Those buddhist bastards!

I've been listening to the Dalai Lama all day, and while he's clearly making an effort to be understood despite his accent and lack of vocabulary, he keeps talking about thinks I don't get!
These buddhist guys seem to love lists, but lists are fine because that's just simple criteria. It's the outlandish freaky stuff that I don't get, that annoy me. They keep talking about this "enlightenment" thing, which seems really cool to reach, because it is supposed to make me all holy and shit, and hopefully being holy will land me some massive respect and a few groupie chicks, but the bastards don't give me any clear directions on how to get there! Besides the "be nice to everyone" things, there's all these states of mind that I have to get through, and I don't even get what they mean! How am I supposed to know if I passed them or not, if I don't even understand what the fuck they're talking about?! "Impermanence", fine, but what's this shit about closing your eyes and still seeing a fly on someones forehead? What's a "non-elephant in the room", and what's that supposed to mean?

I think there's a severe lack of enlightenment tests on the internet. I mean there's one at HelloQuizzy, and according to that I'm the fucking man, but that test is hardly written by anyone who knows shit about enlightenment! You guys need to write a serious tibetan enlightenment test, so that I can measure the size of my enlightenment-peen.

(I'm writing this on 4chan, because this place is bound to be crawling with tibetan buddhists.)

Dicks on the internet don't qualify as buddhists because of their severe lack of patience as well as overt fondness of throwing tantrums on their keyboard.

So yuh, no buddhists here, pal.

>>2
The Dharma teaches of freedom, Liberation, Enlightenment, eternal life and eternal compassion, such things that SFBE hates.

OP here. I found another test on HelloQuizzy:
http://www.helloquizzy.com/results/the-four-stages-of-enlightenment-test/
This test lies: It only has results for *three* stages of enlightenment, because it leaves out Buddha - the very definition I seek! There needs to be an "Are you a Buddha?" test on the internet! "You may not call yourself a buddha." is bullshit title-hogging!

OP here again.
I finally figured out what a buddha is: It's simply a guy who has no clue.

There's this guy right now, who's famous for just sitting under a tree and not giving a shit, and in India, as soon as you go and sit under a tree, people will come running and start molesting you, thinking they'll get superpowers from your divinity. ...so anyway, this guy has nothing better to do than to sit and meditate, and while the crazy indians claim that he doesn't eat or pee or sleep, they're just covering it up. (I've personally seen videos of him going taking breaks to go behind sheets to do his bodily needs. It's just an act. However, his followers will attack you and steal your camera if you film this. Also any critism on the internet (including entire sites) is censored. Indians are heavy into scams, in case the cold calling wasn't enough of a clue.)
However, it's generally agreed on, that he's not a buddha. All the *actual* buddha did, was to sit under a tree, but this "buddha boy" can't even be like him even after sitting under a tree for over six years "straight".
Shit is whack.

Also, there's anywhere between a handful, to a thousand buddhas, depending on who you ask, because people can't agree on who's what.
...but basically, you just have to be clueless and careless, and wham, you get all the chicks and their daughters to bang all day, and record deals, and private jets, and people will want you to pee on them, and you'll have bling out the ass, ma nigga.

...so yeah.
I'll come right out and say it: I'm the first black buddha.
I'm the blackha. I'm the buddha of big dicks. Ride it for enlightenment. Chicks only, so don't get no funny ideas, okay?

>>1
>>3
>>5
I can't respect traditional Buddhists, the culture and history, the genuine folks in Tibet and Laos who have been raised that way, there is more to it than just superstition.

But modern westernized buddhism is a joke, its just sad. There is no deep philosophy behind it, if you want philosophy go read Descartes.

Unless you were tragically orphaned as a baby and adopted by a devout Buddhist couple you cannot be a white buddhist.

>>1
>>3
>>5
I can respect traditional Buddhists*
fix'd

oops

>>6
>>7

>>there is more to it than just superstition
See, that's how buddhism gets you. That's how every religion gets you in the beginning: "See how sane we are! I know you're critical of us, so just see how much sense we make at first!"

Then before you know it, you'll be sitting there visualizing colors and "buddha medicine" in your "chakras", thinking that people have lived past lives, that life needs escaping from instead of embracing, and trying to achieve states of mind that some elected teacher won't explain to you.

