My friends were all undead.

I am feeling very depressed right now because I've come to realize that most of my friends were really zombies. I should have paid attention to the signs, but I really wanted some friends, and the rot wasn't so bad in the beginning.
Sure, when I left them each evening they wouldn't actually go home - they would just stay and moan outside my window. That was kinda creepy, and sort of gay too.
And then there was Fluffy. You turn your back to them just for a moment, and when you come back suddenly Fluffy is missing.
...and that stench. You could get used to it after awhile, but every time you met up with them, you'd have to do that all over again.
...but I mean at first they seemed like really okay guys. A little weird perhaps, but I'm weird too.
I guess I realize now, after about ten years has gone by, that they just wanted to hang with me because of my brains. That's pretty sad, because I really enjoyed their company.
Well, at least I didn't get bitten. At least that's some comfort.

I know you guys don't care about all of this, but I figure that you can't possibly be any worse than my former friends. I guess some of your are probably zombies too, but at least you won't be able to eat my brains.

I'm a vegetarian zombie
grains...grains...

Sounds kind of like:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capgras_delusion

>>3
I guess it all started when we invited a couple of new guys to hang out with us. I don't know what they others thought about them at the time, but I thought that while they may have looked a little rugged, had a somewhat lacking demeanor and were under regular observation by a guy in a hazmat suit, we'd have a positive influence on them.

I guess that the scrawniest of my friends turned a zombie just within a day or two, and after that I kinda lost track. I mean they weren't the best and brightest to begin with, so I just gradually began to suspect that something wasn't quite right about them. I try to be optimistic and think good things about persons, you know, or maybe I was kinda in denial because I didn't want to let go of them and be all lonely again.

Come to think of it, I guess that my friends aren't the only ones who have turned to zombies these last couple of years. I rarely leave the basement where I live, and I kinda walk real fast by people and avoid making eyecontact, because I feel that staring is impolite, but... It's like this one time where I had people banging on my doors and windows in the middle of the night. I called the police, but they told me they were occupied. After that I went to the station and the officer I spoke with there, well, he kinda looked... ...decomposed. ...and he didn't quite seem interested in doing cop stuff. I just figured that he was corrupt at the time, but now I'm starting to wonder...

So I dunno, what should I do, lounge? I don't have any guns to defend myself with, but the walmart is still open in my neighborhood, so besides the zombies, life goes on as it always has. Should I view them as kinda illegal immigrants, and try to get along with them at a distance? I don't know. I mean just because they're undead that's no reason to be violent towards them, right?

>>1
Zombies are not real, but nice story still OP!

>>5
prick wagon

I agree, zombies are not real.

romero-zombies are not real
voodoo-zombies otoh...

>>7
Then how would you explain all of this?

There is a simple explanation, and itKRESKIN

>>10
Yes, that was about as original as a rickroll.

So it's been two weeks now that I've been couped up in my safe house (or safe basement) since my last post. I'm still alive and well. I've stocked my fridge with food so that I will be able to hold out in case I come under attack again.

I heard something on the news about a recent pandemic spreading across the world, but I don't think it's related to this. Somehow this outbreak has gone totally past the CDC and the WHO. I haven't been in any position to count them, but there must be hundreds of zombies in the streets out there, so it really surprises me, although perhaps "lacking higher brain functions" doesn't list as a symptom of an actual illness.

Maybe I should go looking for other survivors, I don't know. It's just that I don't quite know where to find them. They're probably couped up just like me, in some other safehouse somewhere, wondering the exact same thing.

Also, I'm beginning to speculate here: Is it possible to have sex with a zombie without catching gangrene? Should I just wash my willie afterwards, or do I need to use a comdom first? Yes it's disgusting, but what if there's no women left alive here and all I have left as an option is to make do with the undead?

Also, judging by this board, I'm kinda worried that it's not just my city that's been overrun. How many of you are really zombies? How many of you are alive? I think some of you are alive, but I don't know about the rest of you. I mean just look at post >>10 in this thread. Is this really the end of humanity as we know it?

Shoot a zombie
Do a shot

>>13
First of all I don't have a gun, but would I happen to find one lying around in the streets I'm still not too sure on whether these zombies are dead enough for it not to count as murder. I mean they're obviously not dead, and even if they were dead, it would still count as disturbing the dead, which is illegal too. Also, would there be some kind of a cure for it, and we could revert most of them back to normal, I think it could probably count as murder too.

Also, I wouldn't have enough ammo to shoot them all, and as I can easily outrun them, I see no reason to shoot even one unless I'm attacked again. Usually these guys just wander around wasting space, and I don't think that stinking up the place, or occationally moaning outside my windows, justifies shooting a zombie.

Perhaps I could round them up somehow, and bring them to the city dump? No, they'll probably deteriorate to an even worse state than before if I did that.

sage

sage

sage

sage

>>15-18
"Too... ...many... ...words! Must... ...protect... ...braincells... ...from... ...taking... ...control!"

