please critque my story

>>2

>>1

Haibane Renmei



(Rakka's side)

Abandoned Factory 

Kuu's Game 

Change



By: Garrett Thomas (Anime Lover)
AIM: gamer4ever19



Disclaimer: I don't own Haibane Renmei this is just a work of fiction

< > = Thought

" " = Speech



-

(Old Home- Rakka's room/Guestroom)



(Rakka's in her room with Reki whose sitting at the table drinking some

tea and relaxing when Rakka asks a question)



"Hey Reki, can I ask you something?" asks Rakka. "Huh? Oh, uh sure

what's up?" replies Reki. "Can you take me to Abandoned Factory?" asks

Rakka. "You want to go to Abandoned Factory? Why?" asks Reki.

"Well I heard the others talking about it and I thought it would be nice

to go there, beside I'm around you guys too much. I'd like to meet other

Haibane too." replies Rakka. "Oh, I see, but... (Reki breaks eye contact

with Rakka) ...I can't take you." states Reki. "Why? What's wrong?" asks

Rakka. "It's nothing you should worry yourself over. Why don't you ask

Nemu, I'm sure she'd be happy to take you." replies Reki. "Well, OK, see

you later."



(Rakka leaves to go to the library to ask Nemu)



"Hi there Rakka, did you come to help again?" asks Nemu happy to see her

friend. "Oh no, I just can to ask you something." replies Rakka. "Oh?

What is it?" asks Nemu. I was wondering if you could take me to

Abandoned Factory." asks Rakka. "I'm sorry, but I've got to work late

today, why don't you ask Re-umm...Kuu, yea I'm sure Kuu would love to

take you." replies Nemu.

(On her way to Old Home Rakka meets Kuu on the road)



"Hi Rakka! You going back to Old Home?" asks Kuu. "Yea I was going there

to ask you something." states Rakka. "Really! What?" asks Kuu. "I asked

Reki and Nemu if they could take me to Abandoned Factory, Nemu had to

work late and Reki just said No, Nemu said you'd take me though." stated

Rakka. "Sure I'll take you, I have to right past there anyway." replies

Kuu. "Great! Thank you!" states Rakka happily. "No problem, what are

seniors for?" Replies Kuu.



(So Kuu leads Rakka to the bridge to AF)



"There should have been a sign here." states Rakka. "Huh? What'cha

mean?" asks Kuu. "I was on this bridge a few days ago enjoying the

view." says Rakka. (Kuu laughed and walked off leaving her friend on the

bridge) "Abandoned Factory is right down the road, ya can't miss it."

replies Kuu.



(Rakka makes her why to the Factory, and is surprised at the size of it)



"Wow! This place is huge! It sure doesn't look abandoned, that's for

sure."



(While Rakka was looking at the building he doesn't notice a female

figure walking slowly toward her, as if sneaking)



"Ya know, you really shouldn't stare at other peoples home like that."

states the unknown pig-tailed Haibane girl about a yard away, which

startles Rakka causing her to stumble back and trip-falling right on her

backside. "Owww! That hurt!" complains Rakka getting up rubbing her

butt. "You shouldn't sneak up on people like that!"

"He-he, sorry it looked too inviting. I didn't mean for you to fall

though, that must've really hurt. For some reason, the rocks on the

ground here are really sharp." states the girl. "Yea I think I figured

that out." replies Rakka. "I wouldn't be surprised if your bleeding."

states the girl. "What! Bleeding! I can't have my butt bleeding, I don't

we-...um." Rakka stops herself. "Don't what?" asks the girl guessing the

answer. "Umm..." is all Rakka manages to say before her face gets red.

"Ya know, your cute when you blush." states the girl.



(At that remark, Rakka giggles a little before turning her body to the

side slightly, but it was enough for the other girl to see a small red

stain on the back lower portion of her dress.)



"Um, don't panic but your butt does seem to be bleeding." states the

unknown girl. "Huh!" says Rakka as she looks to confirm what to girl

said and sure enough there was a red spot on the backside of her dress.

"Oh no, this can't be happening!" says Rakka beginning to panic. "Relax,

I said don't panic. My name is Midori, I got some stuff to help you in

my room in Abandoned Factory, come on." states Midori.



