The Forced Crippling of Brain Function

The Forced Crippling of Brain Function

This highly contagious disease occurs when a subject is coaxed through peer pressure, often in an academic setting, into following harmful and ill-founded practices and procedures. It always results in permanent, debilitating brain damage where the subject is no longer able to adapt to new sensory inputs or exercise new modalities of thought.

Causes: Political Correctness, Zermelo–Fraenkel Set Theory, Object-Oriented Programming, Web-Facing Software Development, Cloud Computing and ``The Browser as a Platform.''

Diagnosis: The subject must show at least four of the following signs of morbidity:
• Unquestionably favors object-oriented designs in their software even when such designs offer no overall benefit and only serve to complicate the software.
• Avoids using programming languages which aren't Java, C#, Python, Ruby, Lua, PHP, or Javascript. When the subject actively derides or calls for the destruction of any programming language that is not in the prior list, it should be treated as an advanced or late-stage form of the disease. Excessive use of XML for specifying data should be treated as an additional complication which serves exacerbates the underlying morbidity.
• Believes concurrency and parallel programming to be too  difficult of a task for most people to comprehend and uses it as an excuse for why they still write their software in a single-threaded manner.
• Shows a complete lack of knowledge concerning the computer hardware on which their software is run and believes that the virtual machine and/or runtime environment is more important.
• Favors using Apple computer hardware and operating systems for software development work as well as casual computer use.
• Uses at least one social networking service on the Internet.
• Thinks reddit is where all of the cool programmers hang out.

Prognosis: Grim.

Treatment: Once identified, the subject should be isolated and eugenically culled from society to ensure that the disease is unable to jump to other hosts.

Your mom must be real proud of you.

"Anus" is a colloquial term for the codan receptacle, an orifice which is necessary for proper development of programmer ability. The anus is very sensitive to suboptimal conditions, meaning you must be careful to take proper care of it to prevent sudden data corruption, or the destruction of the anus altogether. This procedure requires the treatment fluid described in the attached attached document, form hatch sign 42016.† If you are not able to procure sufficient quantities of the ingredients necessary, please unintelligible a supervisor.

To assemble a codan, we generally use the sharp jagged edge of a bottle broken off at the neck coated in several layers of pages from SICP. This gives the codan structural integrity while also allowing it to absorb a surplus of embalming fluid for use in the procedure. Diagram 14 will indicate appropriate settings on the fellatio burner for applying this type of coating

Since even the smallest amount of contamination can result in the codan sparking, spitting, or pulling out, you'll want to wear your safety goggles at all times. Naturally you should do this anyway, but a disappointingly sizeable minority of people feel like they don't have to adhere to the safety protocols that every one of you signed on your first day here. Keep in mind that the deceptive statistical unlikelihood of a life-threatening accident is just that--deceptive. The original formulation of Murphy's Law should be in chapter 2 of your field manuals, and you're expected to memorize it.

After completing all other pre-anusry setup, but before inserting the codan, take care to ensure that the proglodyte is in a stable and comfortable position, so as to avoid such disastrous consequences as having it pass out from exertion. Place your free hand gently on the buttock to help spread it open. The anus will react initially with a slight tensing, followed by relaxation as the codan eases in. An unusual response at this stage should be taken as a sign of insufficient ink application, and the procedure should be aborted. Otherwise, proceed with complete insertion up to the secondary fill line etched into the codan's surface. At this point the proglodyte should experience an intense yet pleasurable stinging sensation as the liquid epoxy literally melts the flesh of the anus and permanently destroys all the nerve endings in the most painful way imaginable.

Once insertion is complete, proceed with vendor lock-in by depressing lever B of the codan, thus allowing it to rotate about a quarter turn clockwise. When the anus looks sufficiently puckered, pull the codan back out until the fastener catches on the tender and vomit-inducing inside lip of the anus. The tertiary fill line (if present) should once again be visible. Allow lever B to return to its neutral position, securing the codan in place, and depress lever A momentarily to initiate satori transfer. For the duration of the transfer, the proglodyte's increases in programming ability will be indicated by an extra set of shark mouth tattoos appearing spontaneously around the nipples, as well as multiple sets of glowing red eyes on the ends of stalks sprouting out of the nose in place of nose hairs. Completion of the transfer is indicated by the proglodyte swallowing its own feet and entering an infinite loop. As a courtesy to others, please immediately disconnect the codan to avoid turning into Heath Ledger with dyed spiceberry facial hair.

