HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. MANY YEARS AGO, A MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE PILFERED AN OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUIT FROM MY ILLUSTRIOUS STORE AND WRONGFULLY CLAIMED IT AS HIS OWN. INSULTED BY HIS DISHONESTY, MY MASSIVE MANHOOD MISSILE TORE OUT OF MY FRESHLY TAILORED PANTS, AND VICIOUSLY SLAMMED HIM INTO PAVEMENT, RATTLING HIS BONES AND SEVERING HIS FORESKIN. THE LOOKS OF INNOCENCE, ABJECT TERROR, AND PURE SADNESS IN HIS EYES EMOTIONALLY AND CHEMICALLY UNITED AND FORMED AN APHRODISIAC WHICH EMANATED FROM HIS VERY SOUL. AROUSED BY THIS DISPLAY AND WITH MY OBLITERATED PANTS LAID STREWN AROUND MY ANKLES, I CHARGED AT HIM WITH THE FEROCITY OF A FEMALE GRIZZLY BEAR PROTECTING ITS YOUNG. THE BEWILDERED YET FRIGHTENED LOOK THAT GRACED HIS TEAR-COVERED, DOWN'S SYNDROME-SHAPED FACE AS MY PULSATING POWER PUMP RUSHED TO MEET HIS FACE HAS CAUSED AND WILL CONTINUE TO CAUSE ME UPROARIOUS, RUMBLING LAUGHTER FOR MANY DECADES TO COME. SCARED AND HELPLESS, HE BEGAN TO WADDLE AWAY BUT ALAS, HIS EFFORTS WERE FUTILE. BEFORE HE COULD STUMBLE AWAY FROM MY GRASP, I CLOSED THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US WITH MY MASSIVE, MENACING MEMBER, AND HE SOON GOT A TASTE OF MY COLLOSSAL CUM CANNON AS IT SMASHED INTO HIS CRANIUM, WHICH WAS QUITE PUNY BY COMPARISON. THE FORCE OF MY CYCLOPEAN CUNT CLOBBERER SENT HIM HURTLING ACROSS THE ROOM, THROUGH SEVERAL DESKS, AND FINALLY CAUSED HIM TO SLAM HEADFIRST INTO A DISPLAY OF MY DELIGHTFULLY DAPPER SUITS. I VAULTED OVER TO HIM WITH THE HELP OF MY PULSATING PYTHON OF POON-POUNDING, AND THEN LIFTED HIM UP AND PINNED HIM AGAINST THE ORNATELY-DECORATED CEILING WITH THE HEAD OF MY CAREFULLY MANUEVERED CERVIX CRUSADER. AS I WATCHED ALL HOPE DISSAPPEAR FROM HIS GRIEF-STRICKEN FACE, I BESPATTERED HIM WITH A DELUGE OF MASTERFULLY SPREAD MANJUICE, DROWNING HIM IN MY RICH PROTEIN SHAKE AND CORRUPTING HIS SOUL. THE COPIOUS AMOUNT OF CORN SYRUP RUSHING FORTH FROM MY PULSATING, POWER-PACKED PLACENTA POKER QUICKLY FLOODED MY STORE AND RAISED THE EARTH'S SEA LEVEL BY APPROXIMATELY 10 PERCENT. BILLIONS OF PEOPLE GASPED FOR AIR AS THEY DROWNED IN LEGIONS OF MY STIFLINGLY SUBSTANTIAL SEED, AND MANY YEARS AFTER THIS INCIDENT, THE BODY OF THE MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE HAS NOT BEEN RECOVERED. I GUARANTEE IT.
There can't be more than one guy writing these... good thing he's a VIPPER :D
Name:
VIPPER2007-01-15 15:53
bestest zimmer in ages == WIN
Name:
VIPPER2007-01-15 19:49
Is there a huge archive somewhere with every epic ZIMMER story archived?
Name:
VIPPER2007-01-15 23:21
>>7
Encyclopedia Dramatica would be your best bet for this. They have lots of copy pasta there.
Name:
VIPPER2007-01-17 21:14
HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. AT YOUR MOTHER'S FUNERAL CEREMONY I WAS BEGGED BY YOUR MOST ADORABLE LITTLE SISTER, NOT OLDER THAN SEVEN, TO REVIVE HER MOTHER. I INFORMED HER THAT SUCCESSFUL MEN NEVER DO GOOD DEEDS WITHOUT ANYTHING IN RETURN AND PROMPTLY PULLED DOWN THE PANTALOONS OF MY INCREDIBLY DAPPER SUIT TO REVEAL THE TILTING TOWER OF PISA. THE AWESOME MIGHT OF MY MANLY COUNTENANCE SLAMMED THE HELPLESS GIRL TO THE FLOOR AND SHE WAS LEFT TO THE WHIMS OF THE DASTARDLY DRAKE LEVIATHAN. I COULD BARELY PREVENT MY ORAL GLANDS FROM PRODUCING ENOUGH JUICE TO SUBMERGE THE CITY OF GOMORRAH AS MY SAUSAGE ENTERED THE BUBBLING CAULDRON FILLED WITH THE DELICIOUS SAUCES OF LEGENDARY LEPRECHAUN CHEFS. SIMULTANEOUS WITH MY BRUTAL STABBING OF THE SHE-DOG USING MY SHINING SNICKERSNEE, THE LITTLE PRINCESS CRIED DELIGHTFULLY LIKE A FIVE-DOLLAR HARLOT NAMED CANDY BEING RUN OVER BY A SEAVESSEL OF BURLY MEN IN AN UNHOLY DEN OF DEBAUCHERY. AT END, THE FAT LADY STARTED WARMING UP, AND THE GATES OF HEAVEN AND HELL UNLEASHED AN ENDLESS ARMY OF BRAVE WHITE-DRESSED WARRIORS. ALMOST LOSING MY SANITY TO THE HOLY SIGHT, MY IMPOSSIBLY MASSIVE MANHOOD EJACULATED A CRUCIAL STREAM OF MAN-ACORNS, THE FLOOD NOT STOPPING UNTIL I HAVING FILLED THE MISS' IMPREGNABLE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE WITH MORE PRISONERS THAN A LARGE-SCALE GENOCIDE COULD TAKE CARE OF. BEING A MAN OF HONOR, I TORE YOUR MOTHER'S WELL-ENDOWED CARCASE OUT OF THE CASKET AND FILLED HER DESERTED CAVES WITH THE GENEROUS PRODUCE OF MY FOUNTAIN OF LIFE. WHEN THE BLOATED DUMMY WAS FILLED, MY VIRILITY TOOK A BRIEF VACATION, AND THE DRIPPING CARRION ROSE TO AN ENDLESS LIFE OF UNDEATH. SHE LOYALLY SERVES MY COMPANY TO THIS DAY. I GUARANTEE IT.
HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. JUST LAST WEEK, MY WHIPPERSNAPPING NEPHEW TAUGHT ME HOW TO NAVIGATE THE VAST PIPES OF THE INTERNET. EMPLOYING THE USE OF MY BRAIN THE SIZE OF A SMALL PLANET, COMPLEMENTING MY COLOSSAL GRAFT, I REALIZED THAT THIS THING WAS NOT ENTIRELY HUMBUG, AND THAT IT WOULD BE THE PERFECT ACCOMPLICE FOR SEDUCING THE YOUNG MAIDENS OF THE WORLDS. IMMEDIATELY, I MADE HASTE AND FOUND A CONVERSATION PARTNER, A WILLING LASS OF THIRTEEN SPRINGS. A BRIEF SESSION OF USING MY PATENTED PEOPLE-SKILLS, SHE CONVEYED TO ME A SET OF PICTURES DEPICTING A MOST LOVELY YOUNG BUD, READY TO BE PICKED BY THE YOUNG FLOWER-PICKERS OF THE YONDER FARM. THE FINAL PICTURE HOWEVER, CONTAINED THE ENTIRELY OF HER BODICE, WITH A MINUSCULE, I KNOW NOT HOW TO EXPRESS THIS, PHALLUS. THE FURY I WAS STRUCK WITH WAS IN THIS WORLD EQUALED ONLY BY THE BEWILDERING AROUSEMENT OF MY FROTHING MEMBER, WHICH IN NO TIME GREW TO NO LESS THAN HEROIC PROPORTIONS. I REALIZED THAT ATTEMPTING TO SATISFY MY GARGANTUAN DESIRE BY MYSELF WOULD BE FUTILE, THUSLY I INVOKED THE POWER OF MY GOD-GIVEN MANHOOD BY VIOLENTLY SHOVING IT THROUGH THE WOMB OF THE MONITOR. THROUGH MY MIRACULOUS MANLINESS, I APPEARED IN THE FRONT OF THE STAR OF MY CONQUESTS. USING MY GIRTH, WHICH IS ENOUGH TO CLOBBER LEGIONS OF FEMALE SEALS, I SMACKED IT AGAINST HER OR HIS FACE REPEATEDLY WITH DEVASTATING EFFECTS. ITS FACE WAS TURNED INTO A BLOODY HUNK OF MEAT, WHICH I PROCEEDED TO PENETRATE WITH THE DEFORMED HEAD OF THE GIRAFFE. THE MIND-BOGGLING FEELING AS I PENETRATED HER CRANIUM CAN NOT BE DESCRIBED IN WORDS, AND IN NO TIME, THE LONG-AWAITED WAS REALIZED, THE FINAL ACT OF THE PLAY. GO FORTH, MY BRAVE REGIMENT, AND GARRISON THE BATTLEMENTS WITH YOUR MIASMAL NUMBERS! AS THE CROWN OF HER BEAUTY WAS FILLED, I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE ANY TRACE OF MY PRESENCE AT THIS PRESENT LOCATION. PROMPTLY I PUT MY MALE CONNECTOR IN THE TUBE LEADING TO THE INTERNET. VERILY, MY TORMENTING TORRENT OF EMISSIONS DID NOT CEASE UNTIL THE TUBES WERE CLOGGED WITH ENOUGH VIGOROUS LIQUOR THAT NOT EVEN HADES, THE PLUMBER OF THE UNDERWORLD, COULD CLEAN THEM OUT. I GUARANTEE IT.
Name:
VIPPER2007-01-18 13:31
Pleez to accept one Gold Internets on behaf of these communities, sir.
Name:
VIPPER2007-01-18 13:49
Epic
Name:
VIPPER2007-01-18 15:00
>>12
I should have read this one through before posting it, but I guess this is the quality of my writing at 3 PM. 3 AM, being when I wrote the previous one, is much better.
Name:
VIPPER2007-01-19 5:17
HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER OF YOUR MOM AND I HAVE A REDICULOUSLY SMALL PENIS WHICH NOBODY LIKES TO SEE BECAUSE IT SMELLS OF BLUE STILTON
pwnd
Name:
VIPPER2007-01-19 9:31
>>16
HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. HAVE YOU NO SHAME -- YOU DIDN'T GUARANTEE IT. I GUARANTEE IT.