(Midori leads Rakka to her room and tells her to take off her dress

while she goes to get a towel. When she returns she sees Rakka still in

her dress.)



What are you still dong in that dress? Take it off so I can wash it."

states Midori. "Well, it's just...(Rakka starts to blush) I...Uh...don't

w-Wear underwear?" Midori says finishing Rakka's sentence. (Rakka looks

to the floor while her blush spreads on her face.) "Um...yea." (Deep

sigh) "Did I make it that obvious?" asks Rakka. "Heh, yea when you

suddenly stop yourself. Listen, it doesn't bother me if don't have

underwear on you just need to get that dress off so I can wash it."

states Midori. ".... OK, but can you look the other way?" asks Rakka.

(Midori sighs heavily, but a moment later gets an idea. She goes too her

door and locks it then returns to Rakka and begins to undress.)



"W-What are you doing? Asks Rakka surprised at Midori's action. "What

does it look like I'm doing? I'm undressing." replies Midori. "But....

why? States Rakka, it was clear that Midori's action was affecting her.

"Well, if I don't have any clothes on it should make it easier for you

to take your dress off. Besides, I don't have a problem being naked in

front of another girl." states Midori. "But I don't see how..." trails

Rakka as she gets a familiar feeling.



(A few moments later Midori poses her nude form in front of Rakka whose

now blushing for a different reason.)



"Ah...so, feel any different?" asks Midori. <Yea, but probably not the

way you think. > Thinks Rakka. "Hey! Earth to Rakka, come in!" -giggle-

"Hey I know I know I look good but it's rude to stare." states Midori as

a slight blush appears on her cheeks. "Huh! Oh I'm sorry." states Rakka.

(Midori notices a small puddle of liquid between Rakka's feet)



"Hey what's this?" states Midori as she squats down and puts her finger

in the liquid and smells it. "I Know that smell." states Midori to

herself.



(Midori looks at Rakka where more drops seemed to have "followed" her,

Midori realizes what's happened and a deep blush appears and her

cheeks.)

"Aww, how sweet!" states Midori. "W-What are you talking about? Asks

Rakka not really wanting an answer. "Come on now, are you trying to say

(Midori pins Rakka's right foot down with her left hand and quickly but

gently uses her right to go under Rakka's dress and rubs the smooth, wet

area between Rakka's leg's, making her gasp loudly and stiffen) that

this (Midori removes both her hands from Rakka and rises back to her

feet, and shows Rakka her fingers) isn't coming from you?" asks Midori.

(With a slight blush, Rakka regains her composer enough to put her right

hand on Midori's left shoulder, and with her voice shaking a bit spoke

in the pig-tailed girl's right ear) "C-can you...do th-that again?"

asked Rakka. "So she likes!" exclaims Midori happily. "If you want a

second and better helping you're going to have to take that dress off."



(Rakka hurriedly attempts to take off her dress but has a bit of trouble

getting her wings out, but with a little "rubbing encouragement" from

Midori Rakka was out of the dress, and tossed it to the side, while

getting Rakka's dress off was her plan, Midori didn't want to just leave

Rakka in the state she was so....)



"There doesn't that feel better?" asks Midori. "Yes, much." (Midori

starts rubbing her back near the base of her wings when suddenly Rakka

starts laughing) "S-stop that! It t-tickles!" states Rakka laughing.

"You too huh?" asked Midori. "What? Your ticklish there too?" Rakka asks

back. "Heh, most Haibane are sensitive by the base of there wings. Some

feel a ticklish sensation, some feel a pleasurable one, but I've also

learned about a month ago that some peel a sharp pain." Explains Midori.

"Really? Which of the three are you?" asks Rakka with a grin. "Heh,

wouldn't you like to know!" states Midori smiling. "...But enough

talking, where were we?" "Well, you were rubbing my back when I started

laughing." Replies Rakka. "Well it looks like I'll just have to avoid

touching that part of your back. I can't have you laughing while your

moaning my name can I?" States Midori.



(Rakka giggles lightly at Midori's statement as she lends and lays Rakka

on her bed, and doesn't notice there isn't a drop of blood on her bed

from Rakka's 'injured' behind. Midori begins to message Rakka's breasts

but she stops her.)