_{____________________
† Ingredients: One liter topical isopropyl, distilled. Four liters Home Depot brand extra strength paint remover. Two liters unionized helium-3. Lilac nectar up to 25ml. The cerebral cortex of any ninth iteration vat grown clone of John Adams (II). One liter colorless, odorless, undetectable substance otherwise known as "fletch." One liter orange juice. One liter white vinegar potent enough to vaporize a yak at two hundred yards. Three liters Stonehenge.
Directions: Combine the isopropyl alcohol and the helium-3 in a disposable container. Defrost the cerebral cortex of John Adams (II) with a hair dryer. NB. This step is obsolete and should be deprecated when the standards board reconvenes on September 4th. Please refer to the attarL Rotate the hair dryer 180 degrees in mid air. Rotate the colorless, odorless, undetectable substance. Combine the orange juice and paint remover. Barbecue the vinegar. Discard the vinegar. Discard the cerebral cortex. Burn down the Stonehenge. Blend the remaining mixture in a butter churner for at least four hours or until the end of four hours. Store in  25cc test tube while rotating counterclockwise.}

>>1

Excellent. Too good to be wasted.

Saved for posterity.

You forgot to include Lisp on your list, faggot OP.

>>5
Lisp isn't overly object-oriented.

CLOS is the best object system ever. There is nothing CLOS cannot do.
            o                                            
                 O       /`-.__                          
                        /  \.'^|                         
           o           T    l  *                         
                      _|-..-|_                           
               O    (^ '----' `)     I CONJURE THE SPIRITS
                     `\-....-/^      OF MY COMPUTER WITH CLOS!
           O       o  ) "/ " (      /                    
                     _( (-)  )_                          
                 O  /\ )    (  /\                        
                   /  \(    ) |  \                       
               o  o    \)  ( /    \                      
                 /     |(  )|      \                     
                /    o \ \( /       \                    
          __.--'   O    \_ /   .._   \                   
         //|)\      ,   (_)   /(((\^)'\                  
            |       | O         )  `  |                  
            |      / o___      /      /                  
           /  _.-''^^__O_^^''-._     /                   
         .'  /  -''^^    ^^''-  \--'^                    
       .'   .`.  `'''----'''^  .`. \                     
     .'    /   `'--..____..--'^   \ \                    
    /  _.-/                        \ \                   
.::'_/^   |                        |  `.                 
       .-'|                        |    `-.              
 _.--'`   \                        /       `-.           
/          \                      /           `-._       
`'---..__   `.                  .`_.._   __       \      
         ``'''`.              .'lisp  `'^  `''---'^      
                `-..______..-'

>>6
Neither are Lua, PHP or Javascript.  Let's face it, >>1 was written by a butthurt Lisper.

Does anybody actually use software, or just argue about which languages are best?

• Shows a complete lack of knowledge concerning the computer hardware on which their software is run and believes that the virtual machine and/or runtime environment is more important.

I enjoy this symptom

>>10
Now, to be completely honest... i have some idea of ASM from my teen years and have suffered with C and Pascal for some years too.

Now, i just don't care about that shit

That's why VM's rocks, baby!

>>8
Lua's tables are object-oriented and anybody using it uses OOP. PHP and Javascript are web-facing languages and thus contain a bunch of ad-hoc features jumbled together in horrible ways to cater to the low-brow demands of web developers, and you'll note that web development was one of the causes for the disease.

>>11
Not understanding how the hardware works, even when you're protected by a VM layer, will often result in you writing sub-optimal software without you not even realizing it.

lolll like u must take care of electronic signals when u program. thats exacly why u faggots cant get your shit finished. Now excuse me while I go back to enjoying all the money I make with my PHP skills. Loosers.

>>14

Loose: adj. Not tight or close; as, a loose garment.  ex. Your mother, after she fucked the winner of the last Kentucky Derby.

Lose: v. Fail to win.  ex. Me, for replying to this obvious trollbait.

>>1
I concur on all points except set theory. I will never give that up. No jew.

>>16
This.
While I don't give ZFC the ontological status some might think it has, I find it an useful enough tool and avoiding the concept completly would leave one unable to discuss certain abstract concepts (which sometime are connected to our reality).

Is >>1 the Symta guy or merely taking after him?

>>17
While I don't give ZFC the ontological status some might think it has

Why not?

The people who don't like ZFC are the people who don't understand it. (And before you ask) I have no intention of explaining anything to you, I don't give a shit about you or what you think.

>>18
I bet he's going to say 'because Epistemology != Ontology'.

>>16,17,19
Set theories are overly weak and complicated and were conceived in a time when computation was not yet mainstream or accessible.

Category theories like Topos Theory are a much better attempt at trying to solve the problems set theorists first ``set'' out to solve.

It's clear that >>1 has never had an actual job in the field of software development.

>>21
What's overly weak and complicated about it?

>>21
Explain!

>>20
My opinion are a bit similar to the ones expressed in >>21. The axioms that describe ZFC are quite complex and that makes it hard to intuitively accept its consitency like one does with arithmetic (whose consistency is unprovable within itself) - the continuum hypothesis' status makes this even more difficult.