Java golf

On the island of Java, professional golfers get paid by the stroke. Java golfers regularly hit the ball into sand traps so they can spend more time trying to get them out. When Java golfers hit the ball into a water hazard, they blame the ball and are paid extra to buy a new one. Java golfers deliberately putt around the hole to increase their score. Amateur Java golfers are looked down upon because they haven't figured out how to take as long on each hole as the professionals. A hole-in-one is the worst for Java golfers because it makes the hole look easy. The last thing Java golfers want is for anyone to think "Hey, I can do this too."

Golf is for faggots.

golf backwards is flog

The true goal of a Java golfer is to develop a style that handles any course, any hole, any selection of drivers, without any conscious choice by the golfer.  The classic and obvious approach to Java Golf is to attempt to hit the ball onto every possible point of the course, because at least one must the the hole.  However, after some reflection it becomes obvious that some courses may dynamically change, like the ones with the windmills where you have to hit the ball just right.  Developing a style of play which allows thoughtless handling of even these courses is the holy grail of Java golfing.  After all, you may end up playing golf with a brain addled child one day, and it isn't polite to use golfing techniques your colleagues don't understand.

Scheme golf
On the island of Lisp, professional golfers get paid by the stroke. Instead of golfing, the Scheme golfers play checkers instead. This gains them no money, but at least they don't have to do any physical work, and they get to play the most challenging game that their minds can understand. They can hear the fun that the Common Lisp golfers and the Clojure golfers are having as balls fly around at supersonic speeds and hit their targets with unhuman perversion, but they scoff at the fools who choose fun and functionality over the academic game of checkers.

Nice formatting, >>>5-san.

C golf
On Ritchie's private island resort, professional golfers get paid in a fiercely competitive ranking hierarchy. Instead of golfing, however, the experienced golfers have realized that the fastest way to rise to the top ranking is to kill the other golfers.  No groundsman has cut the grass or tended to the gardens in many years, but to an experienced golfer this is irrelevant.  The overgrown jungle-like greens are eerily quiet during the day, but at night, if you listen carefully, you might hear a far off scream as an unlucky golfer loses his place in the most dangerous game.

Perl golf
On the island of Perl, professional golfers get paid by the stroke. Perl golfers are all dying of starvation, please help.

Ruby golf
On the island of Ruby, professional golfers get paid by the stroke. So instead of playing golf they spend their time endlessly masturbating.

Python golf
On Guido Island, amateur golfers get taught bad habits by playing the game of golf. Python golfers have never hit the ball into the hole, despite the fact that the hole is twelve meters wide and at the bottom of a valley. Python golfers instead obsess themselves with a competition on who can hit the ball the farthest into the ocean and polishing their single club, a putter. If the Python golfers were to actually play golf, they would notice how limited their skills are, and the last thing a Python golfer wants to do is admit that he is not a true golfer.

Javascript golf
On ECMA Island, amateur golfers come to relax and play a round or two of minigolf.  Unfortunately, a few years back some young golfers misread their maps and arrived at ECMA island instead of Java island as they had intended.  Believing they are paid by the stroke, they agressively debate sandtrap strategy with themselves, with the children on summer vacation, and with the old man who runs the golf course and wishes they would buy more of his overpriced nachos.  Since none of them actually learned to play golf, their constructive efforts have largely gone into building robots that play golf for them.  Of course, these robots don't know how to play golf either, and so the community is now hard at work building robots that will teach these robots to play golf.

Symta golf
LOL, Exclamation points can't play golf!

ANDRU golf
On the island of scn.org, a man named Mentifex (or possibly Andru) claims to be golf, or have solved golf, or something like that.  Nobody pays him anything.

Symta golf
! try a (funcall down) :fail ! ! rec r e a ! ! ! try o (/op ops) e ! ! ! ! when token-is :} o ! ! ! ! ! as = /parse (getf o :value) ! ! ! ! ! when find-if #'delim? as :> setf as (list as) ! ! ! ! ! rf /binary (r `((,@o :p ,(curly-braces)) ,e ,@as)) ! ! ! ! try b (funcall down) (pe "no rop for" o) ! ! ! ! ! when and (token-is :|.| o) (token-is : int e) (token-is :int b) ! ! ! ! ! ! v = concatenate 'string (getf e :value) "." (getf b :value)

C# Golf
On the island of Redmond, nothing funny happens.

HTML golf
On W3C Island, professional golfers volunteer to discuss golf. They discuss the rules of golf, the regulation of past golf tournaments, and strategies used in playing golf. They discuss famous golfers, the manufacturing of balls, and the latest technology of drivers. They discuss minigolf, traditional golf, and even moon golf. Sometimes they curse golf, sometimes they even watch golf on television. The one thing they do not do, however, is play golf. There are no golf balls on the island. There are no golf clubs. There are no golf carts, cadets, or holes. The HTML golfers are all trapped on their island for all of eternity, tormented with dreams of their beloved game that remains forever out of their reach.

Reported.

/prog/ golf
Endless halls of autists all chanting memes in unison.
Mad hounds of the Haskell variety guard the only exits.
Copypastas written in ink,blood and ichor grace the walls.
The tables are filled with demonic 'Tablecats'.
There are screams of 'polecats' being being 'kebabed' and the stench of GNU/RMS edible fungus, that occupies all the GNU/corners which goblins make into jam. Expert Programmers angrily stare from holes in the ceiling, spirits of the computer pass through walls and scare everyone into "reading their SICP".
The only form of golf is stuffing golf balls in your anus.
Such is life in /prog/.