If programming languages were...

...sex techniques\positions.

C - Missionary position with the lights off.
C++ - Scat sex, with shit eating, shit fucking, and shit shitting.
BASIC - Masturbation while crying.
Common LISP - Riding a dildo while getting your dick sucked.
Python - Molesting a child and getting away with it.
x86 Assembly - Being bent over a barrel and fucked by hicks.
Symta - Dropping acid while at an orgy.
Ruby - Sex with a retard.
Perl - Molesting a child, then going to prison and getting raped by a fat nigger for five years, then getting killed in a riot, then having the mortician desecrate your corpse.
Scheme - Getting oral sex from an attractive woman.
Javascript - Getting assfucked bareback by several guys at a gifting party, absorbing all their nasty, HIV+ cum and dieing several years later.
Lua - Giving a golden shower.
HTML - Thinking about having sex, then thinking about something else because sex is yucky.

Perl is like being molested by your uncle. There's something off about him, but everyone regards him very highly, so you trust him, and then on a family camping trip out at Montauk Point he takes advantage of you. Years later, you accept and acknowledge what happened, but you still refuse to believe that he's scarred you, because that would put him in control, not you, and the last thing you want is a molester in control of your life -- but your denial doesn't make it the truth. You want to believe that deep down inside, Perl is a good person, and you see that Perl has very redeeming qualities, but you sit down to try and program Perl and all you can think of is that camel's hard, throbbing cock.