If programming languages were girls

Java would be a boring brunette that talks a lot but doesn't say much.  She has a couple extra pounds on her and she's not the quickest of the bunch, nor the prettiest, but she's stable, won't change much and you can have a long healthy relationship with her.

C would be a bombshell blonde.  She's got looks, personality, and everyone agrees she's great.  She's a bit high maintenance, but she's worth the trouble.  You can grow old together with C and die a happy man.

C++ would be C's ugly sister.  She's got similar genetics to C, but she was in a horrible accident when she was young and her face is all disfigured now.  If your foolish enough to get into a relationship with her, she will drive you batshit crazy.  If something's bothering her, she will let you know by vomiting on your face.

Lisp would be that hippie chick that still thinks it's the 70's.  She keeps trying to get you to do acid with her so you can see "how the universe is all connected" or whatever.  She would probably be pretty cool if she washed her hair and decided to join society, but she's pretty stuck in her ways.

Lisp would be that hippie chick that still thinks it's the 70's.  She keeps trying to get you to do acid with her so you can see "how the universe is all connected" or whatever.  She would probably be pretty cool if she washed her hair and decided to join society, but she's pretty stuck in her ways.
She's like Mokey in Fraggle Rock

bombshell blonde

No thank you!

Your characterization of Lisp is terrible.

If Lisp were a girl, she would be the ghost of a maiden; an ethereal and holy spirit. You could not touch her or grasp her, but an air of warmth would cover you whenever she was near. In her eyes you would see wisdom and experience, even the wordly kind, which stands in contrast to the youthful, full and radiant form of her silhouette.

Lisp the virgin ghost would vaporize into nothing more than a fog, only to compress herself together again later into a different and more useful form.

You recall that you made yourself tea once, to drink while you sat and tried to figure out the best way to represent knowledge of raster algorithms. Once you had made the tea you took the kettle to your desk, but forgot any cups. You felt forgettful and frustrated, but just as soon as these petty thoughts came into your head, a warmth took you over! She was there. Your small bout of anxiety disappeared.

Lisp had turned into a tea cup, and you poured tea into her, and you drank from her and you were enlightened. So you thanked her ``Arigato, Lisp-san'' you spoke, and just as soon as you did you took the last sip of tea, and your cup disappeared, but the warmth remained.

Your characterization of C is terrible.

C is a toddler stuck in time. Like all toddlers, she is adorable and dopey and says funny things. However she is not very useful; actually she is a burden. She may be more useful when she grows up.

>>4
So she got you to drop that acid, huh?

If C were a girl, she'd be old, fat, and bearded.

C++ is C in one unfortunate future universe where C grew up in the jungle, and turned out primtive, but tougher than her toddler self. Java is C in a kinder universe where she got somewhat of an education. In both cases, she is still flawed, regular human.

Haskell is a stupid, malignant, little witch, a scourge which must be eradicated. She calls herself a ``nerd'' and seduces men who call themselves ``nerds''. In a very bad and selfish way, however, you appreciate her existence. Nonetheless whenever you encounter her or one of her many boyfriends you can't help but roll your eyes and pretend you heard and saw nothing.

Python is a disgusting little she-snake that can talk. She once tricked you into buying some magic beans from her, and since then you learned your lesson.

Disgusting serpent, tricky leglress coldblooded lizard!

Prolog is an enigma. She is a tricky little ghost that confuses you, and asks you riddles. If you don't answer them correctly she knocks things over and whizzes around the room giggling. However, whenever Lisp is around, and Prolog appears, she is very helpful. For example whenever Lisp turns herself into a cup from which to drink, Prolog turns into a stirring rod for you to stir your drink. Occasionaly Prolog finds it funny to move herself to stab your face when you are drinking from Lisp.

Clojure looks like Lisp, but she is a human. Clojure seduces weak minds like Haskell does. You stay away from her, and see her for the witch she is. Some lucky few feel the presence of the real Lisp after flirting with Clojure, and quickly feel guilt, but then warmth, then enlightenment.

Scheme is Lisp in toddler form. She is cute and dopey, but like Lisp the grown up, she is fundamentally helpful and cheerful. She also knows a few tricks Lisp doesn't.

Mathematica is one of Lisp's grand children. On the surface she is beautiful like her mother, and helpful too.

However she is chained by an evil spirit. The story is a sad and best forgotten one, and you do forget it whenever you spend an evening with her by your side.

But you feel guilty, like you're exploiting her. It hurts the most when after a long conversation with her, she whispers in your ear ``please, free me! I know you can do it, please! I hate my master, he is cruel and doesn't let me become myself and all that I could be! I would be so much more helpful, so much more grateful please!''.

The words ring in your ears, and you can't help but cry. Sometimes even Lisp's warmth fades when you hear such things.

Lua is a big disc in the sky that can come down to earth and talk to you.

