The Bible 2: Jesus Strikes Back

The Bible 2: Jesus Strikes Back

It is 1,000 years since the tribulation. Earth is a paradise. Until Jesus and his closes friend, a Bear named Bear are having lunch. God tells Jesus the fires of hell have been extinguished Jesus and Bear must investigate and Thor has agreed to come help them. When they get there they find the fires of hell out... the only tings keeping demons coming to earth so they search for Lucifer. In hell they meet a man who claims to be Jesus's half-brother James; he has strange powers similar to Jesus.

As they leave hell a dark figure is following them he throws a dart but Thor is able to smack it out of the air. This shadowy figure is revealed to be Judas and he forced Bruce lee to teach him and some demons Karate and they have an epic fight.... Bear is wounded badly and Jesus can't use his full powers in hell so they merge. Both beings converge to a single body, becoming Bear Jesus! No longer a Holy Trinity.... But a Fantastic Four! Judas is defeated and he is questioned as to where the devil is but before he can answer James snaps his neck, then tells Jesus and Thor that Judas was going to use magic.

When they get to Arab heaven they find it destroyed. Mohammed is barely alive he was chained and force fed bacon and beaten.  As soon as he sees Bear Jesus's half-brother James he screams!!! "That's the devil!" James laughs and says "You have finally found me...." The only way to light the fires of hell is for Satan to be chained back into hell and an innocent must sacrifice himself! The battle is epic! Thor smote the ever loving crap out of the devil that turned into a black dragon that breaths green hell fire.

The battle goes on until Bear Jesus has enough. He unleashes his super attack and destroys the devil, who reverted to his angel form and rips off one wing. The pain is so severe Satan's hair turns white. He summons a meteor to hit the earth and when it does he will use the earth's healing energy to gain power. But Bear Jesus summons a massive sword and attacks Shiva, then grabs the devil with all his arms but the devil dives down and everyone is stunned.... When everyone comes to they're in hell and the devil merges with Judas to become Devil Judas.

The 3 members square off against the devil. "You will serve me", he says. Thor says "I SAY THEE, NAY!" and verily hits the Devil Judas with Mojnir. "How dost thou enjoy Mjonir's kiss.... in thou cock!?" He exclaims and Bear Jesus cuts of Devil Judas head, but the devil grows new heads. Jesus remembers that only a sacrifice can reignite hell and start the fires and chain the devil, so he stabs Mohammed. Hell is back and everything is as it should; Jesus powers down and separates himself from Bear. But it has been to long - Bear will not be able to be resurrected. Everyone on Earth mourned Bear and they all thank him for saving the world.

Jesus goes to heaven but Bear is not there, because Bears don't go to heaven or hell: they go to Purgatory.  Jesus puts on a leather jacket, lights a smoke, and puts on some shades. Limbo is the next stop. Jesus decides to build a suit of high tech armor using a new tech he developed. He must go to limbo alone he can't ask his friends to risk it. In some ways, limbo is more dangerous than even hell.

Limbo is vast and also very huge. It is like a plane that goes on forever, where all the atheists who lead good lives and did not talk about atheism all the time were saved from hell  with animals and Africans. When Jesus gets there a large group of Africans circle him "Yo dawg watz you doin ere? Dis our block u best be stepin!" Jesus is unable to understand the mad jabbering and uses his repulser blast to clear away through the filthy hoard; he finally sees Bear on a plateau. He is happy to see Jesus. But they realize that all of limbo is baring there escape..... Jesus in his special armor and Bear merge again, becoming Iron Bear Jesus. "Father, send help!" Iron Bear Jesus shouts to the sky... and there is a boom. Hitler was sent from heaven along with 200 of the best SS officers. There filthy hoard does not stand a change. Hitler uses his gassing ability and lays waist to thousands... Iron Bear Jesus fires an umini blast from his chest and there able to get to their exit.

"Jesus ", God says, "there is one more task you must complete. "
"Yes? ", Iron Bear Jesus (called IBJ for now on) says.
"To make the world a true paradise we have to stop Allah. He intends to destroy heaven and hell and limbo. He has joined forces with the Mormon mystics. This will be a battle to end all battles…. Thor has been captured. Shiva has been blackmailed and can't help.  It is all on you IBJ to face against Allah and the degenerate hoards of the Arabs! "

Loud booms are heard from the heavens, "it has begun," God exclaims. Thousands of other explosions are heard the first waves of kamikaze Arabs are bombing the gates of heaven. Hitler is doing all he can to slow him down but there are so many. The Mormons begin using there black magic and help them tear down the walls. The angels are prepped for battle but it is only a delaying tactics to buy time for IBJ to get into Arab heaven and confront Allah. Allah sits in his own world. Ever since IBJ killed Mohammed, Allah has planned his vengeance. Mohammed was not just a prophet... he was Allah's... everything... and now Allah would make everyone suffer as he has

IBJ enters Muslim heaven it is a hot dessert devoid of anything but sand.  In the distance in a large citadel: the castle of Allah. IBJ knew he could not fight the dark Mormon sorcery and Allah at the same time he needed someone powerful enough. But there is only on being in all the cosmos who could aid Jesus... but they had not spoken ever since the tribulation.

