The fad is over. I'm sick of Node.js...

...but I don't want to go  back to LAMP. I need to explore further. I've already tried Django and I like it even less than Node.js because it's too fucking bloated. I don't like Node.js because I don't want to build everything with freaking JS and callbacks.

So what's next? What's a sane alternative that is lightweight, simple in design and usage, yes fairly well supported and well documented?

too fucking bloated
You're just too fucking stupid to understand what all the parts are for.