A story I've been working on

Once more I throw myself on into the jaws of oblivion (read: You people) and ask your opinion on a story I've been writing (if you couldn't tell from the subject). Tell me what you like about it, tell me what I could change. now, without further adieu:


    ... ... ... Help Me!

    Aiden awoke with a start. He was covered in a cold sweat, he knew something had frightened him in his dream, but he couldn't recall what. He stood up and looked out the window. The moons Nike and Morpheus hung high in the starry sky, it had to have been a little past midnight, maybe one or two.
    Aiden drearily watched the clouds cross Morpheus' pale green facade. He let out a loud yawn as the clouds swayed and shifted. His eyes drifted over to Nike, and as he awned again he saw something in the sky beneath the moons. Something was flying -falling for the most part- through the sky, blazing a trail of fire through the night. A spear from the heavens. As it neared the ground Aiden heard a voice in his mind call out to him again: Help Me! He ran to the door and as it opened Elwynne slammed it shut from the other side.
    "I'm sorry Aiden, I can't lose you," she said, and Aiden heard a chair being shoved in front of the door.
    "What? What's that supposed to mean? What's going on!" He demanded. "Did you hear it too? What about you? I can't lose you either!" Aiden screamed as he pounded his fists on the oak of the door until his fingers were cold and his hands were numb. He stopped his futile assault and began pacing, his hands trembling and his chest tight. He knew at one time Elwynne could have slain a wyvern, but she was weak from her sickness. He just didn't know if she could handle that.
    Aiden tried to calm down. Maybe there was no reason to worry, maybe that 'cry for help' was just something residual from his dreams. What little calmness he had deluded himself into believing was shattered away as he heard a woman scream from the forest where the meteorite (?) had landed.
    "Nothing is ever that simple" Aiden berated himself as he ran to the window. Flocks of birds fled the canopy, but nothing could be seen passed the thick green vale. He changed his focus from the forest to the window pane in front of him. Aiden placed his hands on the glass and rapped on it with his knuckles. Trying not to think about what he was doing he grabbed the comforter from the bed and draped it over his shoulders, taking a deep breath.
    Another deep breath. He ran straight towards the glass and dove head first, the blanket tearing on the edges. As Aiden fell he tumbled, but managed to land relatively unharmed. He quickly took stock of his aches and checked for broken bones. His head was ringing from the impact with the glass, and he should have rested. But he didn't have the time for that. Every footfall sent s sting of pain through his legs, but he continued on.
    Aiden hear the sound of steel clashing and ran to the edge of a clearing. There he saw his sister, fighting a man with tan skin and crimson hair. Elwynne lunged forward with her spear, flaxen hair undulating with her graceful movements. The red-haired man parried the thrust with his weapon, a rectangular mace-like sword with a thick, wide blade. He counterattacked, Elwynne brought her buckler up and knocked the sword aside, the spear sweeping toward the man's leather greaves. He back flipped away before running forward with a bestial growl and his sword caught fire. He swung his sword from left to right and a tongue of fire whipped toward Elwynne as she brought her shield up. The man charged faster, running through his own flames and swung his sword down at Elwynne. She faltered, but regained her guard as the sword came down again and lunged forward, knocking her opponent to the ground.
[cont.]

