Critique this please.

This is a poem I wrote and entered into a scholarship contest last week, the results arent released until next month, and I'd like to get /book/'s opinion.

Frustrated Infatuation

A spot irrevocably remains,
and keeps the mind from switching lanes.
That visage ever persistent
becomes all of existence
The memory of her heat
that burned souls so easily
some strange affliction of the feat
made him feel less than measly

The waters were still
ere it was all made real
Praises were tossed, back and then forth
As they both vowed to neglect each other's worth.

That stoic mind was perturbed on that night.
The distress, and anguish and subsequent fight
she had with her former, a knave to the last.
He knew her long before, yet fell for her fast.
Now he is bound between those two organs
the heart and the mind caught in a dance.
All men must face one time in their life,
A state all consumed with frustration and strife.

nice rhythm, meter is generally well-used, rhyme scheme works well, especially in the last stanza, it's about something a lot of people can relate to

overall a competent poem, i wouldn't be surprised if you won with it

OP here
anon has made my day
my english teacher hinted she didnt like it
but here, in the great medium that is the internet, i find one who likes it, and even sounds educated on the subject of poetic form.
TAKE THAT SULLIVAN!

I can't say I care much for it, but can't say it is bad or anything. Nothing like this could ever make one remembered, though. You can't tell this from thousands of similar quality poems out there, especially in the Internet age, and that's the main flaw of this poem, I think.

>>3
Generally I would take an English teacher's opinion with a grain of salt, since all of them have very varied tastes. What one English teacher dislikes might make you another's favorite. But of course, you should always listen to what they have to say, even if they damn your piece to hell.

>>3
>>2 here
actually I don't know shit about poems, i just threw together some random words i found on wikipedia, your english teacher is probably right

plz critique plz

"wots dat" johnny said an spat on lennys ass cheeks
"its me mole johnny, u shud know dat uve been fucking me in the ass for da last 3 years baby" lenny replied and snorted his bugger back
"well i dinna know i wonna fuk u any more kenny. dat moles pretty scary"
"me names lenny"
i know kenney
its spelt k-e-n-n-y
how u know its spetls liek dat??
i can predict things kenne
like wot
like dat after uve read this ull think its utter shite
well gollyposh johnny uve got it
i know. im not that stupid u know. just tired
of wot
of all the pretense in the world drawing the opprobrium of the literary upper crust
by god kelly uve gon maaaaaaaaad
maaaaaaaaaaaaaad baby maaaaaaaaaaaad!!!!!!! kiss my ass cheeks lenny
i will johnny
johnny im not johnny

im u

>>7
Now thats a good piece of writing
mmm
>>2
Sounds like how most English teachers critique pieces.

You sound like you're trying to write dialogue for some sort of wizard fantasy movie. The whole thing reads like you just sat down with a thesaurus and chose the biggest words you could find and swapped them in. Consider scaling it back a little bit. Ten-dollar words have more impact when they're used more infrequently. If you're just cramming these big, overblown phrases in every chance you get, it takes away from their power. The reader doesn't notice them because the whole poem is made of them. If you keep it simple though, leading the reader along, and then hit them with a big fancy word, it catches them off guard and makes them really THINK about the word. It's much more effective.

But of course, you've already submitted the poem, so that doesn't help you much now. It's not a bad poem as it is. I would say you have a shot of winning, but then again I don't know how competitive this scholarship is.

I don't like it, but i appreciate its form
it is well thought out and processed, i just personally dont like it, no basis for my reason of dislike, just plain dont like it.

hope you win though!

You obscure the domestic reality. Poetry is not about taking an event/observation/etc and sprucing it up to the point where it seems "poetic". My critique would be to rethink the way you went about portraying whatever it was you were trying to portray.

Basically: just tell us what happened. Don't give us a fake/token version of what happened or how you felt etc.

Is the rhyming scheme essential?
It's fairly well written, actually, but I doubt the poem's ability to stand out - the title alone brands it permanently as a very typical one.
Don't mean to be mean, but that's what I think.