Eric poured the first of his new bottle of Jägermeister into a glass tumbler, making sure not to spill any drops of the precious thick brown liqueur.
He was warm all over from drinking the last bottle and sweat formed like dew over the numerous crap lines in his forehead. He threw back the shot, slammed his glass down, and brushed a swatch of greasy orange hair out of his eyes.
"Time to get back to work," he said to no one in particular.
Eric's wife was out of town on business, something that was happening more and more often lately, and he had been left to his own devices.
After getting kicked out of Barnes & Noble by the management when they caught him wandering up to strangers and offering to sign copies of The Cathedral and the Bazaar, he attended the Chester County Library Steering Committee but had to leave early from there too after he fell asleep and began to snore loudly during new business.
It must have been that bottle of Jäger on the way there, Eric thought as he drove home. And that had been Eric's afternoon.
Back home and at a loose end with a new bottle of Jäger, Eric decided it was time to update the 'ol LARP résumé. He sat down at his new home workstation, a rare 300 MHz Pentium MMX system with 512 MiB of memory named hardball, opened a terminal and typed nano $HOME/catb.org/html/larp.html, and began.
First, he had a couple of new roles to add to his already impressive list. He focused his eyes and read the last couple of characters over.
Percy Bullock (adept of the Golden Dawn) in Golden Aeon
Egil Skallagrimsson (viking badass) in Drink Deep and Drink Deeper.
Lucien Volare (revolutionary agitator) in Torch of Freedom
Cracking his knuckles and stretching his neck, Eric turned toward his mechanical keyboard.
Eric's keyboard was something special. First, none of the keys—not a single one—had any of the characters printed on them anymore save for a few white flecks here and there. Eric had worn them away in the last thirty years of typing with unwashed, greasy fingers.
There was also a film of crumbs, dead skin, finger grease, and Jäger congealed between the keys that looked like bile and smelled like a grease-trap in a condemned Chinese restaurant that permeated the air whenever he typed. Miraculously, the thing still clacked like it was 1982, and so Eric never saw a reason to clean it.
Eric was having a hard time finding a DIN-to-USB adapter and so was stuck with PS/2, which was one reason he was loathe to ever upgrade his system. At one point he'd tried to "hack" a newer motherboard to support DIN, but ended up spilling melted flux all over it, burning his hands in the process.
Eric fingered this beast's keys and began adding his latest triumphs to the list.
Dildor Cockshadow (bisexual priest) in One if by Man
Vas Deferens (badass privateer) in Escape from Planet Prepuce
After another perilous moment of swapping, Eric's changes were saved and his hard drive quieted. Eric then scrolled down, Firefox swallowing memory like Linux developers in a men's room, until he reached the Skills and Interests Relevant to Live-Action Gaming section.
Spot-checking "I have an extensive knowledge base in the sciences and history," "I have good public-speaking skills and can hold an audience," and "I am an expert computer programmer and Internet technologist," Eric smiled. He squinted and began typing again.
I am the leader of hackers worldwide and spearhead the Open Source movement.
Eric hit ^O and leered in satisfaction as his machine once again lurched out of /swap in a heroic effort to write his changes. His LARP résumé would be better than ever.
To celebrate, Eric swung around in his chair and grabbed the fresh bottle of Jägermeister, anxious to dive deeper into 70-proof stupor.
He paused, however, and decided to add a just a little more for good measure. Eric tickled the keyboard, smiling at the joy of talking about himself.
I am a core Linux developer.
Eric rubbed his bulbous gut through his faded OSCON '01 t-shirt as he ftp'ed into catb.org and uploaded the changes. While he was waiting for the transfer to complete he stuck his hand into his pants and took a slug from his freshly-opened bottle of Jäger.
Anyone who has had sexual intercourse with Eric S. Raymond and/or uses Linux should go and get an AIDS test immediately!
Eric, known as ESR in certain circles, is one of the most sexually-promiscuous people in the Open Source community. For example, he’s currently sleeping with two unemployed Linux hobbyists on a regular basis who do all sorts of sick, depraved shit with him like shoving Twinkies up their asses so that Eric can suck the filling out.
Another instance of Eric's disgusting behavior is when he and his Linux losers held what is known in the industry as a “Linux party.” Think that means some kind of icecream social? Think again! One night, Eric held Linus Torvalds at gunpoint and almost choked him to death on a giant turd, after which he gained root access to the Linux code server. Eric likes to pistol-whip geeky programmers and get his penis and gun barrels licked clean.
Eric Raymond gives little regard to whom he sleeps with or what they may be infected with. His is a pathological obsession for attention caused by years of Linux programming and self-aggrandizement. When asked by a Linux user group to speak publicly at their next meeting, Eric ended up having sex in the bathroom with one of their members and throwing up all over the place. And let’s not even get into the time that Eric managed to shit into the brownie mix at a LAN party!
Eric also has surprise sex whenever he can. One time, he visited Rob Malda, the founder of Slashdot.org. After breaking into Rob's place, Eric was seen exiting the property house at dusk, throwing empty bottles of Jägermeister after what neighbors called a “loud night of moaning and fighting.” Rob allegedly suffered bowel-incontinence for the next several days. He certainly didn't post any stories to Slashdot for a while after Eric's visit!
Because of this kind of depraved, wanton activity Eric has seen “odd results” on his last several AIDS tests, but he insists that there must be a bug in their testing software. Maybe it’s running Linux?!
If you think retroviruses, gunplay, and herbal liqueur are sexy, go for it. As long as you tell Eric that you're a Linux user, he won’t turn you down.
Otherwise, steer clear of this walking Open Source sewer. Not only will you contract one of Eric’s diseases but you will have the shame of appearing on his list of one-night stands and Linux butthole rape. That’s not something anyone should want or be proud of—except Eric S. Raymond.