The tanned man reached to the sword that lay a few feet away, but came face to face with the point of the spear. Aiden could hear the man's angry roar resound throughout the forest. Things turned out for the best, then Aiden's world began to unravel. Elwynne's sickness returned, and her adrenaline wore off. She began to falter again, she coughed. The man beneath her used the moment to his advantage and in one swift motion he reached for his weapon, and thrust it through Elwynne's midsection, through her back. Her eyes went wide and her blood ran down the blade, and the man's arm, dripping on the leather of his armour. The man kicked her off his blade and she staggered backwards, leaning on a tree.
    Elwynne's chest heaved with every ragged breath, her hand pressed against her abdomen, scarlet blood flowing passed her fingers as she slumped to the ground. The man climbed to his feet and walk toward her.
    “You shouldn't fight if you can't finish it.” he said before letting out a throaty cackle and spitting in her face. Aiden burned with rage and rushed toward the man as he turned to face the smoldering crater where the meteor (?) fell. Aiden grabbed Elwynne's buckler from the ground and tackle the red haired man from behind, sending them both tumbling down the ledge. During the fall the man had to contend with Aiden's fists. They landed at the bottom and the man reached up to Aiden's neck. The blows didn't stop until he could get a leg under Aiden and kick him aside.
    “Who do think you are?!” the man demanded as he grabbed his unique sword from the dirt. “I am Ask, the Firstborn! You wont survive against me.” he crowed.
    Aiden tightened his grip on the buckler and cleared his throat, sore from the throttling. “My name is Aiden,” he slowly announced. “And that was my sister.” he growled, “And that busted lip would beg to differ as to whether I'll 'survive' or not.”
    The man with the copper skin, Ask he called himself, let out another chuckle, almost doubling over and holding his gut. He then ceased his laughter and stood up with fire in his eyes. He turned his head to the side, eyes still on his opponent, and spit out a wad of blood.
    “Surtr!” he cried out, and in response his blade erupted in flames. He slashed it wildly, sending ribbons of fire snaking at Aiden.
    Aiden raised the shield and closed his eyes. He waited for barely a second and then lunged forward, countering Ask's follow-up. Sweat dripped down his forehead as the sword's flames raged around him. Aiden's body ached from exertion as the fight drew on, his fingers grew callused, both fighters stood across from each other, their chests heaving.
    “You see this, Whelp?” Ask shouted between ragged breaths, holding his sword for Aiden to see. It looked as if someone had welded a thick piece of metal over a regular sword, from underneath the metal sheath small bursts of fire occasionally spewing out, as if the sword was breathing. On the flat edge of the sword was engraved the word [Surtr]. The sword was also now clean of any blood from the wound his sister suffered.
    “You see this?” he demanded, “I put this THROUGH that girl up there,” he jerked his head toward the top of the crater, “And she was good. How do you think an untrained whelp like you can last?” Surtr belched a torrent of scarlet. “That shield wont stop me forever.”
    Ask lunged forward, Surtr's fire engulfing the sword, he slammed it into the buckler. Aiden resisted, pressing forward. He couldn't push Ask back, but he kept him from advancing. His muscles strained for rest. Both fighters put their weight into their weapons and stared into each other's eyes. As Aiden's will was about give way, Ask's arm let out a sharp crack and he jumped back.
    “Damnit!” he cried out, his right arm holding both Surtr and his left shoulder. His left arm hung limp at his side. “They've screwed everything up!” he screamed, gritting his teeth through the pain. “And don't think you've seen the last of me. I will get that eye!”
    Suddenly Ask thrust Surtr into the ground and was engulfed in a conflagration. The flames quickly burned out and the night was both cold and silent.
    Aiden doubted Ask's self-immolation was lethal, but he wondered what he meant by 'that eye'. Aiden didn't dwell on that thought though, and hurried as fast as he could to the edge of the crater. Something caught his eye, and he went over to it. It was a large construct of metal almost completely scraped from the crash. And there, laying inside of the structure was a beautiful young woman. All that was visible was her face, and as Aiden moved shrapnel, dirt, and debris from off of her, he realized she was naked. Blushing, he removed his tunic and dressed her in it. It was not enough to walk through the town without awkward glances, but it was large enough to cover hat needed to be covered, just barely.
    Aiden wrapped her arms around his neck and her smooth legs around his waist. He leaned forward and began to steadily climb the incline, using one hand to keep her from falling off the slope of his back, and the other to keep them both from falling down the grade. As he climbed, he could feel the light rise and fall of her chest through the single layer of fabric. His face grew hot as he tried to concentrate only on the hill and not his sleeping passenger. He could feel her gentle breath on the back of his neck, and under his hand he could feel the soft flesh of her thigh.
[cont.]

