Name: Anonymous 2013-05-29 3:59
The Bible 2: Jesus Strikes Back
It is 1,000 years since the tribulation. Earth is a paradise. Until Jesus and his closes friend, a Bear named Bear are having lunch. God tells Jesus the fires of hell have been extinguished Jesus and Bear must investigate and Thor has agreed to come help them. When they get there they find the fires of hell out... the only tings keeping demons coming to earth so they search for Lucifer. In hell they meet a man who claims to be Jesus's half-brother James; he has strange powers similar to Jesus.
As they leave hell a dark figure is following them he throws a dart but Thor is able to smack it out of the air. This shadowy figure is revealed to be Judas and he forced Bruce lee to teach him and some demons Karate and they have an epic fight.... Bear is wounded badly and Jesus can't use his full powers in hell so they merge. Both beings converge to a single body, becoming Bear Jesus! No longer a Holy Trinity.... But a Fantastic Four! Judas is defeated and he is questioned as to where the devil is but before he can answer James snaps his neck, then tells Jesus and Thor that Judas was going to use magic.
When they get to Arab heaven they find it destroyed. Mohammed is barely alive he was chained and force fed bacon and beaten. As soon as he sees Bear Jesus's half-brother James he screams!!! "That's the devil!" James laughs and says "You have finally found me...." The only way to light the fires of hell is for Satan to be chained back into hell and an innocent must sacrifice himself! The battle is epic! Thor smote the ever loving crap out of the devil that turned into a black dragon that breaths green hell fire.
The battle goes on until Bear Jesus has enough. He unleashes his super attack and destroys the devil, who reverted to his angel form and rips off one wing. The pain is so severe Satan's hair turns white. He summons a meteor to hit the earth and when it does he will use the earth's healing energy to gain power. But Bear Jesus summons a massive sword and attacks Shiva, then grabs the devil with all his arms but the devil dives down and everyone is stunned.... When everyone comes to they're in hell and the devil merges with Judas to become Devil Judas.
The 3 members square off against the devil. "You will serve me", he says. Thor says "I SAY THEE, NAY!" and verily hits the Devil Judas with Mojnir. "How dost thou enjoy Mjonir's kiss.... in thou cock!?" He exclaims and Bear Jesus cuts of Devil Judas head, but the devil grows new heads. Jesus remembers that only a sacrifice can reignite hell and start the fires and chain the devil, so he stabs Mohammed. Hell is back and everything is as it should; Jesus powers down and separates himself from Bear. But it has been to long - Bear will not be able to be resurrected. Everyone on Earth mourned Bear and they all thank him for saving the world.
Jesus goes to heaven but Bear is not there, because Bears don't go to heaven or hell: they go to Purgatory. Jesus puts on a leather jacket, lights a smoke, and puts on some shades. Limbo is the next stop. Jesus decides to build a suit of high tech armor using a new tech he developed. He must go to limbo alone he can't ask his friends to risk it. In some ways, limbo is more dangerous than even hell.
Limbo is vast and also very huge. It is like a plane that goes on forever, where all the atheists who lead good lives and did not talk about atheism all the time were saved from hell with animals and Africans. When Jesus gets there a large group of Africans circle him "Yo dawg watz you doin ere? Dis our block u best be stepin!" Jesus is unable to understand the mad jabbering and uses his repulser blast to clear away through the filthy hoard; he finally sees Bear on a plateau. He is happy to see Jesus. But they realize that all of limbo is baring there escape..... Jesus in his special armor and Bear merge again, becoming Iron Bear Jesus. "Father, send help!" Iron Bear Jesus shouts to the sky... and there is a boom. Hitler was sent from heaven along with 200 of the best SS officers. There filthy hoard does not stand a change. Hitler uses his gassing ability and lays waist to thousands... Iron Bear Jesus fires an umini blast from his chest and there able to get to their exit.
"Jesus ", God says, "there is one more task you must complete. "
"Yes? ", Iron Bear Jesus (called IBJ for now on) says.
