Assembler:You waste no time, abstraction such as knifes and forks are alien to you. You leap into the air, swipe your teeth around the orange and swallow it whole.
Then C++ would be taking a hammer to an orange and then massaging your prostate with the pieces..
Name:
Anonymous2010-04-21 8:00
Java:You take an orange from refrigerator, wash it, dry it with cloth, put it on plate. You salivate, anticipating an easy task. You take a knife and consult the book on industrial cutting patterns. You begin to feel nervous, holding the orange with a fork and carefully cutting it to standard 4 piece synergized enterprise orange meal. You swipe the juice off the plate with a napkin.You then pause and detect the seeds, removing them from each piece and ponder upon the preferred methods of eating. You take a book from the shelf entitled "Learn optimal orange eating in 24 hours". You take the easiest approach: placing the orange peel against your mouth you try to gnaw the threads and juicy parts.
After the meal you wash your mouth, dispose of the garbage and congratulate yourself with such an accomplishment.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 8:05
C: You take the nearest orange, cut an opening and remove the peel. You then proceed to separate the bulk into parts and extract the juicy parts by cutting another opening in each part. If you make a mistake your orange becomes a bloody mess, but carefully selecting cutting locations will makes it an easy meal. You will collect the orange remain sometime, but its not a priority and you have plenty of oranges to eat.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 8:14
Haskell: You eat an orange with a spoon, removing the top part with a spoon cut and splashing juice everywhere. Its extremely labor intensive but you have so much fun in the process you forget it. Your mom eventually collects the orange peel and cleans the room.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 8:19
LISP: You peel an orange an put it into a juice mixer, with a cup attached nearby. It not very fast mixer however, so in the mean time you read a charter of SICP and redecorate your personal Sussman shrine. You would clean the mixer later, such matters shouldn't interfere with the process of orange eating.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 8:24
COBOL: You eagerly await the orange truck as it unloads nearby. You are hit by an old half-rotten orange which you hide into your pocket. Back home you you remove the bad parts, peel it and try to make the orange a part of a fruit salad. You present your poor family with your custom made salad. They probably wished for something more expensive, but you can't afford it.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 8:31
JavaScript: Your pet monkey steals an orange. You don't know how it was done or where it been, but you just got one. You casually peel it by hand and chew it, spitting seeds everywhere.
Your monkey looks at you contemplatively awaiting some reward or command. You leave the room walking completely unaware of what you've eaten before, just staring at clouds. Back in the room your monkey eats the peel.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 8:35
C++: You try to eat an orange with a knife, but cut yourself in process. You lick the blood and the juice in cacophony of tastes, orange peels and unsatisfied hunger. As soon as you finish you discover you have to spend a hour cleaning up, but the experience was worth it.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 8:41
APL: You pick an orange, throw and shoot it. Juice falls down exactly the locations where you have placed cups. Your last shot guide the orange into the garbage bucket and you pull the cups back to you, since they all are connected with the same string.
You filter and mix the contents of all cups for a refreshing drink.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 8:50
BBCODE: You try to sell orange balls, calling them "Oranges" while sniffing glue and listening to Kraftwerk.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 8:57
Ruby: You pick an anime which revolves about teenage girls eating oranges all day and having a good time. You put it on repeat, adjust your figurines, and grab an orange. You throw it at the ceiling screaming something affirmative, some phrase you picked up from the anime. You get excited and get the peel off accidentally,but forget about it. You grab a juice pack from the refrigerator, and ponder on the hidden meanings of oranges in the anime.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 9:01
VisualBasic: You play with oranges as if it was basketball. People
look at you funny, but you persist and try to discover new orange throwing techniques. You wander the streets looking for someone to share your skills and challenge them for oranges in your pocket.
Eventually you're recruited by a passing orange league agent.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 9:11
Ada: You're invited to a orange farm to taste some oranges, but deep down you suspect something. You see a watermelon on a long fork, stuck on the ground. In a distance is a team of soldiers is coloring similar watermelons with orange paint, accompanied by guard dogs. You walk away, confused.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 9:14
FORTH: ." orange" find peel eat ;
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Anonymous2010-04-21 9:21
Forth: You make an elaborate contraption, designed to make juice with minimal labor expenses. A truck unloads oranges into a designated pipeworks which all lead to your juice machine. The orange are peeled, juiced and discarded and juice is flowing smoothly into industrial containers attached to the machine. You taste the first batch and adjust the settings, leaving the process on overnight.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 9:26
Prolog: You try to figure out how to eat an orange but you go into an infinite loop. You change your plan a little bit, You find yourself compelled to stick the orange up your ass.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 9:30
HTML: You lick old orange peels, and imagine what an orange would taste like.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 9:34
Haskell: You sit in lotus position with inscence burning. There is an orange on the table. You sit thinking for a few hours. Then suddenly you grip part onto it and peel the orange into a single spiral in one flick of your wrist. You spend the rest of the week playing with interesting methods of folding the orange peel up.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 9:37
Scheme: You take your time-continuation device out of your pocket and travel back in time, you're there about to eat an orange but you steal it out of your own hands and bite into it. There is a dreadful fight you lose track of which one you are.. all you can do it kick and bite because you're being held down. You headbutt yourself really hard and start seeing stars, all you an think is "I need to get back" you grope around for your continuation... it's missing! You can't see anything, there's blood dripping down your face, why??? you scream but it's just a gurgle, you can't breathe anymore.. you must have bitten through... time is slowing down into a droopy viscous sensation, you can't feel anything anymore. You have died.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 9:38
Python: You find an older boy to help you peel the orange. When you are away to eat the orange, Guido tells you that oranges are unpythonic and you should have a zucchini instead.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 9:39
tcl: You scrumple up some newspaper and paper mache it, once it's dry you paint it orange and eat it.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 10:02
PHP: somebody gives you an orange one day and before eating it you think to yourself: there might be some good money in oranges. So you get some wood, some cardboard boxes and you build yourself a little orange juice stand. But you never get past the first costumers. So you invest a little bit. You hire the Indian boy who lives down the street and he paints your stand for a modest amount. You wait a while, but you're not still not getting any costumers. So you give up on the idea altogether and abandon your little stand. A week later you pass by and notice somebody else is using it. Even the oranges are the same; you marked them. You casually mention that you built the stand. The clerk says his boss is not around, but he offers you some free juice. You're thirsty, so you accept it.