Buddhists will tell you all this nonsense: "Do this! Behave like that! Think like this! Act like that!" ...and that compounds all this stress in you, and self-contempt for yourself, that the secret to Nirvana is just saying "Fuck this shit! It's all good!". They're not the cure. They're the poison. They are creating the very state that they say that they are liberating you from.

Yes, you can (veeery slooowly) learn a few things about your opinions being relative, and cause and effect, but what you're actually doing when you denounce your own opinions as illusions, is denying yourself. Buddhists are damaging the weave of "karma", because they hate karma. They hate life. Buddhists hate life to much that they have turned destroying it into a science. If they "liberate" you, then this will not only kill you, but also damage everyone affected by you. To be blunt: If someone hits you, and you just smile at them in return, they will gain incentive to start hitting people to make them smile.

Buddhism is created out of a mental sickness in India, to think that you can find holy men sitting under trees. The guy was just sitting under a tree, for crying out loud! People who invented banging two rocks together, have achieved more!

Furthermore, this is what happens when you are too vague and obscure about things: You get all these different interpretations, resulting in all these different schools, that all use different meanings for the same terminology. ...and your Buddha mutates into a lion with hands below his kneecaps, and a saliva that you can cook food with, I'm not even kidding. Look at your Buddha! He can't even walk properly!

>>8
>>there is more to it than just superstition
>See, that's how buddhism gets you. That's how every religion gets you in the beginning: "See how sane we are! I know you're critical of us, so just see how much sense we make at first!"

There is more to every religion than just superstition. Generally religion comes along with a set of values which are greatly conducive to living healthily in a functioning (albeit religiously homogenous) society.

That doesn't make the superstition any less ridiculous, nor does it make religion any less hijackable as a vehicle of asbsolute insanity (e.g. radical Islam in the past 60 years).

>>10
...and it's weird that you don't see this in other inventions:

"Oh man, I just invented the wheel. Now I just have to tell people that it has to have exactly six spokes to work, and that it can only be used to transport turnips, and people will believe that for lifetimes. What's this? You invented the wheel too? No way! You claim that it needs to have eight spokes and is to be used to transport rabid bears! That's blasphemy! We must do battle in the name of the wheel!"

Yes, we have all sorts of branding on phones and cars, but you'd think that the branding on "Not Beating Eachother Over The Head" has expired its copyright by now.
...but apparently not. Apparently it's still being sold by "The Nirvana-travelling Sitting Tiger Buddha" and "The Crucified Son of God" and so on.

>>11

It's very obvious why a wheel is good. It makes many jobs much easier. There is practically no situation in which a society or an individual would benefit from rejecting the wheel.

The rules and morals of society aren't quite so universally beneficial. Sometimes you get really angry and want to kill people. Sometimes the world seems really unfair and you lose trust in the value of following those morals. The mysticism of religion helps it keep its value in those situations, and hence helps to keep society as a whole adhering to them.

>>12
If anything rules and morals has *kept* people beating eachother over the head. Now it's just monopolized by state control. There's nothing *morally* wrong with beating up your son and fucking him in the ass. It's just pretty impratical if you want a civilized son after that point. At the heart of both christianity and buddhism, you have the selfish need to reach paradise. You're not even being kind to other people because of genuine kindness, but because you think "you'll get laid in heaven".

The morals and the rules, isn't the sane part. Buddhism (at least japanese zen buddhism) you have the relativism of basically all adjectives and morals, and the understanding that it's pointless to want things you can't have or don't even need. That's just sanity. ...but then slowly insane things like meditation and reincarnation and wanting to break out of "the evil samsara" starts to seep in, but at that point you've already had your critical phase as a believer, so you trust buddhism enough at that point, to trust anything.

...and buddhism has lots of fucked up beliefs, especially if you look at the mahayana side of it where buddhas just glow like fucking 20 foot lightbulbs, but they all share the sane parts. That's where it all comes from. I have no problems believing in there having existed an actual guy named Siddharta Gautama, who claimed he was a buddha, and him being both sane and enlightened in the relativity and futility of it all, but the mistake he made, is that he started talking to *indian* people, and indian people are full of crap, so they just make stuff up as they went along. They played "indian whispers" for a long time before buddhas teachings were actually written down, and at that point shit was whack.

Everything fucking sucks, To prove it, I'm gonna wear all black complete with skull makeup, walk up to every diplomat stupid enough to stand around in the streets and punch them in the face, then PISS ALL OVER THEM!!!!!!

>>14
May m00t be with you, brave warrior, and may you feast upon their skulls.