 "No Midori" says Rakka. "Huh? What's wrong doesn't it feel good?" asked

Midori. "Yes, it does, but I was hoping that you would--uh--touch me

again?" states Rakka with a slight blush. (Midori smiles) "Of course, I

understand." Replies Midori as she lowers herself between Rakka's legs

and gazes at her young hairless womanhood.

(Midori begins by using her pointer, middle, and ring finger to rub

Rakka's spot from her clit downwards and then back up. Rakka shudders

from this action which Midori repeats three more times before using her

tongue to lick the juices coming from Rakka, an action that almost sends

her over the edge as she quietly moans Midori's name, which puts a smile

on her face.)



"Wow, your quite sensitive aren't you?" asks Midori. "Y-yes, I am. It

never feels the same when I use my fingers, so I have someone else-

Really? Someone else? So you're not new at this? Asks Midori cutting

Rakka off. (Midori doesn't give Rakka a chance to reply as she sticks

four fingers in her and starts to move them one after another in a

rhythm.

(Midori's action sends Rakka over the edge as her orgasm hits, splashing

Midori in her cum. Her eyes are tightly closed with her mouth open as if

trying to scream but nothing but a few gasps come out. As for Midori's

hand, well even if she wanted to she wouldn't be able too get it out.

While Rakka is writhing in pleasure continues to move her finger until

she hits something like a wall and instantly realizes what she's run

into. As Rakka comes down from her pleasure cloud Midori pulls her hand

out completely drenched in Rakka's cum. She licks the sweet juice from

her hand and upon finishing, speaks into Rakka's ear.)



 "Rakka I see that you haven't broken It." States Midori. "Broken what?"

asks Rakka. (Midori smiles and gently rubs the right side of Rakka's

face with her left hand) "Rakka, this might hurt a little." States

Midori. "Huh! W-what are you talking about!" states Rakka starting to

panic. "Don't worry it will be over before you know it trust me." Says

Midori trying to calm Rakka. "Well, OK"



(With that Midori begin to give Rakka a deep kiss as she begins to

caress her right hand down Rakka's body to her wet sex. She slips her

hand in as far as it will go before hitting the expected wall, Midori

ends there kiss as she focus' on Rakka's left breast with her mouth,

licking and sucking on her hardened nipples, while pumping her hand in

and out of Rakka before forcefully jabbing her hand in braking the wall

causing Rakka to stiffen from the sudden pain. As Midori removed her

hand Rakka placed both of her hands to her crotch and rubbed the

lingering pain away.)

"Oww! That hurt!" states Rakka. "Sorry, but now all you'll feel is a

better pleasure than before." States Midori as she smiles reassuringly.



(Rakka moans softly at Midori's statement as she stops rubbing and looks

at her hand and is shocked at what she sees.)



"Huh! I'm bleeding?! What the heck do you do to me!" States Rakka

beginning to panic. "Relax, all I did was break your hymen." Replies

Midori. "My what! That sounds important!" states Rakka. "It's not

really, it's like a thin wall that's inside you. Trust me it's not that

important." states Midori. "Hmm, well, I'm done for now, I have to get

back to Old Home before it gets to late." Replies Rakka. Really? Have

you forgot the reason our in my room? Asks Midori as she gets off the

bed and examines Rakka's dress. "Oh yeah." Replies Rakka



(Midori looks at the dried "blood")



"Hey! This dried stuff isn't blood, it's"



(Rakka suddenly remembers what she put in her back pocket.)



"Ketchup!" states Midori removing a busted pack of ketchup. "Heh, I must

have put that there by accident." States Rakka. "By accident? How do you

PUT some ketchup in your pocket by accident?" asks Midori. "Well, it

looks like you'll be spending the night."



(Meanwhile back at Old Home- in the guestroom)

"Have you two seen Rakka lately?" asks Reki to Hikari and Nemu. "Now

that you mention it I haven't seen her since this morning. I hope she's

OK." Replies Hikari. Well, she came by the library today and asked me to

take her to Abandoned Factory, but I couldn't since I had to work late,

so I told her to ask Kuu." Replies Nemu. "Where's Kuu now? Asks Reki.

"She's in her room with Kana." Replies Hikari. "OK, I'll go there."

