South Park - The Shitty Resistance (Part 1)

Time for another South Park fan episode! Enjoy!



Opening scene on the three South Park kids at the bus stop. Nobody says anything for a loong while. The bus finally arrives, they get on, and the bus drives away, leaving the bus stop empty.

Meanwhile, at Stan’s new school, things are shit. No, actual excrement. Stan can't fit in anywhere because he's just too disgusted. On his way to the local pier, he starts singing a sad song about how everything's shit, but soon enough all he can sing is shit, so he just sighs a low sigh and sits down at the edge, staring at the water.
An adult stranger stops by him. ”Hey, kid. You look really down. What's the matter?” He sits down next to Stan.
”Oh, you wouldn't understand. It's just that recently, everything's been turning to, well, shit.”
”Oh?”
”Yeah. All this new stuff. All the clothes, all the music, all the attitudes of kids these days, I just can't stand it.”
”Really?”
”I used to have friends. Really good friends, who stood by me, but it seems the shit got to them too, and now I just don't know what to do.”
”Yeah, I know how you feel.”
”No, you don't. Nobody can possibly understand what it's like to walk around facing excrement everywhere you turn.” Then Stan’s eyes grow wide with realisation. ”HEY!”, he exclaims. ”How come YOU're not a pile of shit?!”
”That's because I'm just like you. What was your name again?”
”Stan. So you can see it too?”
”Of course I can. The whole town's been infected, and now it's all gone to shit! Look, Stan, there's still a few of us left who can see the shit for what it really is. We're kind of a secret resistance, if you will. I think you need to meet with the rest of us, become you succumb to the shit as well.”
”I will NEVER succumb to this shit!”, Stan exclaims.
”That's the spirit. Here.” The man hands Stan a business card. ”Come to this address tomorrow night, and don't tell nobody you spoke to me.”
Stan looks at the business card with a new-found joy in his life.

Meanwhile, in South Park, the kids are attending class, while the teacher is heard explaining shit. The kids pay attention, as farts give way to normal stool with the occasional diarrhea. Some of the kids still have traces of shit around their mouths.

As night-time comes, Stan arrives at the address, card in hand. ”This is it.” He boldly enters the dark alley and knocks on the door. The man he met before opens it.
”Oh, good! I'm glad you could join us.”
”This better not be a set-up.”, Stan warns them.
”Of course not. Please, come in!”
Stan steps inside, and is greeted by four men in total, and a boy his age, all wearing really silly formal attire with large ribbons.
”Welcome to the Shitty Resistance, Stan. Well, what's left of us anyway.”
”Uhm, hi. I'm Stan. I just moved here from South Park. I tried to get away from all the shit in my town, but it's really just the same everywhere, isn't it?”
”Pleased to meet you, Stan.” is the general consensus of the group.
”Now would somebody please tell me what's going on? What's with all the shit everywhere?”
”Well, it's a long story, Stan. Why don't you make yourself comfortable while I get the slides.”

At the playground, the kids are kicking shit around, and sliding down the hill on a big piece of shit, while talking shit, merrily spurting it all over each others faces, all while the music from 2girls1finger is played.

Stan is paying attention on the long slide show.
”You see, Stan: Historic documents can trace this shit all the way back to the late 15th century, when Christopher Columbus first sets foot on America in 1492. Upon returning back to England, all he could say was ”Oh my good, oh my good, there's shit absolutely everywhere. It's like as if a whale took a crap in the middle of the Atlantic ocean, and somehow I managed to step in it.”. However, despite Columbus and the later explorers making it clear to the queen that it was completely unsuitable for anyone to live on this huge pile of shit, she thought that this would be an excellent opportunity to get rid of all the criminals and traitors that was stocking up her jails, so during the following century she sent shipment after shipment over here. When the first shipments refused to go to shore, and did mutiny of her ships, the queen, devious and cunning as she was, consorted with the finest minds of the land, inventing a system of feeding her subjects with a propaganda that she called ”sensitivity training” - a medieval form of brainwashing that was later on masterfully refined through the centuries. Being taught ”tolerance” and ”open-mindedness” at an early age, would psychologically condition our minds into believing that what we saw wasn't really shit, but an actual new country, and she ruled that every media would censor and distort the truth, portraying America as an awesome paradise where all our hopes and dreams would come true: 'The land of the free.' What a load of crap! Of course, this meant not only covering up the increasing alarming reports from other countries, but also labelling the smell as ”the smell of freedom” and such. Now, in 1939, the treaty of...”

