If programming languages were...

...sex techniques\positions.

C - Missionary position with the lights off.
C++ - Scat sex, with shit eating, shit fucking, and shit shitting.
BASIC - Masturbation while crying.
Common LISP - Riding a dildo while getting your dick sucked.
Python - Molesting a child and getting away with it.
x86 Assembly - Being bent over a barrel and fucked by hicks.
Symta - Dropping acid while at an orgy.
Ruby - Sex with a retard.
Perl - Molesting a child, then going to prison and getting raped by a fat nigger for five years, then getting killed in a riot, then having the mortician desecrate your corpse.
Scheme - Getting oral sex from an attractive woman.
Javascript - Getting assfucked bareback by several guys at a gifting party, absorbing all their nasty, HIV+ cum and dieing several years later.
Lua - Giving a golden shower.
HTML - Thinking about having sex, then thinking about something else because sex is yucky.

C - Scat.
C++ - Scat.
BASIC - Scat.
Common LISP - Scat.
Python - Scat.
x86 Assembly - Fatally unsuccessful autoerotic asphyxiation.
Symta - Scat.
Ruby - Scat.
Perl - Scat.
Scheme - Touhou orgy.
Javascript - Scat.
Lua - Scat.
HTML - Scat video on xhamster.