Name: Scientist 2013-03-17 17:16
Hello /prog/, I am looking for volunteers to help me pioneer the revolutionary new field of medicine. I shall detail my progress below[1].
I have created the world’s first cyborg chicken. It is common knowledge that a chicken can live without its head. I bought a flock of one hundred chickens from the local farmer’s market and raised them to maturity. By the time they were fully grown, eight six of them were still alive. I then decapitated each chicken within the span of a few hours using different techniques that I had researched on how to preserve their life through the process. After three days there were only twelve chickens left alive, and the required nearly constant care, so I restrained their bodies and provided them a constant drip of water and food into the holes in their necks. I then waited a week for their condition to stabilize, during which I prepared to move on to Phase II of the operation.
Phase II consisted of surgically attaching an ASIC device (which was produced at enormous expense, I might add) to interface with the spinal cord of the chicken. There is also a SoC[2] to control the chicken in a high level way for WAN communications to facilitate manual control of the chicken and remote reprogramming. There were three fatalities during surgery and one in the post-operation stage. A week after Phase II was completed there were eight chickens still alive.
Phase III consisted of programming the chickens. I had previously prepared OpenWatcom C compiler to cross compile for the chickens and found the language quite satisfactory to program them. After much experimentation, I found the appropriate signals to control different functions and implemented each signal as an interrupt. White meat muscles are controlled by
Now it is time for Phase IV of this project; which is where your help comes in. Phase IV involves human trials. I am looking for volunteers who wish to become cyborgs and are willing to relocate to a small African country with no functioning government. I can assure you that the process will not be painful in the slightest and that you will be well compensated for your time and trouble. Travel expenses will be paid for. Only a select, honored few will be able to assist in such groundbreaking research, so I must insist on a physical examination before we start. If you are interested, please post here with your details, a small paragraph describing why you would like to participate in this study, and (most importantly) your contact information.
I look forward to working on you!
Joshua Rothberg, PhD, MD, JD, CCNA
jrothberg@who.un.gov
______________________________________
[1]Details may be found in the prestigious journal Nature.
[2]The SoC runs MS-DOS 5.0 on i286 to ensure that there are no spontaneous deaths.
[3]Nerves are discrete, but due to the imprecise nature of the neural interface, a higher intensity allows for more nerves to be triggered at once.
I have created the world’s first cyborg chicken. It is common knowledge that a chicken can live without its head. I bought a flock of one hundred chickens from the local farmer’s market and raised them to maturity. By the time they were fully grown, eight six of them were still alive. I then decapitated each chicken within the span of a few hours using different techniques that I had researched on how to preserve their life through the process. After three days there were only twelve chickens left alive, and the required nearly constant care, so I restrained their bodies and provided them a constant drip of water and food into the holes in their necks. I then waited a week for their condition to stabilize, during which I prepared to move on to Phase II of the operation.
Phase II consisted of surgically attaching an ASIC device (which was produced at enormous expense, I might add) to interface with the spinal cord of the chicken. There is also a SoC[2] to control the chicken in a high level way for WAN communications to facilitate manual control of the chicken and remote reprogramming. There were three fatalities during surgery and one in the post-operation stage. A week after Phase II was completed there were eight chickens still alive.
Phase III consisted of programming the chickens. I had previously prepared OpenWatcom C compiler to cross compile for the chickens and found the language quite satisfactory to program them. After much experimentation, I found the appropriate signals to control different functions and implemented each signal as an interrupt. White meat muscles are controlled by
int 32, while dark meat muscles are controlled by int 33, etc). The contents of ah indicate which specific muscle to control, and al determining the intensity of the signal[3]. After a only three weeks I had gotten the chickens to walk around in pre-programmed paths and defecate on cue.Now it is time for Phase IV of this project; which is where your help comes in. Phase IV involves human trials. I am looking for volunteers who wish to become cyborgs and are willing to relocate to a small African country with no functioning government. I can assure you that the process will not be painful in the slightest and that you will be well compensated for your time and trouble. Travel expenses will be paid for. Only a select, honored few will be able to assist in such groundbreaking research, so I must insist on a physical examination before we start. If you are interested, please post here with your details, a small paragraph describing why you would like to participate in this study, and (most importantly) your contact information.
I look forward to working on you!
Joshua Rothberg, PhD, MD, JD, CCNA
jrothberg@who.un.gov
______________________________________
[1]Details may be found in the prestigious journal Nature.
[2]The SoC runs MS-DOS 5.0 on i286 to ensure that there are no spontaneous deaths.
[3]Nerves are discrete, but due to the imprecise nature of the neural interface, a higher intensity allows for more nerves to be triggered at once.