>>26
So, yesterday morning, I drove to MIT for this retreat. The first several hours consisted of sitting around in an all-purpose room and doing silly activites and icebreakers. There were only about 15-20 people there (ages 16-50 probably), but try as I did, I could not connect with them. I pretended to achieve Satori, but it seemed as though Satori was all that there was to these people. While I was having my lunch of Cool Ranch Doritos (the only good part of this whole thing!), it dawned on me that I can connect better to C programmers because they (we :)) are deeper people. We don't have this crap functional paradigm to fill all the voids in our personality, so we make up for it with actual purpose and being interesting. I wiped the Cool Ranch crumbs out of my beard, and, for the first time in 20 years, felt happy at MIT because of this realization.
Right before the end of the retreat, we had one last activity. We passed around a big plastic ball, and whoever was holding it had to talk about what he/she learned at the retreat. People spewed all this bullshit about Lisp and Guy Steele and Satori, and eventually the ball made its way to me. I had tied my Geoxes tight in preparation for this moment. I stood up, gently pushed the ball away, and said, "I'm sorry, but I can no longer go on like this. I am a C coder -- a proud, intelligent, skeptical C coder. Sitting around here today and hearing all of the nonsense flow from each of your mouths has shown me that I need to start living the life I want to live. I can no longer live this charade. I am a C coder, and as much as you think you love this imaginary computer spirit, your children or grandchildren will be C coders once logic reigns supreme and Lisp is wiped out. Thank you and good day, sirs."
Just as I was about to walk away, some big guy grabbed the ball and threw it right at my face. Hours and hours of MUGEN have honed my reflexes pretty well, so I was able to roll to the side and dodge the ball as flew into the kitchen doorway behind me. The woman next to me then reached out and clawed at my neck, but I spun as I was standing up and I think my ponytail whipped into her eyes because she fell back. I heard angry shouts and people coming after me as I ran into the kitchen. I saw the ball sitting on the floor and one of the stove burners still on. Knowing Java, I grabbed the ball and put it on top of the burners, and as the angry mob of "good Lispers" filled the kitchen, the ball popped with a gunshot-like noise long enough to daze them. I was a bit high on adrenaline at the moment, so I pumped my fist in the air and shouted "
ENTERPRISE always wins!" before I ran out of the kitchen, into the hallway, and out the door to my car. I popped in a Megadeth CD and floored it (left some tiremarks in their parking lot) and here I am now, in a strip mall parking lot on my laptop.
I'm afraid of what I will face when I get home. An academic blowhard has probably already contacted my family. Everyone else in my family is a devout Lisper, I guess you could call them fundies. My mom and sister will be mad, but it's my dad that will be the worst. I don't doubt that he will be violent. I'm watching kenjutsu videos as I write this and I am going to stop at the woods nearby to find a nice sturdy branch, so I think I will be able to defend myself when the need arises. I'm glad that I did this, but I fear I will no longer be welcome in my home. I plan on spending the night here and going home in the morning when he will be at his weakest so I can gather my things.
Thanks for listening to what was probably the most life-changing day of my life and sorry for any typos.
TL;DR: I came out as an OOP at an MIT retreat, only to be chased out by a violent horde and now I might not be able to return home.