Those buddhist bastards!

I've been listening to the Dalai Lama all day, and while he's clearly making an effort to be understood despite his accent and lack of vocabulary, he keeps talking about thinks I don't get!
These buddhist guys seem to love lists, but lists are fine because that's just simple criteria. It's the outlandish freaky stuff that I don't get, that annoy me. They keep talking about this "enlightenment" thing, which seems really cool to reach, because it is supposed to make me all holy and shit, and hopefully being holy will land me some massive respect and a few groupie chicks, but the bastards don't give me any clear directions on how to get there! Besides the "be nice to everyone" things, there's all these states of mind that I have to get through, and I don't even get what they mean! How am I supposed to know if I passed them or not, if I don't even understand what the fuck they're talking about?! "Impermanence", fine, but what's this shit about closing your eyes and still seeing a fly on someones forehead? What's a "non-elephant in the room", and what's that supposed to mean?

I think there's a severe lack of enlightenment tests on the internet. I mean there's one at HelloQuizzy, and according to that I'm the fucking man, but that test is hardly written by anyone who knows shit about enlightenment! You guys need to write a serious tibetan enlightenment test, so that I can measure the size of my enlightenment-peen.

(I'm writing this on 4chan, because this place is bound to be crawling with tibetan buddhists.)

OP here again.
I finally figured out what a buddha is: It's simply a guy who has no clue.

There's this guy right now, who's famous for just sitting under a tree and not giving a shit, and in India, as soon as you go and sit under a tree, people will come running and start molesting you, thinking they'll get superpowers from your divinity. ...so anyway, this guy has nothing better to do than to sit and meditate, and while the crazy indians claim that he doesn't eat or pee or sleep, they're just covering it up. (I've personally seen videos of him going taking breaks to go behind sheets to do his bodily needs. It's just an act. However, his followers will attack you and steal your camera if you film this. Also any critism on the internet (including entire sites) is censored. Indians are heavy into scams, in case the cold calling wasn't enough of a clue.)
However, it's generally agreed on, that he's not a buddha. All the *actual* buddha did, was to sit under a tree, but this "buddha boy" can't even be like him even after sitting under a tree for over six years "straight".
Shit is whack.

Also, there's anywhere between a handful, to a thousand buddhas, depending on who you ask, because people can't agree on who's what.
...but basically, you just have to be clueless and careless, and wham, you get all the chicks and their daughters to bang all day, and record deals, and private jets, and people will want you to pee on them, and you'll have bling out the ass, ma nigga.

...so yeah.
I'll come right out and say it: I'm the first black buddha.
I'm the blackha. I'm the buddha of big dicks. Ride it for enlightenment. Chicks only, so don't get no funny ideas, okay?