Anyways, please listen to me. Not that it's really related to this profile. I went to /prog/ a while ago; you know, world4chan? Well anyways there was an insane number of C programmers resolving memory leaks there, and I couldn't post. Then, I looked at a stickied thread, and it had "CFLAGS tutorial" written on it. Oh, the stupidity. Those idiots. You, don't come to /prog/ just because it's got a CFLAGS tutorial, fool. It's only CFLAGS, CFLAGS are a workaround for crying out loud. There're even entire teams here. Team of 6, all out for some m4d CFLAGS, huh? How fucking nice. "Alright, I'm gonna compile with -O4 -malicious-double!" God I can't bear to watch. You people, I'll give you algorithm help if you get out of my Internet. /prog/ should be a bloody place. That tense atmosphere, where two nerds on opposite sides of the thread can start a fight over the forced indentation of code at any time, the stab-or-be-stabbed mentality, that's what's great about this place. People with lives should screw off and stay home. Anyways, I was about to start trolling, and then the bastard beside me goes "-fpie-extensions and -ffaggot-protector, with extra security." Who in the world uses insecure languages nowadays, you moron? I want to ask him, "do you REALLY want to compile it with extra security?" I want to interrogate him. I want to interrogate him for roughly an hour. Are you sure you don't just want to try saying "I'd better use Haskell for this"? Coming from a /prog/ veteran such as myself, the latest trend among us vets is this, virtual machines. That's right, programs running in virtual machines. This is the vet's way of programming. Using a virtual machine means your program doesn't have direct access to the system. But on the other hand the program runs a tad slower. This is the key. And then, it's Rapid Application Development. This is unbeatable. However, if you use this then there is danger that you'll be marked by the process scheduler from next time on; it's a double-edged sword. I can't recommend it to amateurs. What this all really means, though, is that you, should just stick with today's special.
I had a strange dream the other day. I was riding the bus when all of a sudden this huge black snake head with retarded-looking eyes pops through the window and screams loudly "HAVE YOU READ YOUR SICP TODAY?" The bus had just stopped beside the library, and I ran inside as quickly as possible; the snake head was now chasing me around as I frantically searched for the legendary book among the shelves. I spotted the distinctive blue cover and ran toward it, the huge head inches from my ass. With great force I pulled the book from the shelf and instinctively directed it at the black head which by now was dripping with saliva at the mouth. It disappeared as it made contact with the book, disintegrating into a flurry of glowing parentheses.
I just sat there dazed for a few seconds, watching the feathery parehtneses slowly become smaller and fade away into nothingness. Slowly, I stood up, still clutching the purple book. I wondered about what I should do with it, then decided to put it back on the shelf. After doing so, I walked back out to the exit and boarded a bus, for where I did not know. The bus driver looked strangely familiar as I dropped the coins into the farebox;
"HAVE YOU READ YOUR SICP TODAY?" he suddenly yelled at me. Oh fuck, I thought to myself. Now I knew why he looked so familiar: He was The Sussman!
"Umm... no," I responded weakly. Suddenly his head looked a lot darker than it was a moment ago, and an evil grin appeared across his face. The bus's doors slammed shut and The Sussman's face turned an almost negroid black. His left hand shot at me and I could see that it was not a hand, but the head of a snake which protruded from its end. I turned around and ran towards the back of the articulated bus.
"Let me show you the power of Satori," The Sussman said in a deep hiss. His snakelike arm extended from his body towards me as I continued to run for what seemed like eternity towards the longbus's rear door.
"Longbus is loooooooooooooooooooooong", I thought to myself as I continued to run, the snake's head fast approaching. The bus seemed to go on forever. After a while, I passed the driver's seat. WTF, I thought. Ahead of me was The Sussman, standing in the aisle facing the same direction as me, with his left arm pointed forward.
I looked behind me, and saw the snake head was still approaching; I had managed to outrun it for a bit, and it was racing towards me. RECURSION! I jumped into the stepwell just as the head gained a sudden burst of speed, piercing through The Sussman and sending bright glowing parentheses everywhere. I watched first his body, then his hands disintegrate in the same manner that the head had earlier. The long black arm, floating in mid-air, slowly disappeared into a cloud of these glowing parentheses, and the snake's head, which I now noticed had come through the windscreen along with me, did the same after a few moments.