“You see this?” he demanded, “I put this THROUGH that girl up there,” he jerked his head toward the top of the crater, “And she was good. How do you think an untrained whelp like you can last?” Surtr belched a torrent of scarlet. “That shield wont stop me forever.”
    Ask lunged forward, Surtr's fire engulfing the sword, he slammed it into the buckler. Aiden resisted, pressing forward. He couldn't push Ask back, but he kept him from advancing. His muscles strained for rest. Both fighters put their weight into their weapons and stared into each other's eyes. As Aiden's will was about give way, Ask's arm let out a sharp crack and he jumped back.
    “Damnit!” he cried out, his right arm holding both Surtr and his left shoulder. His left arm hung limp at his side. “They've screwed everything up!” he screamed, gritting his teeth through the pain. “And don't think you've seen the last of me. I will get that eye!”
    Suddenly Ask thrust Surtr into the ground and was engulfed in a conflagration. The flames quickly burned out and the night was both cold and silent.
    Aiden doubted Ask's self-immolation was lethal, but he wondered what he meant by 'that eye'. Aiden didn't dwell on that thought though, and hurried as fast as he could to the edge of the crater. Something caught his eye, and he went over to it. It was a large construct of metal almost completely scraped from the crash. And there, laying inside of the structure was a beautiful young woman. All that was visible was her face, and as Aiden moved shrapnel, dirt, and debris from off of her, he realized she was naked. Blushing, he removed his tunic and dressed her in it. It was not enough to walk through the town without awkward glances, but it was large enough to cover hat needed to be covered, just barely.
    Aiden wrapped her arms around his neck and her smooth legs around his waist. He leaned forward and began to steadily climb the incline, using one hand to keep her from falling off the slope of his back, and the other to keep them both from falling down the grade. As he climbed, he could feel the light rise and fall of her chest through the single layer of fabric. His face grew hot as he tried to concentrate only on the hill and not his sleeping passenger. He could feel her gentle breath on the back of his neck, and under his hand he could feel the soft flesh of her thigh.
    When he reached the end of the rise, he tenderly laid her upon the ground and ran to his sister.
    “Elwynne!” he cried, “Wake up!”
    She opened her eyes slowly and looked into her brother's eyes
    “Elwynne?”
    “You did good, Little Brother,” she murmured as blood dripped from her lips. “I guess now you don't have to to take care of me.”
    “Don't talk like that, Sister!” Aiden wailed as he trembled. “You can't go Elwynne! You're all I have left.”
    She smiled, and then her body was racked by coughing, sending blood across her breastplate. “You don't need me anymore Aiden, You're a man now. And I don't think I'm all you have left” another cough, “Take care of her” she said, pointing to the girl, who had just rolled over in her sleep. She looked so innocent, so fragile. She was completely unaware of what was happening a few feet away while she lay there. Turning back to Elwynne, Aiden held her hand in his own. She was so cold. She had been so strong to him, ever since he was young. And yet now she was so weak and frail. “I have faith in you, Little Brother.” as she looked into Aiden's eyes, hers grew milky and white.
    Aiden closed his eyes and prayed Elwynne would be alive when he opened them. That he would wake up in his bed and she would be there at the bottom of the stairs when he ran down them, sitting by the fireplace reading. When he opened his eyes though, there was only a cold lifeless form in his arms, that had been his sister only moments before. He opened his eyes and knew she would never open hers again. He ran his fingers over her face and closed the lids. Something hot and wet dripped on his arm. Droplets fell from his eyes like the rain.
[cont.]

    Aiden laid the crimson haired girl down on Elwynne's bed and pulled the covers over her dark goldenrod body. Aiden moved through the hallway and into the kitchen. He sat at the table and clasped his hands together, his eyes closed. He sat there for nearly ten minutes, silent, before he leaned back and let out a sigh. He placed his hand on the sheet that covered his sister's corpse. Her body was like ice now, Aiden said a prayer as he sprinkled scented oil over her and then returned to the bedroom. He took a seat in a high backed blue chair beside the bed. His mind was full of scorpions as he tried in vain to keep his mind from wandering and wondering. Eventually fatigue set in and he succumbed to the embrace of sleep.
    Later, he was woken by the girl's stirring. “You're awake?” Aiden wondered as he rubbed his eyes and shook his head to clear it.
    She only let out a murmur of confusion, perhaps some language unknown to Aiden. “Can you speak?” He asked her. She tilted her head to the left, her brow furrowed in confusion. “Do you have a name?” She cutely scrunched her nose and raised her eyes to the ceiling, head tilting from side to side. Aiden assumed she was thinking to herself.
    When she finally spoke it was as if she was unsure of the meaning behind the words. “I... don't know...” She said slowly.
Aiden let out a sigh and leaned back in the chair. “Great... Do you remember anything?”
    “I remember... July?”
    “July? The desert to the south, in Utgard?”
    “May... Maybe?”
    “Anything else?”
    She squinted her eyes and pursed her lips. “I remember a light. It was shining in my eyes, and then a man with a gray beard and one eye, at least, I think he only had one eye. He said... “ She paused, again unsure. “I think he said 'we can't let Kether have you just yet.' And then I closed my eyes. I remember wishing someone would help me in my dream,” that must have been her then Aiden thought, “And I think I heard a woman's voice answer me.”
    Suffice to say, that piqued Aiden's interest. “Answer? You spoke to her?”
    The girl tilted her head forward, hair covering her face. “Aye, she said 'don't worry, Katzchen, I'll make sure you're safe.' That's all, and then I felt like everything would be alright.” That had to have been Elwynne, Katzchen was what she had called him when he was younger. How did she talk to Elwynne? Did Sister know what was going to happen? Was Sis an Esper?  Aiden's mind buzzing once again. Well...” he paused “I think you need a name... I don't know what to call you.”
    “But I don't know my name.”
    “Is there anything you'd like to be called then?”
    She stopped and thought, “I don't know any names.” she said, her voice showing her disappointment.
    “Don't worry about it,” Aiden comforted her. “I guess...”
    “You could name me!” she happily interjected.
    Aiden sat and concentrated on every name he could think of. How about... Ithunn?” He suggested after a long silence.
    “Ithunn?” Ithunn quizzically turned the word on her tongue. “Ithunn... Ithunn.” She played around with the name. She looked to Aiden, I...THUNN!” and they both laughed, “I like it.” She told him, “How did you come up with it?”
    “Well, I kept coming back to it. It's from an old faerie tale, but I can't remember it.”
    “I like it.” She said again. “Thank you.” Aiden couldn't help but flush, he didn't know why, but his face and chest grew redder.
    “Y-you're welcome.”  He stuttered, a little proud of himself.
    Ithunn let out a yawn.
    “You're still tired?”
    “I guess I am,” she said sadly, “I'm sorry.”
    “That's okay, get some sleep. I hate to do it, but we're leaving tomorrow.”
    “Okay.” She said as she lay back down. “wait,” she looked at Aiden, “if I'm Ithunn, who are you?”
    “Huh? My name's Aiden. Now go back to sleep.”
    Aiden sat in the dark, staring at all of Elwynne's things around the room. Soon they would all be gone. He choked back tears and managed to keep his eyes from watering. Aiden knew his sister wouldn't want him to pursue vengeance, but he couldn't let her death go unpunished. There was a feeling that they would meet again. Though Ask had gone so far as to say so himself.
    As the sun rose, Aiden set out for the village. Ithunn was still slumbering softly in Elwynne's bed, and he saw no reason to disturb her.