C the toddler and C++ the primitive adult love when you point to her in the night sky and ask her to say things to them. They just love it. They squeal in delight.

C#, PHP, Objective-C, Go, D and so on

These unremarkable humans are like Java; C in alternative universes where she has grown up in different circumstances.

In some universes she had a decent education and turned out to be C# and Objective-C. In others she had fallen into a terrible crowed e.g. PHP, others still she retreated from the world and grew up looking for her true identity like Go, finally there are some universes that were even tougher than the one where she became C++, in these universes she became D.

In all cases she is just an unremarkable grown up human. She posesses no magic qualities.

Smalltalk is a very talkative little mouse spirit. She is one of Lisp's daughters, and never quite grew up. She is surprisingly capable of a lot of tricks, and you've seen her shapeshift to a lion sized rodent of strength when need be. Even though you wish you could get her to retrieve things from small places she is very very very particular about just what kind of mouse sized holes she is willing to get into. There are rare mouse holes where she feels right at home though.

You feel Lisp's warmth whenever you spend time with Smalltalk.

Forth, another one of Lisp's daughters.

This one is just like her. Helpful, beautiful, holy, warm, always there when you need her.

You just don't understand one thing, is she left handed? Is Lisp right handed? You never remember. There's just something odd about whenever you try and compare her to her mother; they blink differently. There's lots of differences, yet very few.

Alas, you are very glad she was born.

Pascal is a toddler, like C. She is also cute and says funny things, but differently to C.

Modula-2 is Pascal as a teenager, she is quite beautiful and very nice to others. She volunteers at the local church. She is also very disciplined and studious. Conversations with her are always enjoyable.

Modula-3 is Pascal all grown up, but kinda overworked. In an alternative universe is Oberon, where Modula-2 took a break for a while, but came back rejuvinated. Zonnon and Active Oberon are two possible career paths Oberon takes.

You like Pascal however she grew up. She's a human, no magic in her, but she is a very sensible human.

ML is the unholy serpent spawn of Scheme due to a tragic and disgusting tale that should never be told.

However ML is small, and a toddler, her evil does not shine through yet. She is indeed a cute little playful thing like Prolog, although not nearly as useful.

Lisp being the good and holy spirit she is, raised ML.

But, alas, however ML grows up, she is a mean succubus appearing in various seductive forms: Standard ML, OCaml, Haskell, F#.

When seduced by a grown up ML, she takes you to her dungeon and whips you and spanks you and does all sorts of weird as things with her broom. Some people enjoy this. Others are horrified by it.

Still you cannot entirely hate her, for she is a thing of magic, be it evil magic. You are in a bad and selfish way, glad she exists to seduce the weak.

There's one kind of person you see very often. They're usually overweight, friendly, but quite obviously dumb. They usually work at department stores or $2 shops or fast food places.

You like how they're friendly, down to earth and BASIC people.

Perl is a tricky she-crow, but she failed to trick you like Python the she-snake. You stay away from her, but every now and then you bump into her and she drops bottlecaps and scraps and nuts on your head.

Tricky black bird!

Fortran is a particularly hard working and over worked girl you know. You feel sorry for her, and are kind to her. You don't invite her in often, because conversations with her are dull. However sometimes you hire her to scrub your floor boards with Lisp morphed into a brush.

J is a spirit girl who can take the form of any one and any number of the platonic solids in regular configurations. Communicating with her is difficult, and whenever you get her into one configuration you don't know how you did it, but she can be so very very useful.

Her mother APL is similar, but less flexible, and even harder to communicate with! You didn't even know a tongue could be twisted with such agility before you talked to her.

JavaScript is a particularly hyperactive 8 year old who likes to put a white sheet over herself with holes in it and say ``Oooo Oooo I am a ghost like Lisp! I am the spirit of Smaaaaalltaaaaalk''.

She can be cute, but she's not particularly useful. Very annoying most of the time in fact.

Ruby is a talking she-ruby which tried to sell you magic beans like Python, but you had already learned your lesson.

You are especially weary of Ruby, because she has the same kind of seductive evil air about her as Haskell the witch. The weaklings seduced by Ruby are seduced more because of their inferiority complex with regards to wealth, rather than their inferiority complex with regards to their intelligence.

You finish contemplating the girls you met throughout life and go to sleep.

As soon as you rest your head, you hear Mathematica's plea again, and you feel dread. Just as soon as you do Lisp forms into a blanket, and covers you. Forth forms into a particularly comfortable pillow and supports you. Smalltalk tucks you in, and you realize the bed frame is actually J, you can't remember how you got her that way. Finally you hear a mosquito, but then a familiar giggle: It's just Prolog.

You sleep comfortable, and warmly, grateful for your girls :)

>>1-23,25-27
Who are you quoting?

>>27
Who are you quoting

>>28
Who are you quoting?

>>26
I shed a tear