"To make the world a true paradise we have to stop Allah. He intends to destroy heaven and hell and limbo. He has joined forces with the Mormon mystics. This will be a battle to end all battles…. Thor has been captured. Shiva has been blackmailed and can't help. It is all on you IBJ to face against Allah and the degenerate hoards of the Arabs! "
Loud booms are heard from the heavens, "it has begun," God exclaims. Thousands of other explosions are heard the first waves of kamikaze Arabs are bombing the gates of heaven. Hitler is doing all he can to slow him down but there are so many. The Mormons begin using there black magic and help them tear down the walls. The angels are prepped for battle but it is only a delaying tactics to buy time for IBJ to get into Arab heaven and confront Allah. Allah sits in his own world. Ever since IBJ killed Mohammed, Allah has planned his vengeance. Mohammed was not just a prophet... he was Allah's... everything... and now Allah would make everyone suffer as he has
IBJ enters Muslim heaven it is a hot dessert devoid of anything but sand. In the distance in a large citadel: the castle of Allah. IBJ knew he could not fight the dark Mormon sorcery and Allah at the same time he needed someone powerful enough. But there is only on being in all the cosmos who could aid Jesus... but they had not spoken ever since the tribulation.
"I need your aid! This is not about us!" IBJ exclaimed, "If you don't aid me the Muslim hoards will destroy and rule everything for all eternity!"
"I will aid you son of god, but only to save the universe. After this is done... we're enemies again."
"I accept! Steve Irwin Lets do this!"
From his dark tower Allah, for the first time in thousands of years, feels fear.
The former crocodile hunter is immune to the moronic magic of the Mormon wizards and IBJ is free to deal with Allah, permanently. "Before we fight, son of man, I can offer you much".
"Don't even bother, Allah. Satan tried before and failed you got nothing I want.”
"I am more powerful IBJ... I can give you anything"
"Okay," IBJ responds, "give me a BLT."
Allah screams to the heavens and attacks, but IBJ Blocks using his sword. Allah begins to breathe fire and release desert winds. IBJ is losing, but then Allah falls to the ground! Behind him is Steve Irwin.
"I bonked that prick on the back of his head I did.", he said "I finished those Mormons off and you looked like you needed a hand."
"Thanks Steve." IBJ says Jesus and Bear separate again. After all this they just want a simple lunch together and relax.
But from somewhere outside time and space a dark figure laughs.
"With all of the obstacles in my way gone except Jesus i can now invade.... HAHAHAHAHA....."
"But Master, Jesus destroyed all of them are you sure you can defeat him?" a servant asks
"Fool of course I am I am not some petty fallen angel or a filthy sand god, I am Cthulu!, BRINGER OF PAIN!!!!"
To be concluded in The Bible, Part 3: The Christening, Amen.
It is 1,000 years since the tribulation. Earth is a paradise. Until Jesus and his closes friend, a Bear named Bear are having lunch. God tells Jesus the fires of hell have been extinguished Jesus and Bear must investigate and Thor has agreed to come help them. When they get there they find the fires of hell out... the only tings keeping demons coming to earth so they search for Lucifer. In hell they meet a man who claims to be Jesus's half-brother James; he has strange powers similar to Jesus.
As they leave hell a dark figure is following them he throws a dart but Thor is able to smack it out of the air. This shadowy figure is revealed to be Judas and he forced Bruce lee to teach him and some demons Karate and they have an epic fight.... Bear is wounded badly and Jesus can't use his full powers in hell so they merge. Both beings converge to a single body, becoming Bear Jesus! No longer a Holy Trinity.... But a Fantastic Four! Judas is defeated and he is questioned as to where the devil is but before he can answer James snaps his neck, then tells Jesus and Thor that Judas was going to use magic.
When they get to Arab heaven they find it destroyed. Mohammed is barely alive he was chained and force fed bacon and beaten. As soon as he sees Bear Jesus's half-brother James he screams!!! "That's the devil!" James laughs and says "You have finally found me...." The only way to light the fires of hell is for Satan to be chained back into hell and an innocent must sacrifice himself! The battle is epic! Thor smote the ever loving crap out of the devil that turned into a black dragon that breaths green hell fire.
The battle goes on until Bear Jesus has enough. He unleashes his super attack and destroys the devil, who reverted to his angel form and rips off one wing. The pain is so severe Satan's hair turns white. He summons a meteor to hit the earth and when it does he will use the earth's healing energy to gain power. But Bear Jesus summons a massive sword and attacks Shiva, then grabs the devil with all his arms but the devil dives down and everyone is stunned.... When everyone comes to they're in hell and the devil merges with Judas to become Devil Judas.