Replies Reki leaving. "Kana and Kuu have been hanging around each other

a lot lately, I wonder what's up." States Nemu. (Hikari then blushes as

she attempts to look puzzled like Nemu.)



(Reki knocks on Kuu's door) "Kuu you there?" asks Reki through the door.

"Um, yea hold on a minute." answers Kuu. (Reki could here Kuu say

something else.) "Hey, cut it out! Reki's right outside!" (Reki waited a

moment before attempting to open the door when Kana opened the door to

leave Kuu's Room) "Hey Reki." greets Kana. "She's all yours!" "Huh?"

replies Reki raising an eyebrow. (Kana laughs and walks off) -sighs-

"Whatever." says Reki to herself as she walks into Kuu's room. (Kuu's

laying on her bed in a long shirt she's using as PJ's looking quite

relaxed.) "So, what do you want?" asks Kuu. "Well I wanted to know have

you seen Rakka." states Reki. "Rakka? Yea, I've seen her. I took her to

Abandoned Factory and she's been there as far as I know." replies Kuu.

"Oh, OK, well that eases my worry some." states Reki as she notices a

smell, which seemed to get stronger as she went closer to Kuu. The smell

prompted Reki to ask another question. "Kuu, what were you and Kana

doing in here?" asks Reki. "I could tell you but I'd much rather like to

show you." replies Kuu as she sits up on her bed with her legs crossed.

"Huh? Show me?" asks Reki. "Yea, it'll be fun! Come on sit on the bed

and close your eyes." states Kuu.

 

(Reluctantly Reki complied and sat down on her bed and closed her eyes)



"Reki, I'm going to take your right hand and have you touch something

and I want you to guess what it is OK?" states Kuu. "Huh? What does this

have to do with me wanting to know what you to were doing?" asks Reki as

she opens her eyes. "Awww, come on, you'll like it!" pleads Kuu "I'll

like it? What's take supposed to mean?" asks Reki. "Please!" (Reki sighs

heavily before replying) "OK fine. But I better like it"

(Just before Reki Re-closes her eyes she notices something on Kuu's

forehead.)



"What a minute." states Reki as she gets up and moves the small blonde

bangs from Kuu's forehead. "Whoa! What happened to your head!" asks

Reki. "Nothing, I just got hit by an opening door, but it doesn't hurt

that much any more." states Kuu rubbing her head lightly. "But never

mind about me, get back on the bed"



(Reki re-closed her eyes as Kuu picked up her right hand and place it on

the first thing to be described. It was long, straight and had a slight

dampness to it, but Reki immediately knew what she was touching and

quickly became annoyed.) "Kuu I'm not stupid that your hair." stated

Reki. "Heh, I wanted to give you a freebie, but I'll be for real now."

replies Kuu. (After her statement Kuu and some rustling sound Reki

couldn't quite make out and after a few seconds Kuu picked up Reki's

hand again and placed it on something soft) "What's that? It's kinda

flat except for a bump, and smooth." (Reki begins to rub her pointer and

middle finger up and down and feels a hard bar-like object under the

unknown object she was feeling. Reki suddenly gets an idea what she may

be touching and asks Kuu a question.) " Kuu would you mind if I use my

other hand?" asks Reki. "By all means do." replies Kuu. (Kuu's response

adds some validity to what Reki's thinking she's feeling as she uses her

other hand to confirm what she feeling as she feels the same thing and

hears Kuu let out a low moan. Reki opens her eyes at this and sees Kuu

stark naked in front of her.) "W-what the!" exclaims Reki. "I'm going to

show you what me and Kana were doing!" exclaims Kuu as she tackles Reki

to the bed. Then she notices Reki grinning from below her.

(Next Day - Abandoned Factory - Midori's room)



(Midori returns to her room after washing Rakka's dress to see her not

on the bed, so she checks the bathroom to see Rakka looking frustrated,

brushing her hair, then sees her hair quickly pop up after she brushes

once, as if here hair was attracted to her halo. Midori busts out

laughing at the sight.) "Huh? Hey, don't laugh! This isn't funny!"

states a frustrated Rakka. -Giggling- "Yes it is! What's -up- with your

hair?" asks Midori as she laughs at her little joke. "Nothing, it's this

stupid halo, Hikari cooked a pancake in the halo mold before making my

halo." explains Rakka. "Really? Well, your dress is clean but it's still

a bit damp, so you came wear some of my clothes until it's dry." states

Midori. (Rakka gets a pair of blue jeans and a white T-shirt.) "These

pants are too tight, they make my butt stand out." complains Rakka.