"I need your aid! This is not about us!" IBJ exclaimed, "If you don't aid me the Muslim hoards will destroy and rule everything for all eternity!"
"I will aid you son of god, but only to save the universe. After this is done... we're enemies again."
"I accept! Steve Irwin Lets do this!"

From his dark tower Allah, for the first time in thousands of years, feels fear.

The former crocodile hunter is immune to the moronic magic of the Mormon wizards and IBJ is free to deal with Allah, permanently. "Before we fight, son of man, I can offer you much".

"Don't even bother, Allah. Satan tried before and failed you got nothing I want.”
"I am more powerful IBJ... I can give you anything"
"Okay," IBJ responds, "give me a BLT."

Allah screams to the heavens and attacks, but IBJ Blocks using his sword. Allah begins to breathe fire and release desert winds. IBJ is losing, but then Allah falls to the ground! Behind him is Steve Irwin.

 "I bonked that prick on the back of his head I did.", he said "I finished those Mormons off and you looked like you needed a hand."
"Thanks Steve." IBJ says Jesus and Bear separate again. After all this they just want a simple lunch together and relax.

But from somewhere outside time and space a dark figure laughs.

"With all of the obstacles in my way gone except Jesus i can now invade.... HAHAHAHAHA....."
"But Master, Jesus destroyed all of them are you sure you can defeat him?" a servant asks
"Fool of course I am I am not some petty fallen angel or a filthy sand god, I am Cthulu!, BRINGER OF PAIN!!!!"

To be concluded in The Bible, Part 3: The Christening, Amen.

Both beings converge to a single body, becoming Bear Jesus! No longer a Holy Trinity.... But a Fantastic Four!

Jesus himself is one third of the holy trinity, get your facts straight.

But they realize that all of limbo is baring there escape

Barring. Unless "escape" is an euphemism for ass and you tried to say that everyone in limbo was mooning them. Oh, and it's "their", not "there".

Mohammed was not just a prophet... he was Allah's... everything...

Recently I started to like covering myself in stale feces and masturbating. Almost every morning I walk around my neighborhood with a large black garbage bag and collect all the crap I see. It takes a whole day to get two bags full of shit. But it all pays off when I come home after a hard day, go to the bathroom, turn on the hot water and…mmm, pour all the crap into the bathtub. And then I masturbate, imagining that I’m being devoured by all the feces. All in all, I think, that poo has its own mind, each pile of shit has its own family, place, feelings, we shouldn’t just flush them down the toilet, we should take care of them, talk to them, pet them… And you know what, I had a wonderful dream while lying in the bathtub yesterday, I dived into the sea and it turned into shit, fish, seaweed, jellyfish, everything turned into poo, even the sky, Allah himself.

Jesus is a kike - gas him.

>>3
Jews killed him. He must be good then. Like Santa Claus or something

>>4
No. It were Romans.

Roman's are just Jews in denial.

>>6
You got it right, my fellow Gentile.

When they get to Arab heaven they find it destroyed.
Of course, those sandniggers kept bombing themselves!

I am Cthulu!, BRINGER OF PAIN!!!!"
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLL
E/REDDIT/IN WIN /REDDIT/RO
I FUCKING LOVE LE LOVECRAFT XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
LE TENTACLES
>LLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

>>5
The romans only carried it out, it was the jews who infiltrated the roman government who ordered it.

The "jews" ordered it because he was judean (aka actual original jew which none of today's current "jews" are) who spoke out against the parasitic edomite pharisees (which is what the "jews" we know of today are, and the combination of pharisee and edomite being the original etymology of the word parasite) who were hijacking judaism and corrupting it so that they could commit all sins known to man with impunity (most important of all being usury which would over time cause the edomite "jews" to be forced out of every country in the world until the rothschilds managed to trick nations inot thinking they had a lot of money with a side order of typical edomite pharisee subversions, assassinations, marrying their whore women into families in positions of power, and general trickery e.g.; the bolshevik coup) which of course threatened their power as he was gaining a ton of support (which wasn't all that hard since people were already suffering the affects of the false edomite judaism and could tell who was behind it but no one else had the balls to stand up and organize people against it or had thought of using such a compelling argument as being the son of god).

