An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
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Anonymous2010-04-20 9:06
I wish I could spend every night on the computer, but my mom doesn't allow me to.
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Anonymous2010-04-20 9:10
Five English gentlemen and one American computer programmer are walking along the Thames, discussing terms of venery. (Terms of venery are names for groups of animals, such as "pod" of whales or "exaltation" of larks.) They see three English prostitutes, and wonder what the term of venery is for them.
The first English gentleman says, "A fanfare of strumpets."
The second says, "No, it's a trey of tarts."
The third says, "No, a volume of Trollope's." [Trollope was an essayist.]
The fourth says, "Nope, a pride of loins."
The fifth says, "No, I say it's an anthology of English prose."
And the programmer says, "It's a string of cache misses.
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Anonymous2010-04-20 9:11
An electrician, a mechanic and a software engineer are in a car.
The car breaks down.
The electrician says "Check the spark plugs"
The mechanic says "Check the engine."
"The software engineer says "Let's try all getting out of the car, and getting back in."
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Anonymous2010-04-20 9:12
Q: How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?
A: An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when he talks to you.
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Anonymous2010-04-20 9:18
>>4 An electrician, a mechanic and a software engineer are in a car.
The car breaks down. The electrician says "Check the spark plugs" The mechanic says "Check the engine." "The software engineer says "Let's try all getting out of the car, and getting into cdr." FTFY
>>9
It's something /r/circlejerkers jerk themselves over. This is it, /prog/ is officially over. Move along.
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Anonymous2010-04-20 9:51
Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.
The first woman said, "My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."
The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that!"
The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be, when I finally get it..."
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Anonymous2010-04-20 9:52
A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”
The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
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Anonymous2010-04-20 9:54
An accountant and engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were both accounting and engineering majors. Each of the engineering majors had his/her own train ticket. But the accountants had only ONE ticket for all of them. The engineers started laughing and snickering. The accountants ignored the laughter.
Then, one of the accountants said, "Here comes the conductor". All of the accountants piled into the bathroom. The engineers were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the engineers. He went to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said "Ticket please". An accountant stuck their only ticket under the door. The conductor took the ticket and left. A few minutes later, the accountants emerged from the bathroom. The engineers felt really stupid.
On the way back from the convention, the group of engineering majors had ONE ticket for their group. They started snickering at the accountants, who had NO tickets amongst them. When the accountant lookout shouted "Conductor coming!", all the accountants again piled into a bathroom. All of the engineers went into another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the accountants left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "Ticket please".
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Anonymous2010-04-20 9:56
Richard Stallman, Linus Torvalds, and Donald Knuth engage in a discussion on whose impact on computer science was the greatest.
Stallman: "God told me I have programmed the best editor in the world!"
Torvalds: "Well, God told me that I have programmed the best operating system in the world!"
Knuth: "Wait, wait, I never said either of those things."
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BEST ONE2010-04-20 10:00
A Geologist and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Geologist leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Geologist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Geologist now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"
This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Geologist asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"
The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Geologist.
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Geologist, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Geologist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Geologist is more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Geologist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
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Anonymous2010-04-20 10:42
>>3
I don't get it :( What's the analogy between a processor cache and a prostitute?
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Anonymous2010-04-20 10:49
Q: What is the difference between a programmer and a non-programmer ?
A: The non-programmer thinks a kilobyte is 1000 bytes while a programmer is convinced that a kilometer is 1024 meters
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Anonymous2010-04-20 10:51
Ancient Tech Support
The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:
This fire help. Me Groog
Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
Ugh
You hit them together?
Ugh
What happen?
Fire not work
(sigh) Make spark?
No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
*sigh* You change rock?
I change nothing
You sure?
Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.
>>16
I assume the joke has something to do with "cache" being homonym to "cash," and they're not getting paid right now. Possibly may suggest low IQ too?
Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH
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Dont get this one2010-04-20 10:57
A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician are staking out an empty house.
They see two people walk in.
Later, they see three people walk out.
The biologist says, "They must have multiplied!"
The engineer says, "I think it was measurement error."
The mathematician says, "Now, if exactly one person walks into the house, it will have zero people in it again."
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Anonymous2010-04-20 10:58
A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”
The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”
The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”
The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”
At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”
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Anonymous2010-04-20 10:59
I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Steve Jobs sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached him, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Jobs, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Steve Jobs.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "Get lost Jobs, I'm in a meeting."
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LISP2010-04-20 11:01
So a programming team developes true AI capable of thinking, reasoning, and feeling. They wrote all the code in Scheme They go to their project manager and tell him of their invention and invite him to come talk to it. He agrees and sits down at the terminal they point to. He types:
Hello
and it replies:
(Hello)
He types:
How are you?
It replies:
((I'm fine, thanks)(How are you?))
The PM gets up and tells the team he hates the program and that he's ending the project. The team starts pleading with him, asking how he could hate a true AI capable of feelings and reason. They tell him it can think, solve problems, and even work as a member of the team.
The PM replies, "Yes, but it talks with a Lisp."
Yes I know it's old, but I'm old.
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Last 1 have fun on internet~2010-04-20 11:01
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
hat less at less point at star
backbrace double base pound space bar
dash at cash and slash base rate
wow open tab at bar is great
semi backquote plus cash huh DEL
comma pound double tilde bar close BEL
There are four engineers travelling in a car -- a mechanical engineer,
a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip
down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the
mechanical engineer.
"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel
might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical
engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the computer scientist, who up to then had said
nothing, and asked "Well, what do you think?"
"I put on my wizard robe and hat. My other car is a cdr." The computer scientist pulls out a cudder from his pocket, and shoves it down the throats of the engineers. "Take that, motherfuckers!!!!"
A kike, a faggot and a software engineer are in a car.
The car breaks down.
The kike says "Let's sell it to stupid goyim"
The faggot says "Let's check the car's privilege"
"The software engineer says "Let's try all getting out of the car, and getting back in."
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Anonymous2013-01-09 16:01
>>38
Fuck you sandnigger I sniggered like a nigger.
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Anonymous2013-01-09 18:06
A communist, a muslim and an illegal alien walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Hello Mr. President!"