"They're made like that, besides I don't have any extra belts and those

pants are the only ones here that you can fit. Besides you have a cute

butt anyway why not show it." states Midori as she rubs her behind

through the jeans. "Not now, I have to get back to Old Home, Reki and

the others must be worried about wear I am." replies Rakka. "Fine, but

I'm going with you." states Midori.



(Rakka and Midori leave Abandoned Factory and meet Nemu on her way to

her job at the library)

"Hey Midori, Rakka, What happen to your dress?" asks Nemu. "Oh, uh, it

got dirty and Midori washed it for me. She let me borrow some of her

clothes, but I don't really like the pants, there too tight." replies

Rakka. "Well from the looks of them there made like that." replies Nemu.

"I told her the same thing before we left. Besides doesn't she look

cute?" states Midori as she hugs Rakka from behind, causing Rakka to

blush and Nemu to raise her brow a moment at Midori's action. "Heh, yea

she does. I have to get going, see you later." replies Nemu as she walks

off to the library. "O-oh, OK, see you later." replies Rakka with Midori

still around her. "Um, you can let go now." states Rakka. "I don't

wanna!" giggles Midori. "How are we going to get to Old Home with you

around me?" asks Rakka. "I don't see what's stopping you." replies

Midori. "You can't be serious! You want me to walk while you have your

arms around me?!" asks Rakka. "Don't worry, I'll let go while we walk."

replies Midori. -Sighs deeply- "All right." states Rakka as she begins

to walk with Midori.



(After a few minutes and a couple stares Midori eventually lets go of

Rakka whose face is a deep red. They reach Old Home and proceed into

Rakka's room)

"Whoa! This room is huge! Is this really your room?" asks Midori. "Well

it's actually a guestroom but I'm using it as my room, but I'm going to

look for a smaller one soon though." replies Rakka. "Are you crazy! This

is THE room! I wouldn't trade this for anything, it's got a kitchen and

a balcony. Why in the world would you want a smaller one?" asks Midori.

"Well, it's because it's so big. I don't need all this room." replies

Rakka as she stretches out her arms. "Well it's your loss." states

Midori with a smirk. "Anyway why don't you go make some tea or something

while I go talk to Reki." asks Rakka. "Why don't you stay and we can

make a 'special tea'." asks Midori as she moves behind Rakka and cups

her right hand on the crotch of Rakka's jeans.



"B-but I should real-Ah!" (Rakka feels Midori starting to rub the jeans

against the sensitive skin between her legs) "Really tell Reki that I'm,

Ah, OK... S-she must b-be w-w-worried." Rakka staggers out as she tenses

up and Midori feels a slight vibration from Rakka's crotch. < Did She

just come? > Thinks Midori as Rakka momentarily goes limp in Midori's

hold. "Rakka is that the reason you don't were underwear?" asks Midori

with a grin. (Rakka doesn't respond) "Hey!" states Midori as she rubs

her hand against Rakka's crotch more forcefully than before, forcing a

response from her. "Yes! Yes It is." response Rakka quickly.

(Midori gently rubs Rakka again and removes her hand and looks at it)

"Man, you've soaked those jeans didn't you? Some of your cum has seeped

through the fabric and onto my hand." states Midori as she likes some

off her finger. "Mmmm, you taste good.  Here, why don't you have some?"

states Midori as she offers her hand to Rakka, who just looks at her

hand. " Come on, you like it." states Midori as she waves her hand in

front of Rakka, who still just looks, then Midori gets an idea. "I get

it you want it fresh from the source don't you? Well, I'm sure you're

just dying to get those pants off." states Midori as she kneels down in

front of her.



(Midori unbuttons and pulls down the jeans and Rakka shudders from the

air hitting her wet crotch.) "Whoa, your totally soaked! It's running

down the inside of your legs." States Midori. (Midori cups the area

between her legs and stands straight up again with her hand still on

Rakka, then inserts her middle and ring fingers into her slightly as she

slowly removes her hands, making Rakka moan slightly. (Midori's hand is

now covered in much more cum than it was previously, and she once again

offers her hand in front of Rakka's face. Rakka hesitates before slowly

licking Midori's hand, then Rakka lightly grabs Midori's wrist as she

continues to lick while she closes her eyes.)