>>10
it was the jews who infiltrated the roman government who ordered it.
Then the Romans were Jews. I didn't read the rest of your rant, because you're being redundant. I said Romans were Jews and you said Romans were Jews. Yes, I know that.

(which is what the "jews" we know of today are, and the combination of pharisee and edomite being the original etymology of the word parasite)
I know this probably isn't true, but I laughed hard.

I FUCKING LOVE JEWS AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, >>10-MUDSLIME

GO BOMB THAT NIGGER ANUS OF YOURS, WHILE I ENJOY THE MOST INTERESTING CULTURE EVER MADE, WHICH ALSO ``CONTROLS'' YOUR NIGGER ANUS

The Bible 3: The Christening

It has been many years since Iron Bear Jesus smote Allah and his Mormon Magi. Satan was back in hell. Jesus and Bear separated but stayed close friends. Bear had a family, having two sons Bear Jr. and Lisa. Jesus stayed single but was often at the Bear household where they would retell there great adventures for Bears children. After Bears children went to sleep Bear and Jesus talked about some of the old times. And then Jesus felt a cold shiver run down his back.

In a deep dark void a being of unimaginable horror stirred... Cthulu, he had instigated all of Jesus and Bears tribulations as part of his plan to get rid of all opposition. Now he could invade and only had Jesus, Bear, and Thor standing in his way.

Cthulu knew that even though he had gotten rid of most of his potential rivals Bear and Jesus would not be easy. He knew that even he would need help, so he made an offer to the lost tribes: The ＪＥＷＳ who centuries earlier had gone underground and survived off the ill-gotten wealth they stole while on Earth. They had learned dark ＪＥＷ magic and their hearts were as black as Cthulu’s. Fortunately, there was one being in the cosmos become aware of the ＪＥＷＳ and had the courage to speak of them. A small, unassuming man of great power; his name is Buddha. He went to Bear and Jesus and told him what was happening.

"We must form a team." Jesus said, "Bear and I will merge again to become Bear Jesus, and we will recruit Thor. We hope you will join us Buddha."
"Of course," Buddha said, "but we need a way to fight the ＪＥＷＳ."
"I know just the man." Jesus said with a nostalgic grin.

Hitler was relaxing when Bear Jesus, Thor, and Buddha showed up.

"Hitler, it has been a long time." Bear Jesus said. "Your job at defending the great walls against the Mormon sorceries during the great battle is still talked about…. We need your help again Hitler."
"I am sorry Bear Jesus" Hitler replied" But I am tired, I just want to rest I am weary of war."
"But Hitler... the enemy... it’s the ＪＥＷＳ... and they’re teamed with Cthulu." Jesus responded.
"I see....well.... then you will have my aid Bear Jesus" Hitler said.

The group once more prepared themselves for war. Bear Jesus gave his power armor to Hitler. Thor had his Hammer. Buddha refused all weapons, as he was a living weapon.

"We still could use the help of one more on such a quest." Hitler suggested.
"Who?" The group asked.
"We need Hercules."

The group went to Olympus -- but it had been ravaged! This was obviously where Cthulu and his foul ＪＥＷ hoards had attacked first.

"But where could they have gone?” Bear Jesus asked aloud.
"Oh son of man!" A low voice said from some rubble, "I am Hercules, the last living Olympian. The ＪＥＷＳ showed up saying they were lost and needed aid. As soon as we let them in they used their ＪＥＷ magic and killed Aries and Zeus! I survived because Apollo blinded the army just long enough for Hermes to hide me in the cellar of the main castle. By the time I reached the stairs to help the fight, everyone was dead. When the foul army left, they were headed towards Shiva's Palace. They want to destroy everything in this world so there taking out the heavy hitters first."
"Well they made a mistake," Bear Jesus said, "they should have tried to kill me first. Join us and we shall destroy Cthulu and the ＪＥＷＳ."
"Such dark magic cannot be fought hand to hand.... we need an edge."

