecy of the great Deluge and of attempted destruction by fire but an Illuminator will come in the end. When the Illuminator comes, thirteen kingdoms proclaim thirteen different standard but conflicting birth legends about the Illuminator, but only the "generation without a king" proclaims the truth.

awesome

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-24 15:37

>>37
Interesting stuff

Name: !MILKRIBS4k 2009-04-24 15:54

>>37
People don't live to be 700! Thus story is FAKE

Name: Anonymous 2009-04-24 15:58

>>39
fucking brian

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