It's been a long time since the last discussion of this topic.
If programming languages were women:
PHP is a disease-ridden whore. Years of drug abuse have turned her brains to jelly, and she can barely remember where her children are, when she remembers she has any. But she'll suck your cock for a vial of zyme.
Lisp is cute and funny and just about the coolest person you know. But she's got a few too many, uh, curves, so you always pass her by even though you know you'd be happier with her.
Haskell is a feminist lesbian. She's got her own ideas about how this stuff should work, and her fear of "side-effects" has made her uninterested in men.
C++ isn't pretty, but she'll do anything you want in bed... no matter who you are. That's not to imply she's well-rounded or pleasant to be with: in the end, she's just a masturbation aid.
Haskell is a feminist lesbian. She's got her own ideas about how this stuff should work, and her fear of "side-effects" has made her uninterested in men.
APL is exotic and foreign. She's a woman of few words, not that it makes a difference since you can't understand them anyway. Word is she'll blow your mind if you can get to know her.
Python is domineering and fastidious, but she's pretty easy to live with if you do things her way. She's not the swiftest one around, but she can keep a household running and make it look easy.
C is high-maintenance as they come, but if you can keep her happy it's fast times.
It's been a long time since the last discussion of this topic.
Like, a week?
Also, who cares. Bitches are interchangeable, it's just a matter of how hot they are. If you're man enough you can dominate just about anything with a vagina. Enjoy your sage, now that your shitty thread is plummeting to the depths of /prog/.
Name:
Anonymous2009-08-16 2:02
>>2
Bitches are not interchangeable. Now, maybe to a faggot like Anal Touring they're all equivalent, but to those of us who actually have to deal with them, their precise traits are very important. Pull your head out of your tarpit and look around you.
>>3
Modern pop culture feminism has given them the idea that every woman is a unique individual, but deep down all women really just need to be owned and fucked by somebody. The only caveats stem from the fact that most of them don't know they want that, meaning you have to trick them into it. Penetrating that outer layer of individuality... Yeah, that takes a different effort for every girl. But beyond that first layer, women are almost universally predictable.
>>5
I like Konata because she is a otaku like me, except she has friends. Oh god I wish I had friends too ;_;
Konata also likes videogames and she is kawaii. And there are lesbians in the show and that's good because I like lesbians and I will never have a girlfriend. Why am I such a loser?!
Konata is like my dreamgirl she has a :3 face I love that. She is also nice why aren't real girls nice!? I got dumped a lot of times but I love konata and she wouldn't dump me because she's so nice and cool.
We would play videogames all day and watch Naruto and other cool animes on TV, and I would have sex with her because sex is so good. I wish I could have sex with a girl.
You never really went steady, but you'd run into her from time to
time while knocking around in disreputable joints, usually late at
night, every several months or so. She looked so hot, so sleek, so
sexy, so expressive, so exotic. You'd end up back at her place and
the night would just... take off. A complete blur of hot, sweaty,
feverish, delirious, fumbling passion. You'd do things to each
other... you'd do things to her, she'd do things to you... things
that you're not even sure have names, that you're pretty sure are
illegal almost anywhere. Even her kinks have kinks --- and after one
of these nights, you'd realize that you yourself had a lot more kinks
than you. And it wasn't just physical, it was --- cerebral.
Ethereal. Transcendent. But it would all whiz by in a blur, and by
morning you'd find yourself lightheaded, a bit confused, and
stumbling homeward to your regular gal.
Over the next few days and weeks you'd find yourself occasionally
drifting away, thinking about her. Haskell. You'd be there, banging
away at your regular girl, and find yourself thinking "you know, if I
was with Haskell, I'd be doing this completely differently." You'd
think "I could be doing so much bigger and better stuff with
Haskell." Now, your regular girl, she's not as exotic as Haskell.
Pretty, maybe, if you're lucky. (Perhaps your regular girlfriend's
name is Python. ;-) But not nearly as --- weird. Wild. Cool.
Exciting. Don't get me wrong --- your girl, she's wonderful. You've
got a wonderful relationship. She's --- comfortable. You can bang
away at her all day and night. She's accommodating. Easy going.
You work well together. But --- confidentially --- she's, well,
maybe just a little bit boring. You'd catch yourself thinking these
things, and the guilty pangs would get to you... You'd quash the
thoughts, buckle down, and get back to banging away. Comfortable...
there's a lot to be said for that, ya know? Comfortable... just
keep telling yourself that.
Months would go by. Late some night you'd find yourself out,
disreputable places again. Maybe that hacker bar, LtU. Somebody'd
slip you an URL for some renegade paper, you know, one of *those*
papers. You'd run into Haskell again. And the whole thing starts over.
Eventually, you're going to get the ultimatum. Haskell's ultimately
just like any other girl on some level; she needs commitment.
Eventually, after one night of wild, feverish, kinky, abstract
passion, she's going to say to you: "All these times, and you don't
understand me at all! You know, you're going to have to get serious,
mister! I've got needs, too. You're going to have to get serious
about my monads, or that's the last time you're going to play with
them! Got it?"
...and then, you've got to make The Choice.
Chances are, you're going to go back to your regular gal. Haskell's
just too much for any one man, probably. She leaves a trail of
broken, brainy, embittered PhDs and former programmers behind her.
She ruins you for the RealWorld. You can ride a while, but you
probably can't go the distance with her. Go back to your regular gal
and try not to think too much about what you've seen. Done. Felt.
Thought.
Maybe you can salvage a little happiness; but it'll be hard. After
all... you've tasted Haskell.
She's not like anything else.
Name:
Anonymous2009-08-16 16:12
>>12
I don't want to waste time reading it. Does it involve dead dogs?
>>22
As a woman, it would be as ignored as it is as a programming language. Thus I omitted it.
Name:
Anonymous2009-08-17 7:00
Java is a faggot.
Name:
Anonymous2009-08-17 10:24
Ruby would a cute little Japanese girl (duh), very smart, efficient and well connected but takes her own sweet time about getting things done.
Name:
Anonymous2009-08-17 10:59
>>25
But everybody associates her with her abusive boyfriend Rails, who is a total asshole and keyed my fucking car last night. So she doesn't have any friends.
Name:
Anonymous2009-08-17 12:49
>>24
Java is the hippo woman from Rocko's Modern Life dressed up in an ENTERPRISE QUALITY business suit.