It tastes horrible.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 10:07
>>25 costumer
Why would you sell oranges to theatre persons?
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Anonymous2010-04-21 10:20
AutoIt: You feel successful. You just transplanted photosynthesis genes into yourself. As you turn to the sun, orange juice flows through your veins. You breath in deeply and wait for clouds to pass. It feels like a true orange experience.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 10:47
Brainfuck: You grow an orange from a seed. Watering it and removing weeds, calculating optimal lighting inside your room and choosing the right fertilizer . You eventually grow a single orange. You can't bring yourself to eat it and instead freeze dry it as memorabilia. You tell all your friends about your orange.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 13:31
Perl: You dive into a box filled with many kinds of fruit. You feel around for an orange, and it takes several attempts until you are content you have an orange. While still submerged in the fruit box, you decide on how to peel the orange. You contemplate using (in roughly this order): a brick, a hammer, your fists, your forehead, a spoon, a fork, a knife... You give up and bite into the orange, only to discover that it is a pineapple. This entire process is repeated several times until you actually find an orange. Once you bite through its leathery flesh, you find it is underwhelmingly juicy. You then proceed to eat it anyway, but you decide to only chew through your lips, so your teeth do not actually touch any orange.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 14:04
Adobe Flex: You attain an orange. You bb=uy a robot that holds chopsticks, and it uses them to pick up a potato peeler and a knife, and then proceeds to try and peel the orange. After much labor, the robot manages to remove the skin of the orange, the promptly locks the orange away and asks you for more money before you can implement a non demo version of orange peeling. Thinking yourself clever, you read "Lazlo's guide to orange peeling", attempt to peel the orange using chopsticks yourself, and manage to stab yourself in the eye. You die or blood loss, thirsty and hungry.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 14:06
^ugh^
Adobe Flex: You attain an orange. You buy a robot that holds chopsticks, and it uses them to pick up a potato peeler and a knife, and then proceeds to try and peel the orange. After much labor, the robot manages to remove the skin of the orange, then promptly locks the orange away and asks you for more money before you can implement a non demo version of orange peeling. Thinking yourself clever, you read "Lazlo's guide to orange peeling", attempt to peel the orange using chopsticks yourself, and manage to stab yourself in the eye. You die of blood loss, thirsty and hungry.
Name:
Anonymous2010-04-21 18:32
Objective-C: If so inclined, one can shove oranges up their own anus or other parties'. Your app is rejected for inappropriate content.
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Anonymous2010-04-21 19:18
>>23
I half-expected the story involving the older boy to go in a slightly different direction. If you catch my drift.
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Anonymous2010-04-22 0:53
>>8
And when you go to drink it, you end up choking on a cudder.
>>34
Maybe if you got your oranges from someplace shady. Otherwise, it should be a mighty fine orange juice.
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Anonymous2010-04-22 2:29
Erlang: Hungry and half-asleep, you walk in a dimly lit room. A refrigerator door is slightly open and you look in, search for something edible. You try to bite an orange, but...suddenly it bites you back, grinning like a maniac. Your table swivels its legs around you. You're trapped and screaming for mercy, while being eaten alive by oranges.
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Anonymous2010-04-22 4:42
Oz: Same as above, except you become a zombie orange who then proceeds to eat eatself using other oranges as spoons.
>>39
Well, it happened once before, so you never know. It's not likely though, the only reason /prog/ was mentioned was because the whole "if programming languages were *" was pretty popular at the time
Name:
Anonymous2010-04-27 18:58
<?php
// WHAT IF PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES WERE METHODS TO EAT AN ORANGE
// version 2.0
// Fixed some errors
// (Thanks Jeff!)
// ~ * ThE /PrOGRiDeR/ MaFiA * ~
echo("
PHP: somebody gives you an orange one day and before eating it you think to yourself: there might be some good money in oranges. So you get some wood, some cardboard boxes and you build yourself a little orange juice stand. But you never get past the first customers. So you invest a little bit. You hire the Indian boy who lives down the street and he paints your stand for a modest amount. You wait a while, but you're still not getting any customers. So you give up on the idea altogether and abandon your little stand. A week later you pass by and notice somebody else is using it. Even the oranges are the same; you marked them. You casually mention that you built the stand. The clerk says his boss is not around, but he offers you some free juice. You're thirsty, so you accept it.