Not a troll

you guys are probably going to think this is a troll, but whatever.
I'm a complete programming virgin, and I want to pick it up.
I have (sigh) an iMac and a Macbook, both with Ubuntu running on a partition (gifts from my parents, I swear I'm not that bad on my own).  Which language should I start with, and are there any easy sites or guides that'll help me learn the ropes?

>>17
I assure you that even as I typed my humorously exaggerated reply, my face remained in the well-known arrangement that people come traveling from afar to bask in the tranquility of.