Meanwhile, in South Park, the kids are having lunch, hungrily eating shit with a side of shit, drinking out of a milk carton with the label ”Shit – it's good for you”. Kenny pukes into his tray, but that doesn't stop him from continuing eating his own vomit-drenched shit.

Stan is still watching the slides in horror.
”So you see, Stan: It's actually all one big pile of shit. ALL of it. ...and now it's slowly turning us into shit as well, and when it's done consuming us, some of us will probably move abroad, and spread the shit over there, and soon enough the entire globe will be nothing but shit.”
Stan, appalled at these words: ”But that's HORRIBLE! We need to do something!”
There's confused silence among the Shitty Resistance, the members looking at each other with bewilderment. ”Like... ...what, Stan?”
”I don't know, but we can't just let the whole world turn to shit like this! Isn't there a cure?”
”Well... yeah! We all suffer from constipation, so as long as we don't shit, at least we'll be okay. It's not comfortable, but it's better than turning into shit, I guess.”
”Really?!” Stan can't believe his ears.
”Yeah, but we already tried to tell people this, but they just won't listen to us, because they're already too full of shit.” The resistance seems to have utterly given up. ”I... I guess... ...we're doomed. ...Stan.”
”NO!”, Stan exclaims in fury. ”I am NOT going to let it end like this! I'm not going to just stand by and watch it all turn to SHIT!”
”What do you mean, Stan?” ”Yeah, what are you going to do about it?”
”You'll see! Maybe I won't be able to save America, but I can still save the world!” Stan, full of typical Stan determination, leaves the hideout on a mission.
The resistance is left silent, until one of the men tells the boy: ”You better go with him, Andrew. He might be the hero that we've all been waiting for.”

Meanwhile, in South Park, the three kids are playing outside of Cartmans house, driving shit around on the ground, while making shit noises. Cartman is playing with a turd with a ladder on top, so it resembles a shit fire-truck. Cartman's mom opens the door, holding a tray of little shit cookies. ”Hi, children. I've made you some cookies if you want.”
The kids are overjoyed, gathering around. ”All right!”

To a serious action tune, Stan is seen buying supplies from the local supply store, that he adds to a red cart, Andrew, still sporting his silly ribbon attire, looking on through the window of the store in the background. Then, under the cover of night, be breaks into an industrial backyard for some more supplies, Andrew standing guard outside the fence. The cart looks filled to the brim by now by all kinds of stuff.
Andrew looks clueless: ”So... ...NOW what?”
Stan answers with sinister determination: ”Now, we're going to go back to where it all began. Now we're heading back to South Park.”

End of Part 1.

PART 2 – THE RETURN OF STAN

Close up on Stan's determined face out while his voice is heard – during the zooming out we see that Stan is sitting in the furthest backseat on a long distance bus, wearing a gray sports sweater, together with his blonde, ribbon-wearing companion Andrew:
“One of the most important insights is that everything is shit. Everything takes an intellectual system, a product of one or more inventors, and says: 'This shit must be awesome.' Inevitably, reality ends up contradicting the system, usually on a growing number of points. But the shit, by its nature, cannot adjust to reality; to do so would be to abandon the system.
My name is Stan. This is my story.”
When the speech is over, the bus arrives, and they get off together with the packed cart. Stan makes a grimace at the stench, but endures it, and starts walking, dragging the cart behind him without saying a word, along a street littered with puddles of shit.

Meanwhile, the three South Park boys are walking down the street, “having a gay old time”.
Cartman: “...and then *I* said 'That's what *she* said.'!”
The three guys burst out in happy laughter.
Then they spot something coming down the road.
Kyle: “Oh no! What's *he* doing here?”
Cartman: “Quick, everyone! Hide in this alley!”
The kids ducks into the alley, that has no hiding places, while the sounds of a sqeeky cart approaches. Sure enough, it's Stan and Andrew. Arriving at the alley, Stan just turns his head and looks at them. Cornered, they look back.
There's a short moment of cornered silence.
Stan gives them an disappointed, accusing stare: “Really?”
There's another moment of cornered silence.
Then Stan just sighs, pulls up the hood of his sports sweater, and continues down the road while staring at the pavement.
Cartman (whispering): “Alright. He's gone. Looks like the coast is clear, guys.”
Kyle looks a little ashamed over what they just did.

