HO, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. MANY YEARS AGO, A MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE PILFERED AN OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUIT FROM MY ILLUSTRIOUS STORE AND WRONGFULLY CLAIMED IT AS HIS OWN. INSULTED BY HIS DISHONESTY, MY MASSIVE MANHOOD MISSILE TORE OUT OF MY FRESHLY TAILORED PANTS, AND VICIOUSLY SLAMMED HIM INTO PAVEMENT, RATTLING HIS BONES AND SEVERING HIS FORESKIN. THE LOOKS OF INNOCENCE, ABJECT TERROR, AND PURE SADNESS IN HIS EYES EMOTIONALLY AND CHEMICALLY UNITED AND FORMED AN APHRODISIAC WHICH EMANATED FROM HIS VERY SOUL. AROUSED BY THIS DISPLAY AND WITH MY OBLITERATED PANTS LAID STREWN AROUND MY ANKLES, I CHARGED AT HIM WITH THE FEROCITY OF A FEMALE GRIZZLY BEAR PROTECTING ITS YOUNG. THE BEWILDERED YET FRIGHTENED LOOK THAT GRACED HIS TEAR-COVERED, DOWN'S SYNDROME-SHAPED FACE AS MY PULSATING POWER PUMP RUSHED TO MEET HIS FACE HAS CAUSED AND WILL CONTINUE TO CAUSE ME UPROARIOUS, RUMBLING LAUGHTER FOR MANY DECADES TO COME. SCARED AND HELPLESS, HE BEGAN TO WADDLE AWAY BUT ALAS, HIS EFFORTS WERE FUTILE. BEFORE HE COULD STUMBLE AWAY FROM MY GRASP, I CLOSED THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US WITH MY MASSIVE, MENACING MEMBER, AND HE SOON GOT A TASTE OF MY COLLOSSAL CUM CANNON AS IT SMASHED INTO HIS CRANIUM, WHICH WAS QUITE PUNY BY COMPARISON. THE FORCE OF MY CYCLOPEAN CUNT CLOBBERER SENT HIM HURTLING ACROSS THE ROOM, THROUGH SEVERAL DESKS, AND FINALLY CAUSED HIM TO SLAM HEADFIRST INTO A DISPLAY OF MY DELIGHTFULLY DAPPER SUITS. I VAULTED OVER TO HIM WITH THE HELP OF MY PULSATING PYTHON OF POON-POUNDING, AND THEN LIFTED HIM UP AND PINNED HIM AGAINST THE ORNATELY-DECORATED CEILING WITH THE HEAD OF MY CAREFULLY MANUEVERED CERVIX CRUSADER. AS I WATCHED ALL HOPE DISSAPPEAR FROM HIS GRIEF-STRICKEN FACE, I BESPATTERED HIM WITH A DELUGE OF MASTERFULLY SPREAD MANJUICE, DROWNING HIM IN MY RICH PROTEIN SHAKE AND CORRUPTING HIS SOUL. THE COPIOUS AMOUNT OF CORN SYRUP RUSHING FORTH FROM MY PULSATING, POWER-PACKED PLACENTA POKER QUICKLY FLOODED MY STORE AND RAISED THE EARTH'S SEA LEVEL BY APPROXIMATELY 10 PERCENT. BILLIONS OF PEOPLE GASPED FOR AIR AS THEY DROWNED IN LEGIONS OF MY STIFLINGLY SUBSTANTIAL SEED, AND MANY YEARS AFTER THIS INCIDENT, THE BODY OF THE MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE HAS NOT BEEN RECOVERED. I GUARANTEE IT.

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. AT YOUR MOTHER'S FUNERAL CEREMONY I WAS BEGGED BY YOUR MOST ADORABLE LITTLE SISTER, NOT OLDER THAN SEVEN, TO REVIVE HER MOTHER. I INFORMED HER THAT SUCCESSFUL MEN NEVER DO GOOD DEEDS WITHOUT ANYTHING IN RETURN AND PROMPTLY PULLED DOWN THE PANTALOONS OF MY INCREDIBLY DAPPER SUIT TO REVEAL THE TILTING TOWER OF PISA. THE AWESOME MIGHT OF MY MANLY COUNTENANCE SLAMMED THE HELPLESS GIRL TO THE FLOOR AND SHE WAS LEFT TO THE WHIMS OF THE DASTARDLY DRAKE LEVIATHAN. I COULD BARELY PREVENT MY ORAL GLANDS FROM PRODUCING ENOUGH JUICE TO SUBMERGE THE CITY OF GOMORRAH AS MY SAUSAGE ENTERED THE BUBBLING CAULDRON FILLED WITH THE DELICIOUS SAUCES OF LEGENDARY LEPRECHAUN CHEFS. SIMULTANEOUS WITH MY BRUTAL STABBING OF THE SHE-DOG USING MY SHINING SNICKERSNEE, THE LITTLE PRINCESS CRIED DELIGHTFULLY LIKE A FIVE-DOLLAR HARLOT NAMED CANDY BEING RUN OVER BY A SEAVESSEL OF BURLY MEN IN AN UNHOLY DEN OF DEBAUCHERY. AT END, THE FAT LADY STARTED WARMING UP, AND THE GATES OF HEAVEN AND HELL UNLEASHED AN ENDLESS ARMY OF BRAVE WHITE-DRESSED WARRIORS. ALMOST LOSING MY SANITY TO THE HOLY SIGHT, MY IMPOSSIBLY MASSIVE MANHOOD EJACULATED A CRUCIAL STREAM OF MAN-ACORNS, THE FLOOD NOT STOPPING UNTIL I HAVING FILLED THE MISS' IMPREGNABLE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE WITH MORE PRISONERS THAN A LARGE-SCALE GENOCIDE COULD TAKE CARE OF. BEING A MAN OF HONOR, I TORE YOUR MOTHER'S WELL-ENDOWED CARCASE OUT OF THE CASKET AND FILLED HER DESERTED CAVES WITH THE GENEROUS PRODUCE OF MY FOUNTAIN OF LIFE. WHEN THE BLOATED DUMMY WAS FILLED, MY VIRILITY TOOK A BRIEF VACATION, AND THE DRIPPING CARRION ROSE TO AN ENDLESS LIFE OF UNDEATH. SHE LOYALLY SERVES MY COMPANY TO THIS DAY. I GUARANTEE IT.