Not a troll

you guys are probably going to think this is a troll, but whatever.
I'm a complete programming virgin, and I want to pick it up.
I have (sigh) an iMac and a Macbook, both with Ubuntu running on a partition (gifts from my parents, I swear I'm not that bad on my own).  Which language should I start with, and are there any easy sites or guides that'll help me learn the ropes?

>>1
Start with a simple scripting language like Python.  Look at other people's code, try to modify it to do something a little different, then add a new feature or two.  Then write something of your own.  Voilà, your a programmer.