As the door opened Ithunn's triangular ears perked up. She ran into the arms of a startled Aiden and buried her face in his chest, knocking him to the ground. Her arms where tightly wrapped around his waist, and he began to feel tears through his shirt.
    “Wh... what's wrong?”
    “I-I woke up an... and you weren't there. I-I thought... I thought you left me.” she sobbed.
    Aiden couldn't help but smile. He placed a hand on her head and comforted her the way his mother had comforted him so long ago. “I didn't leave you, I just thought you might like something to eat. I also bought you clothes to wear.
    She turned her face upwards and looked into his eyes. Aiden noticed two things, the first were of course her eyes. Like the rain after a drought, she was sad, and it made him sad. She needed protection, and he would protect her. One eye was an emerald in a field of white, the other was a deep, steel blue, both as lucid as a still pond, and as torrid as the tides in a storm.
    “I won't leave you,” Aiden whispered into her ear as he lay his cheek on hers. That had been the second thing he noticed, her ears. They were came straight out to the side of her head and had the same silhouette as a pyramid, softly curving at the vertex.

And from a little later in the story (Chapter Ten to be precise), naughty things happen:

“How are you my little fireball?" the sultry Nephilim woman wondered as the doors slid closed behind her.
"Go to Hel, Tifa." Ask said without turning around.
"Aw, now that's no way to speak to a lady." A smile formed on her full, black lips. She was taller then Ask, she wrapped her arms around his neck and draped herself on him, her voluptuous breasts pressing against him. She placed her painted lips to his ear, and in a voice that dripped of venom and honey said: "I just wanted to know how my little fireball was doing," She pouted, "but if you don't want to talk to me..."
[tt]"I am so sorry, Tiffereth."[/tt] Ask replied in a monotone. [tt]"I did not mean to upse-[/tt] stay out of my head witch!" He said abruptly.
"Ah, you're no fun," Tiffereth feigned sorrow. Three women, who had been working at the control panels that lined the walls of the Empyrean's bridge, wordlessly came to her side and gave her condolences. The heady scent of flowers hung thick in the air, Ask rolled his eyes. "so rude, Master Ask," They said, "Lady Tiffereth was worried about you." "you're so inconsiderate." Tifa gave the closest a deep, passionate kiss. The other two let out sighs of longing. She took another and placed her lips on the girl's neck, moving down toward her collar. The girl let out soft moans of pleasure, Tiffereth's hand rubbing the small of her back. The other hand moved down the front of her stomach, sliding under her clothes. The other girls watched eagerly.
The pleasured girl's skin glistened with beads of perspiration as she was pressed against the wall, her back arced. As her moaning climaxed, the doors slid open. Her cries gently subsided and she started to regain her composure. She addressed the imposing man that had entered the bridge. "L-lord K-Kether," She stuttered, bowing her head in servility as Tifa removed her dripping hand from the girl's loins.
"Hello, Dearest." Tiffereth said to the dark skinned man as she held her hand to the side. The other two girls began to clean her with their tongues. The two finished quickly, and began to clean anything that had gotten on their lips. Tifa moved towards Kether and they held each other. A true smile crossed Tiffereth's lips as she was embraced.
"Causing trouble I see?" Kether observed as he kissed the small horns on her forehead.
"You know me," She replied, "People just [tt]love[/tt] me."
Ask cleared his throat loudly. "As interesting as it always is to watch you bewitch and molest people on the bridge, I can't help but think I could be doing better things." he berated over his crossed arms.
"Ah, yes... You can go clean yourself." Kether addressed the girl, who was still bowing to him, her face red. "You should go as well," he told the young man who had been sitting next to her as blood ran from his nose.
"Y-yes, my Lord," he said as he pinched his nose and ran out.
"Frakking circus..." Ask muttered.