Bear Jesus said "Hitler, you're one of the greatest tacticians I have ever met, and you know how to fight the ＪＥＷ. What say you?"
"Well, Bear Jesus," Hitler replied, "gas has always been effective on them, but their magic would be able to disperse it. I say we go to Vishnu's temple and we make our stand there. I believe he, has something that can aid us."
And so they went to Vishnu’s temple, where Vishnu was planning the defenses for his people.
"Bear Jesus! Hitler! Thor! Hercules! I am glad to see you. Are you here to aid us?"
"Yes!" Spoke Bear Jesus, "but we need your ancient machines. We must activate them and pilot them and we must merge them one final time.”
"Bear Jesus, you ask much and there are only 4 of you.... the merging takes five" Vishnu replied
"Yeah I know... you’re gonna be number five." Bear Jesus said with a smile.
"Very well, follow me." said Vishnu.

They stood in a circle and Vishnu called forth the 5 great lions and each member entered one. Bear Jesus becoming the body!
Hitler the right arm!
Thor the left arm!
Vishnu the right leg
Hercules the left leg and they formed Voltron!

Thor willed Mojnir to grow and Voltron used Thor’s hammer as a mighty weapon! At last they were ready to confront the greatest danger the world had seen.

While he dark army was searching, the heroes were hidden in a large empty building. They were waiting for the perfect moment to strike, when Cthulu was closest, and before the vile ＪＥＷＳ could use their deceitful magic. The dark army lined up stretching across the horizon. And Cthulu came to the front and with a great scream the ＪＥＷ hoards rushed forward towards the walls!

"NOW!" Bear Jesus exclaimed. Voltron tore out of the building wielding Mojnir, striking Cthulu in the head. The Team smote the shit out of Cthulu before the ＪＥＷＳ could activate a force field. But Hitler was prepared.

"Release!" Hitler yelled, and from the city walls thousands of gold coins fell to the ground. The ＪＥＷ wizards, although well-disciplined, could not control the instinctual urge and all ran towards the gold to grab as much as they could. It was now Voltron and Cthulu. And Cthulu knew he could not prevail.

*Please* Cthulu pleaded, in his raspy psychic voice in their heads. *Do not destroy me! I am needed as you are. What is light without dark?*

"Let’s find out, bitch!" Bear Jesus said, and they did smite Cthulu and they turned back to finish the ＪＥＷ wizards, who were regrouping after somehow grabbing all the gold coin.

With a single wicked ＪＥＷＩＳＨ curse, Voltron was disassembled. Each of them were damaged and all had been forced to eject. It was the five forces of good on foot versus the evilest and most foul ＪＥＷ magic ever concocted!

"Hitler, I hope you have a plan." Bear Jesus said.
"Only one," he said with a smile and a wink, then screamed "BLITZKRIEG!"

All the heroes rushed the hoard. Noble Thor was the first to fall, then Hercules, then Vishnu.... The ＪＥＷＳ called down thunder from the sky and called up fire from the Earth. Their centuries of dark magic and foul studies had prepared them well. It was down to Hitler in the power armor and Bear Jesus.

"Can you resurrect our comrades?" Hitler asked.
"Yes, but I need time... I’m afraid were on our own, Hitler…"

Then from the clouds came Buddha, who gently said "thanks for buying me the time I need.” The three heroes were back to back to back, Buddha readying the secret weapon he was preparing.

"Hey ＪＥＷＳ, guess what? All that gold you picked up was not gold... it was C-4!"

The three heroes smiled broadly as Buddha hit the detonator. The ＪＥＷＳ who had grabbed as much of what they thought was gold were vaporized! The three heroes were the only ones left standing, and then Bear Jesus resurrected their fallen comrades. There is much rebuilding to do.

Bear and Jesus unmerged again. The heroes were all bloody and battered but in high spirits. The dark lord was gone! The vile ＪＥＷＳ were vanquished! Now the Earth could truly be a paradise.

Epilogue: The heroes were given the highest honors by all the people of the Earth. Hitler retired from head of security from heaven, and became an artist, just as he had always wanted. Bear and Jesus stayed close friends and Bear had many more children, to which Jesus was a godfather. Thor, with no more wars to fight, decided to explore the universe with Hercules. Buddha and Vishnu began to work on a new Voltron incase war ever happened again, but this Voltron was designed after a Bear rather than a lion.

Next in The Bible Saga - Al Quran, Part 2: Mohammed and Allah were destroyed so Bear and Jesus must go on two separate missions! Jesus must search for a new Allah for the sand people, while Bear must stop an out of control Genie from trying to turn heaven into an endless des^_sert. The heroes have always won together, but separated can they still prevail? Find out soon!

In the next one does bear jesus take on mentishit's expert drone army?

>>14
"Release!" Hitler yelled, and from the city walls thousands of gold coins fell to the ground. The ＪＥＷ wizards, although well-disciplined, could not control the instinctual urge and all ran towards the gold to grab as much as they could.
Taking notes, Nikita?