POOP IN PHP

Ok, so I'm working on a project ( and yes it is for my ass ) I come from a strong background in java, so this project is a bit odd to me, it being in PHP. I learned about the MySQLi interface and it makes a lot of sense to me, so what I'm trying to do is write a PHP class to do all the backend stuff for my site so that my main pages can just call $site->functionHaxMyAnus(); to get whatever needs done accomplished. the problem I'm having is with database connections. in java I'd do something like this http://pastebin.com/Weiner59
but since php is loosely typed I have no idea how to do that. Any tips would be appreciated, or perhaps a better guide to poop in php....

NO EXCEPTIONS

http://php.net/pdo

Write an abstract class with a static function that returns a static property to a singleton reference to your PDO object

Your pastebin link didn't work, just like anything else you will write

>>3
PDO object
GJS Sussman
RAM memory
CPU unit
...

>>4
GUI INTERFACE