Those buddhist bastards!

I've been listening to the Dalai Lama all day, and while he's clearly making an effort to be understood despite his accent and lack of vocabulary, he keeps talking about thinks I don't get!
These buddhist guys seem to love lists, but lists are fine because that's just simple criteria. It's the outlandish freaky stuff that I don't get, that annoy me. They keep talking about this "enlightenment" thing, which seems really cool to reach, because it is supposed to make me all holy and shit, and hopefully being holy will land me some massive respect and a few groupie chicks, but the bastards don't give me any clear directions on how to get there! Besides the "be nice to everyone" things, there's all these states of mind that I have to get through, and I don't even get what they mean! How am I supposed to know if I passed them or not, if I don't even understand what the fuck they're talking about?! "Impermanence", fine, but what's this shit about closing your eyes and still seeing a fly on someones forehead? What's a "non-elephant in the room", and what's that supposed to mean?

I think there's a severe lack of enlightenment tests on the internet. I mean there's one at HelloQuizzy, and according to that I'm the fucking man, but that test is hardly written by anyone who knows shit about enlightenment! You guys need to write a serious tibetan enlightenment test, so that I can measure the size of my enlightenment-peen.

(I'm writing this on 4chan, because this place is bound to be crawling with tibetan buddhists.)

>>10
...and it's weird that you don't see this in other inventions:

"Oh man, I just invented the wheel. Now I just have to tell people that it has to have exactly six spokes to work, and that it can only be used to transport turnips, and people will believe that for lifetimes. What's this? You invented the wheel too? No way! You claim that it needs to have eight spokes and is to be used to transport rabid bears! That's blasphemy! We must do battle in the name of the wheel!"

Yes, we have all sorts of branding on phones and cars, but you'd think that the branding on "Not Beating Eachother Over The Head" has expired its copyright by now.
...but apparently not. Apparently it's still being sold by "The Nirvana-travelling Sitting Tiger Buddha" and "The Crucified Son of God" and so on.