The 3 members square off against the devil. "You will serve me", he says. Thor says "I SAY THEE, NAY!" and verily hits the Devil Judas with Mojnir. "How dost thou enjoy Mjonir's kiss.... in thou cock!?" He exclaims and Bear Jesus cuts of Devil Judas head, but the devil grows new heads. Jesus remembers that only a sacrifice can reignite hell and start the fires and chain the devil, so he stabs Mohammed. Hell is back and everything is as it should; Jesus powers down and separates himself from Bear. But it has been to long - Bear will not be able to be resurrected. Everyone on Earth mourned Bear and they all thank him for saving the world.
Jesus goes to heaven but Bear is not there, because Bears don't go to heaven or hell: they go to Purgatory. Jesus puts on a leather jacket, lights a smoke, and puts on some shades. Limbo is the next stop. Jesus decides to build a suit of high tech armor using a new tech he developed. He must go to limbo alone he can't ask his friends to risk it. In some ways, limbo is more dangerous than even hell.
Limbo is vast and also very huge. It is like a plane that goes on forever, where all the atheists who lead good lives and did not talk about atheism all the time were saved from hell with animals and Africans. When Jesus gets there a large group of Africans circle him "Yo dawg watz you doin ere? Dis our block u best be stepin!" Jesus is unable to understand the mad jabbering and uses his repulser blast to clear away through the filthy hoard; he finally sees Bear on a plateau. He is happy to see Jesus. But they realize that all of limbo is baring there escape..... Jesus in his special armor and Bear merge again, becoming Iron Bear Jesus. "Father, send help!" Iron Bear Jesus shouts to the sky... and there is a boom. Hitler was sent from heaven along with 200 of the best SS officers. There filthy hoard does not stand a change. Hitler uses his gassing ability and lays waist to thousands... Iron Bear Jesus fires an umini blast from his chest and there able to get to their exit.
"Jesus ", God says, "there is one more task you must complete. "
"Yes? ", Iron Bear Jesus (called IBJ for now on) says.
"To make the world a true paradise we have to stop Allah. He intends to destroy heaven and hell and limbo. He has joined forces with the Mormon mystics. This will be a battle to end all battles…. Thor has been captured. Shiva has been blackmailed and can't help. It is all on you IBJ to face against Allah and the degenerate hoards of the Arabs! "
Loud booms are heard from the heavens, "it has begun," God exclaims. Thousands of other explosions are heard the first waves of kamikaze Arabs are bombing the gates of heaven. Hitler is doing all he can to slow him down but there are so many. The Mormons begin using there black magic and help them tear down the walls. The angels are prepped for battle but it is only a delaying tactics to buy time for IBJ to get into Arab heaven and confront Allah. Allah sits in his own world. Ever since IBJ killed Mohammed, Allah has planned his vengeance. Mohammed was not just a prophet... he was Allah's... everything... and now Allah would make everyone suffer as he has
IBJ enters Muslim heaven it is a hot dessert devoid of anything but sand. In the distance in a large citadel: the castle of Allah. IBJ knew he could not fight the dark Mormon sorcery and Allah at the same time he needed someone powerful enough. But there is only on being in all the cosmos who could aid Jesus... but they had not spoken ever since the tribulation.
"I need your aid! This is not about us!" IBJ exclaimed, "If you don't aid me the Muslim hoards will destroy and rule everything for all eternity!"
"I will aid you son of god, but only to save the universe. After this is done... we're enemies again."
"I accept! Steve Irwin Lets do this!"
From his dark tower Allah, for the first time in thousands of years, feels fear.
The former crocodile hunter is immune to the moronic magic of the Mormon wizards and IBJ is free to deal with Allah, permanently. "Before we fight, son of man, I can offer you much".
"Don't even bother, Allah. Satan tried before and failed you got nothing I want.”
"I am more powerful IBJ... I can give you anything"
"Okay," IBJ responds, "give me a BLT."
Allah screams to the heavens and attacks, but IBJ Blocks using his sword. Allah begins to breathe fire and release desert winds. IBJ is losing, but then Allah falls to the ground! Behind him is Steve Irwin.
"I bonked that prick on the back of his head I did.", he said "I finished those Mormons off and you looked like you needed a hand."
"Thanks Steve." IBJ says Jesus and Bear separate again. After all this they just want a simple lunch together and relax.
But from somewhere outside time and space a dark figure laughs.
"With all of the obstacles in my way gone except Jesus i can now invade.... HAHAHAHAHA....."
"But Master, Jesus destroyed all of them are you sure you can defeat him?" a servant asks
"Fool of course I am I am not some petty fallen angel or a filthy sand god, I am Cthulu!, BRINGER OF PAIN!!!!"
To be concluded in The Bible, Part 3: The Christening, Amen.