While walking, Stan talks to Andrew with a sort of bitter apathy in his voice: “You know, the guys back there used to be my friends. I was always there for them, I used to get them out of a lot of trouble, and this is how they repay me. That's negationism for you.”
Andrew: “Negationism?”
Stan: “Yeah, I've been revised. They've revisioned our history together, to deny the truth and embrace the lie. When they broke the Status Quo, they didn't just turn me into a stranger in South Park. In their minds, it's as if our time together never existed.”
The two boys arrive at a fenced off secluded area next to the South Park town hall.
Stan: “Well, here we are. I guess you didn't follow me all the way to South Park to keep me company, but to keep an eye on things and help me out, so you might as well make yourself useful. Help me get the tools of the cart, and be careful with the citric acid. It will sting if it gets in your eyes.”
“What is it all for?”, Andrew wonders.
“Well, Andrew, how much do you know about fertilizer bombs?”
Andrew: “Fertility bombs?”
Stan: “Never mind. Just be careful with the stuff, alright?”
Andrew helps Stan the best he can in his project.
Andrew: “How come you know so much?”
Stan: “Well, I paid attention in chemistry class, and during my isolation all I had time for was brushing up on the things I learned in school. It used to be the last bastion against the shit, but now, with the liberal arts, sociology and multiculturalism taking more space on the curriculum than our nations history, it became destined to fall.”
Andrew (looking more clueless than Butters): “Oh.”
Stan: “...and then the school system becomes under siege from shit, there really is no way out. There is no solution. John F. Kennedy once said, that 'those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable', so now we have reached the end of the line.”
Stan has now finished building a typical lever operated detonator, and grabs the attached wires.
Stan: “To answer your question: In laymans terms, a fertilizer bomb uses a volume of fertilizer as an explosive. In this case...” Stan connects the wires directly into the ground. ”...it's *all* shit.”
Andrew: “What do you mean? Are you going to blow up South Park?”
Stan turns to Andrew: “No, Andrew. I'm not going to blow up South Park. I'm going to blow up America.”
Andrew gasps: “The whole America? That's a lot of people!”
Stan: “I think it was Optimus Prime who once said 'The needs of the many outweighs the needs of the few.', Andrew. Sometimes personal sacrifice is necessary to save the rest of the world.”
Stan positions himself with both hands on the detonator. “Well, South Park, it's been a lot of wonderful years, but it all ends now. Farewell, and may you rest in peace.” Stan braces to push the detonator.
Then he hesitates. He tries to brace himself, but he just can't do it.
“Aw, damn it.”, he says, taking his hands off the detonator. “Look, Andrew: There's something I gotta do first. I've always set things straight, and I'm not going to stop now. Keep an eye on the bomb for me, and if I don't come back, you know what you have to do.”

Kyle and Kenny are playing video-games at Kyle's place, as evident from the shit flying from the screen, showering them all in poo. Cartman is watching.
“Woah! This 3D is some really sick shit!”, Kyle exclaims. “Just look at this!”
Another wave of shit sprays them from the TV screen.
“Wooaah!”
There's a knock on the door.
Kyle: “Would you get that, Cartman?”
Cartman: “I'm busy. Why don't you get it?”
There's another knock.
Kyle: “Cartman, answer the door.”
Cartman: “Fine.”
Opening the door reveals Stan in the hooded sweater.
Cartman, taken aback at first, answers: “Yees? What can I do for you, young man?”
Stan: “Hi, Cartman. I'd like to speak to Kyle.”
Cartman shouting back: “Hey, Kyle! There's a stranger at the door that looks like a homeless guy, and he says he wants to talk to you.”
Kyle, looks at Stan at the door and then back at the screen: “No, my mom told me never to speak to strangers.”
Cartman: “Yeah, Stan. I thought we told you to get lost! Kyle's MY jew now.”
Stan enters: “Look, Kyle, I'm not here to reconcile with you guys. If you want to play around with feces, then that's what you have chosen to do. I just want five minutes of your time and then I'll be out of your lives forever, okay?“
Kyle hesitates. “Fine! Five minutes! We'll put up with you for five minutes. That's it!”
Stan: “You see guys, I've learned something today. The essence of multiculturalism is that all cultures and religions are 'equal'. In this context our government has launched a great 'campaign of deception' against their own people with the goal of creating a falsified version of our civilisation and shit, in order to make them appear equal. According to them, this is needed in order to successfully implement multiculturalism. However, the US’s founders recognised three primal values in the Declaration of Independence, and they ranked them properly: Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. If the order of these fundamental human rights is switched – with happiness before liberty, or liberty before life – we come to moral chaos and social anarchy.“
Kyle: “What the hell are you talking about?”
Stan: “I'm saying that what I see as shit, is in fact the whole original continent, as is proven by the fact that shit has existed since long before our current culture, and that if we fail to rise up against it, it will completely overrun us.” While Stan is saying this, small particles of shit begins to spew from his mouth. Stan is just noticing this to his surprise. “I- I mean what you're using is a series of coping techniques to maintain what is known as negationism.” Stan's speech is interrupted by him suddenly blowing a chunk of shit from his mouth. “Oh my god! What's happening to me?!”
Kyle: “Eww! That's fucking gross!”
Stan: “It's the shit! It's gotten to me too!”
The kids looks on in bewilderment.
Stan: “But if what I'm saying now is just shit as well, then...” Stan turns to the guys. “Well, sorry about that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a WMD to dismantle.”
Kyle: “A WHAT?”
Stan: “It's a long, shitty story.”
Kyle: “I'm coming with you.”
Cartman: “Hey! Where are you going?! I thought we told him to get lost! … Dammit!”