"See, it's good isn't it?" asks Midori. "Yes it is." replies Rakka as

she opens her eyes and Midori sees something not quite right with them-

they seem to be glazed over, but not all the way. (Rakka finishes with

Midori's hand.) "Let's go to the bed." states Rakka. "Gladly let me just

take these clothes off." replies Midori as she begins to removes her

clothes while Rakka watches. "Lay down." orders Rakka. What's with the

voice?" asks Midori with a smirk. "Don't worry about it. You've been

making Rakka feel good all last night without letting her return the

favor, so now she will." replies Rakka. (Midori's puzzled at why Rakka

is speaking in the third person but quickly dismisses the thought from

her mind) "Well I want stop you then." replies Midori as she lay back on

her back.

(Rakka climbs over Midori and begins to give her a deep kiss and Midori

starts playing with her breasts through Rakka's shirt causing her to

stop and remove Midori's hands.) "Rakka's giving you pleasure right now,

don't worry about me, you just sit back and enjoy." states Rakka. "But-

Just keep your hands to yourself OK?" says Rakka cutting Midori off.

"OK." (Rakka kisses Midori before moving downward to her neck as she

begins to lick and suck the area.) "Mmmmm, that feels good." states

Midori. (Rakka doesn't reply as she continues south to her collarbone

and begins to place light kisses along the length of it then repeats the

action with her tongue and using her right hand to gently caress the

other one.)



"Your going so slow, but it feels so good! If you keep this up I might

come before you even get to your destination." replies Midori. (Midori's

statement causes a smile to cross Rakka's face, before continuing

downward to her right breast, sucking on it while using her right hand

to play with the other one.) "Ohhh, this is great! How did you get this

good?" asks Midori as she gets that familiar feeling in her stomach.

"Reki." is all Rakka responds with, as she moves down to her stomach.

(Rakka kisses her stomach once before using her tongue to lick various

areas of her belly, while using her right hand to caress her left thigh

as she fondles her right breast with the other hand.)



"Reki? You mean you two are.... (Midori's cut off as her orgasm robs her

of her speech and movement as her body locks up. Rakka hungrily licks at

Midori's cum flowing slit, causing her orgasm to increase in intensity.

Though all the great feeling that where coursing through hr body Midori

was a little surprised when se felt another orgasm quickly building

trough the one she was currently experiencing.)

(Up in Reki's room)



(Reki is laying down on her bed -the top bunk- thinking about last night

with Kuu when she suddenly hears a loud scream from downstairs.) "What

the hell! That sounded like it come from Rakka's room." States Reki as

she hops off her bed and rushes downstairs.



(Back in Rakka's room)



"It would seem it was to much for you. But your body seems to be going

strong." states Rakka to Midori whose passed out with cum still coming

from her. (Rakka begins to lap at her slit) "Mmmm, you taste much better

than Rakka does." states Rakka as she continues.



(Reki then bursts into the room)



"What's going on?" What happened down here? huh?" (Reki notices Rakka

sitting on her bed) "Rakka? What are you... (Reki notices someone's leg

to the left and right of where Rakka's sitting.) "Oh my!" says Reki as

she walks to the side of the bed and is somewhat shocked to see Midori

unconscious on the bed. "Oh hi, Reki." greets Rakka. "Rakka your

completely soaked." (Reki begins to smile) "You were out just like that

our first time together, remember?" asks Reki. "Yep, Rakka remembers."

replies Rakka. (Reki laughs once before speaking.) "Mind if I join you

guys? She should be coming around in a bit." asks Reki. "Not at all!

Rakka would love it you joined, be it's Rakka's turn now."



End of

Abandoned Factory 

Kuu's Game 

Change

So what do you think?

i think you should get a life

Drawing a hentai pic would be easier than all this shit.

GB2/fanfiction.net
 OH WAI-

Sounds great, post pics

wow, this is really bad

i used to like yuri, but this story ruined it for me

now i'm going to be the other gay

YAY, YAOI!

Bump because