Well, /lounge/, what do you think? Is it good? what should I remove, what should I add? Any tweaking that needs to be done?

I'm awfully sorry to hear that. Do you want me to look for her?

For a brief (relatively)summary:

The tale concerns a young man named Aiden, the girl that fell from the sky one night, a Black Knight Trowe, and the Organization known as Sephiroth that aims to use the girl as the key to unlock Bifrost, the Gate that bars the way to Eden. The Sephira (plural of Sephiroth) want to return to Eden to eat the Fruit from the Tree of Life (Sephiroth being another word for the Tree of Life), Humanity having chosen to eat the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge at the cost of being expelled from Eden by the Goddess Elyon. Their reasons are due to the Curse and Mark of Cain, which in the story is Red hair, tanish skin, and horns.  To get threw Bifrost they... for lack of a better word "Cloned" Ask and Embla, (Read: Adam and Eve). They used what remains they could find to create two Homunculi, and at there heart is a seed of the Tree of Life, taken from a sort of 'fake' Tree of Life that grew from seeds planted in Ask I's corpse by his third child Seth (read Genesis). These seeds where also eaten by the high ranking members of Sephiroth (Kether, Tiffereth, Raziel, Raphael, Cassiel, Nuriel, and Ask II) and each one's natural abilities were amplified. Each of the leaders of Sephiroth's personality is based around one of the Seven Sin's (Kether is Luciferan in his cockiness{Pride}; Tifa, who is unable to know for sure if anyone really loves her due to her powers uses them to forge hollow romances at a whim {Lust}; Raziel hordes everything and keeps his own company, Hating everyone but Cassiel and carrying a book that chronicles everything in his life {Greed}; Raphael is addicted to a drug called Ambrosia that gives him a wolverine-esque healing factor and increases his Thaumaturgic (read: Pretty much magic, Kung Fu, ESP)powers and is a gambler, making constant referances to a goddess known as Lady Fortuna {Gluttony}; Cassiel is a pwerful Esper (Read: has psychic powers) and is confined to a wheelchair, her body completely paralyzed, She uses an astral projection that looks like a little Nephilim girl with a stuffed Chimera, never speaking or usually even acknowledging anyone but Raziel{Sloth}; Nuriel, who has a snaking burn scar along the side of her body and face can change her appearance to anything else that she wants to look like except her own self and acts as the fire that  took her beauty from her by stealing people's existence (You 'give her your name) and you no longer exist to anyone but her and yourself, a less then metaphorical Deal with the Devil){Envy}; And of course, Ask (II). He's Wrath, though he wants to change his ways after having a vision and learning that the woman that took care of him since he was created and who he fell in love with is now pregnant with his child. As well as the vision telling him that if he didn't he'd go to the Guningap, pretty much an infinite abyss, a lack of everything for eternity that makes Hell look welcoming.)

>>7
say what?

Also, if that's a bit confusing, that's because I plan on it being very long. Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings long.

tl;dr

this is a text board... all it is is reading... -_-

>>11

Yes but, I read about eight sentences of your story and found myself bored. I'm not going to bother reading the rest.

Needs more girls. You can add them to anything and it makes it better.

[spolier]^{test[/spoiler]}

>>14
Way to bump the thread, you butthole.

>>15
fuck you faggot!!

>>16
So rude.

>>16
Listen here, jerkface.

Aiden awoke with a start
Stopped reading there, lol.

>>19
Get on Steam, fatso.