OP here:
I'm getting kinda lonely here, so I've spent the last months trying to communicate with the female zombies, which is kinda sad, I know. As with the male ones, they don't respond either, at least not verbally. I would love for them to at least go "Braaains..." but they're apparently all giving me the silent treatment.
...so the good news is that while trying to establish just how far the outbreak has spread, I've gotten to know a LIVING female (It's just my immediate town area that's affected, apparently.) and right now I'm asking her for coaching advice on this.
I mean I could just try to restrain one of them, tie her up and carry her off home, but even though they're undead, it kinda feels like that would be very bad manners - kinda like molesting a dog or something, I dunno.

Do you guys know anything about how to court a zombie? I'd be greatful for any advice on how to get them to notice me, you know, as a person.

>>20
Have you tried covering yourself in spoilt meat?

>>21
Wouldn't I give myself away the minute I started to do anything else than standing around next to her?

>>21
Anyway, thanks for the tip. I've begun to work at some kind of a zombie disguise. It feels a little bit dishonest though, but I figure that if lying to zombies is the only way for them to get themselves laid, then it's ultimately for their own good, right? I know I'm just thinking of them like soulless things that's lower than even animals now, but they haven't excetly displayed anything that elevates them beyond a cheesegrater, and you don't try to be honest with a cheesegrater, right?

>>23
You should try asking one of them out on a date.  Take it slow though, they're probably still getting used to this whole being undead thing.  Start with a light brunch

All this talk of the undead are giving me the creeps!

>>25
You're an anus!

>>25
I'm a huge fucking faggot who doesn't know shit about the English language.

>>24
Yes, I've been trying to do that for a while now, but as I said, they're not responding at all. I approach them from somewhere where they can't get at me, and then I go "Hi! How are you?" and they just stand around, completely catatonic. Then I go "So... ...you seem nice. I see you like Nine Inch Nails. I like Nine Inch Nails too. Want to hang out or something?" but still no reply. They don't even seem hungry for my flesh anymore, to be honest.
...so yeah, I don't think you get it, and they've been undead for a couple of years now, so I think they're used to it.

>>25
Yeah, of course it's creepy. Not a day goes by when I don't think it's creepy or disturbing. I think I would go nuts if I didn't have this board to write on.

You should learn to be more tolerant of other lifestyles

>>30
You don't think that actually trying to get to know a zombie counts as some kind of a peak of being tolerant of lifestyles?

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>>32
Reported for spam.

Hi, it's me again.
...and yes, I'm still trying to date zombies. It's probably hilarious to you guys that I'm trying to get walking corpses to love me, but it would not be as funny if it were to happen to you.
...and speaking of that, I'm still amazed that this zombie outbreak is so local. It's just my town that's affected! Just my town! Neighbouring towns seem totally fine according to the papers and contacts. Why is that? Every zombie movie I've watched (not that I've watched that many) often speaks about doomsday scenarios where the population of the whole world is wiped out in a matter of *insert narrow time period here*.

I guess it's obvious though, because in practice the roads between towns are long, and even longer if you're a zombie who can't walk very fast. Would you walk a couple of miles even if you WOULD figure out that there would be food over there? Probably not.

I'm also amazed at how the town still manages to have things like electricity and water going. For all I know SOMEONE must be doing their jobs around this town. Is this thing just affecting the unemployed, or what?

Anyway, so although I've made some progress with girls out-of-town, I continue to fail to get any response for "the local girls". Every day I weigh "They're all rotting and ewwie!" against "But they're all I've got!", but I'm still maintaining the honourable stand to not defile the corpses that aren't at least acknowledging me. I've tried to fix the smell with deodorant, but then they just reek of deodorant instead, and that's just trading one stink for another.

Well, if anyone out there has some similar problems, please share your experience, because nothing I've done so far has been successful.

I think the mail room guy at work is a zombie.  He just stands there with a blank look on his face.  And he sweats profusely.  Do zombies sweat?

>>35
The dead can't sweat! He is not dead he probably just hates his job!

>>36
You're an anus!

>>35
That's the easiest way to spot a zombie from a far: Does he stand around a lot, like all casually in the middle of a zombie horde? Of course it doesn't hurt to greet him. If he doesn't respond intelligently to the greeting, or seem generally oblivious to your presence, he's definitely a zombie.

I don't think that zombies sweat, because wouldn't that imply that there's bodyheat and life in them? ...but it's actually kind of hard to tell: They decay, so their skin is different from another humans, which makes it hard to spot, and they reek too, but stronger, so I can't (and won't) discern it by smell. Also, if you're close enough to see that he's sweating, and he still doesn't acknowledge you, he's obviously a zombie.

>>38
Holy shit that sounds like my friend!  And I thought she just had downs

>>39
fuckin lolled