The four kids arrive at the yard where the detonator is.
Stan (to Andrew): “Hi, Andrew. Look, there's been a change of plans. We're not really blowing up America any more.”
Andrew: “We're not?”
Stan: “No, you see, it may be shit to us, but what sounds like shit to one guy, may not be shit to another guy. We're all as much full of shit. We just don't see it.”
Man: “That sounds like cultural relativism to me!”
The Shitty Resistance has arrived on the scene, ganging up with Andrew.
Resistance leader: “So it finally got to you too, huh? We had so high hopes for you, Stan, for it is said that a hero will come, that will find inspiration in his heart to rise up against the shit, and finally end it, but we now understand that you were only given to us as the tool for the REAL hero. It was never you, Stan. It was Andrew all along.”
Andrew (surprised): “Me?”
Resistance leader: “Yes, you! This is the time that you've been waiting for, Andrew. This is your time to blow shit up!”
Stan: “Don't do it, Andrew!”
Andrew: “No, I actually understand now. It's like Optimus Prime once told me: 'The needs of the many outweighs the needs of the few.'”
With those words Andrew pushes the detonator to the WMD.
Nothing happens.
Resistance leader: “Aww shit! Something must have gone wrong with the bomb!”
Stan: “That's because it doesn't work if America is not actually made of shit. Without actual shit, there's no bomb.”
Resistance leader: “Without shit, huh? Well, it appears you've forgotten that we've held our shit for DECADES. We're all FULL of the stuff.” He turns to Andrew: “Andrew! Put the wires up my ass.”
Stan: “He going to do it! Run for it!”
The guys can't do anything but leg it, the blast wave sending them all flying.
When they come too, Kenny's dead, and there's a hole right through South Park city hall.

The End

I can't tell if I called it or if Parker and Trey just borrowed a scene, but the actual episode featured a resistance that claim that everything is ACTUALLY shit.
I can't tell if their or my story was better either - both had their moments. Drunken Matrix was awesome, but me fooling the reader into sympathizing with Breivik was awesome too.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT.

>>5
You wont get it if you're not old enough to remember the UNA-bomber. (Spoilers: Stan becomes the UNA-bomber.)

>>6
I think Parker and Trey missed a big opportunity here, because Stan was at his most cynical point at the end of last season, and ended up alone because of it, and being mature, cynical and alone is something that drove the UNA bomber to building his bombs. Stan would have surprised and tricked the audience by becoming a UNA bomber.

>>6 More like a obscure reference to some third word non-news.

>>8
Stan wears the same clothes as the classical UNA-bomber, and he's quoting both the UNA-bomber manifesto AND at the same time Breiviks manifesto.

You know what the best part of this thread is?

This thread has been removed from the search results on Google. (Sure, by chance you can find part of it attached to the search for the tele board, but no direct searches are listed.)

This is weird, because Google can list EVERY freaking thread ever posted on 4chan, UNLESS it gets complaints with attached court orders and such.

There can be two reasons for this: That this fanfic was somehow too much for the american GOVERNMENT to tolerate, which I take as a compliment. I'm not a faggot, and I might have gotten a terrorist watch list entry to prove it.

The other reason is more disturbing: I don't mind Parker & Trey borrowing stuff from my episode, because it's their show, and I'm "stealing" their "intellectual property" to begin with, but I do mind them trying to cover it up their plagiarism. I've written South Park fanfics here before, and only this one was removed from Google.