poem (untitled)

what does /lounge/ think of my poem?


Eyes sealed in the total dark of the night,
And I find myself entangled in your impassioned touch.
The tender strokes of your fingers
Brushing against my skin.
Even just the subtlest of motions
From your entrancing frame
Keeps me staggered in a thundrous spell.
The scent lingering across your lips
Enlivens me, and I'm caught up in an explosive thirst
Only quenched by this scorching kiss.
Now these tongues intertwine,
The vigor pushing to illusory heights of passion
And all with each eye tightly shut.
So sudden did light begin to push beneath my sight
And my eyelids separate to make me see,
That I've been embraced in my sheets and my own fantasies,
My arms and no one else's.

I CAEM!

You have no grasp of meter. Lrn2poem.

where's the fuckin rhymes

Its gay, but then I could have told you that without reading it

>>5
i didn't read it.

>>6
well to be honest I didnt either

I thought it was ok. It was great the way it was posted.

Here's mine:

Staring into the light of the sun
Darkness of shadows blinding my fun
Sight is now gone and night thus ensues
Life is all twisted, I pull out my gun.

My wife is a dream, festering lie
My daughter is joyous, inside I cry
Dreaming is over and night thus ensues
Loading my gun with bullets, I sigh.

Sinister thoughts, carnivorous vice
Fill glass with scotch, I throw in some ice
Life's almost over and night thus ensues
Mind's eye perceives, hell seems so nice.

Hunger of smoke, the cigarette's lit
Dropping the match, I let burn for a bit
Hell's almost here and night thus ensues
Flame of my life devours me as I sit.

Pain, disgust, thirst and desire
Gun cocked and loaded, it's down to the wire
Trigger now pulled and night thus ensues
Falling down and down through hell's unending fire

Night Thus Ensues