Critique me

hey guys,
i was wondering if anyone would be interested in critiquing a poem i just wrote recently? kind of rough but id really like some opinions. (sorry this is kind of tangent to the purpose of this forum)

JUST POST IT OR SOMETHING THEN

OK GOD.

I find myself sitting out in the desert
Just me a cooler of beer and this folding chair
Nothing else to do today
No one else around today
Clouds are starting to whisper in
The horses are getting restless
Damned if I’m not either
Perspiration drips off my bottle
The only moist ground for miles
Something about this dry air
Makes me think I’m infinite
Something about this cold beer
Makes me think that’s irrelevant
Maybe I’ll just sit here the whole damn week
Smoke a carton of Marlboros down to two hundred filters
I’m beyond money
I’m beyond earth
I’ve already started traveling without leaving my folding chair
Sure, my body is confined, and my time imprisoned
But that doesn’t mean a good ol boy can’t daydream
He can daydream all he wants
Until that last bottle is bone dry, just like everything else
Mike’s old sheepdog Zack comes up next to me
Panting
Don’t know what ever happened to Mike
But the dog sure took a liking to me
I poor out some fresh beer on the ground
He laps up the dirty alcohol
Pleased to have something wet in his mouth
These clouds have started talking amongst themselves
If I had to guess I’d say that
The storm will break sometime this evening
Shit, I’d as soon stay out and catch a shower
Then leave this chair out here by itself
I can taste dust and electricity in each breath
I can taste nostalgia in each drag of smoke
Couldn’t tell you why
Everything I’ve ever left is right here with me
The storm is just drifting in
The horses aren’t even stirring anymore
They known I’ve no place to put them
Zach’s resting with his eyes open
The mutt wouldn’t know what to do if
I got out of this chair
Tell you the truth,
I’m just so damn thirsty
If I had to guess I’d say that
Mike went to go find water
Took a pack of smokes with him
Poor bastard was probably face up in the sun
Holding that last filter, with two drags of smoke left and an ember
Laughing himself to death
Looking right at the sun
That dumb bastard always did stare into it
Sometimes I think I could be anywhere else
But I know that I’m never leaving
I know I’ll never get the nerve
I only get the dreams
And shit, those cost less than this beer
I’m not too inclined to spend money on
Something that doesn’t come in a 12-pack, anyway
Tell you the truth,
I used to be so damn thirsty.

Eh, honestly I don't like it that much. First, it's way too long. It's just WORDS WORDS WORDS and trails off, you can easily shorten it. Also, put in some paragraphs.
Second, the writing is pretty bland. The text doesnt't flow and has no rhythm. It reads like a script. But I still like the story behind it. Actually, I think this may be better if it was a short story.
That's just my opinion, man

thanks man i appreciate it, i kind of wanted that rhythmless feel, im thinking youre right though, probably better off as a short story. it was just pseudo-stream-of-consciousness writing so this was easier to get it down in for some reason. also,  i feel like spicing up the adjectives takes away from its simplistic nature, what do you thikn?

anything else?

i really liked it. just thought I'd let you know.

I'm more into prose than poetry, but I think I can offer this word of advice: get rid of words that don't hold any weight. Example "I find myself," "just me" "and this" "are starting" "something" etc, all that shit, cut it out. You'd get something like this:

sitting in the desert
a cooler of beer and folding chair
Nothing to do
No one around
Clouds whisper
horses restless

Cut the fat. I'm not saying the above example is publishable, but I think it's better. Also, I'm not sure if you want to introduce a new image in every line, but then again, I'm not well versed in poetry.

good shit thanks guys, taking note of everything, keep it coming

To be fair, it depends on what you're trying to do.
>>3 is more likely to be favorably received by old men at a cowboy poetry competition.
>>7 is more likely to play well with a more urbane literary set.

Way too long, too sparse on content, not even a hint of insight. Hopelessly cartoony, filled with second-hand imagery, like something stitched together out of 1990-era Jeep and Ford commercials.

Don't listen to >>10 listen to >>7 .
Following his advice would make it a much better poem in my opinion. Post the results if you agree.

Just to let you know, poetry without use of punctuation is either just prose and the enter key or e.e. cummings (who I personally find really annoying anyway.)

I'm not just dicking about here either, punctuation is needed. The fuck does this MEAN:

" to whisper in
The horses" MY GOD THEY ARE INSIDE THE HORSES! I AM 12 AND WHAT IS THIS?

"if I’m not either" what the subject? The reader is left kind of high and dry.


Also, tl;dr for 4chan too. Try a little shorter for our purposes next time.