I stepped over to the driver's seat, looking for the door release switch. I found what appeared to be the switch and toggled it, but the doors did not open. Shortly after, a low hissing sound emanated from the bus itself, followed by the loud booming cry of "HAVE YOU READ YOUR SICP TODAY?", which felt as if it was coming from inside my head. Suddenly everything turned black.
I awoke to find myself still inside that mysterious bus, which was completely empty. The engine was still running, and it was still parked outside the library. "The library! Of course!" I thought to myself. As if my mind had been read, the front doors swung open and I ran from the bus toward the library, which also looked empty. I entered the building and frantically ran to where I had found the prized book earlier. The book was still there, and I grabbed it instinctively, then walked to the checkout. All but one counter was open, and there was a little Asian girl standing there; the place was deserted except for me and her. I put the book on the counter and she looked at it for a moment, then at me. "Have you read your SICP today?" she asked.
"You too?" I replied. "Have some tits and then GTFO and read your SICP!", she angrily shouted, then pulled up her shirt to show me her tits. She shoved the book into my hands and then disappeared spontaneously.
I left the library, and waited at the bus stop. The previous bus was no longer there. The girl I saw earlier walked up to me and looked at the Wizard Book I was holding, then glanced down at my crotch.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING STANDING THERE LIKE AN IDIOT? READ IT!" she suddenly shouted. Astounded, I quickly opened the book and started to read the first chapter. I was so intrigued by the book that I didn't notice she had begun to give me a blowjob. When I looked down, she took his mouth from my cock to angrily shout "GO BACK TO READING YOUR SICP" and so I did. I didn't even notice that I came until after she told me to stop reading. A short while later, the bus arrived.
Name:
Anonymous2008-01-07 8:49
Miko stood uncomfortably in her short skirt and blouse in front of her new boss. She was scared and embarassed by the unusual alterations to her body. Her petite breasts were now big and round, with thumb-sized nipples making little tents in her blouse. Her new PENIS was big enough to raise up her skirt and just poke out from under the edge of it. And her belly felt really weird.
"So you just want me to... pee?" she asked hesitantly.
"That's right, just into this cup," said her boss. "Just try it out."
"All.. All right..." she said. She was flushing a deep red. But suddenly she actually had to pee. It was tough making her muscles relax in front of a strange man, but eventually she could feel the liquid traveling down her PENIS from its base to its tip. It was cold!
Her boss held the cup out and after a couple seconds it filled with a red liquid. "Good job," he said. "Now see what it tastes like!"
She took a sip and it wasn't bitter at all, like urine, it was sweet! It tasted just like cranberry juice!
"And if they want ice, you know what to do," her boss said. "Yup," said Miko. She was ready to go on the floor.
The first table had a man and two women, probably a couple and a sister out for a date. She walked up and asked them what they wanted.
"We'll have two cranberry juices and a Pilsner for my sister," the man said. "Just a second," said Miko. She walked over to the man's glass and relaxed her muscles. Nothing happened for a couple seconds, but then her big half-erect PENIS filled with cold juice and out of the tip came a red splash of juice into the cup. Soon it was full. She used her hand to squeeze out the last drops.
"Do you want some ice?" she said. She squatted and pulled her skirt up to reveal her beautiful behind, little pink button right in the center. She pushed and from behind you could see the clear piece of ice, completely clean, squeezing through her butthole, falling into the glass. It was really cold! Two more came out, plop! plop!
She had no idea what they'd done to her gut but it was really weird. She kinda liked it! The whole situation was making her aroused and she was getting really stiff!
After she filled the woman's glass from her inexhaustible PENIS (there was always more juice and she could change the flavor just by thinking), she opened up her blouse and drew some beer from her huge breasts for the other woman. But as she was walking to her next table, one of the other tables called her over. There were two guys there, probably in their twenties. One of them was having ice cream.
"Hey, waiter! Server!" he called. She walked over, conscious of the fact that she wasn't carrying any equipment - plates, cups, food, anything. Everything she needed was all inside her new body. As she walked up to the table, she could feel the weight of her erect PENIS wobbling from side to side, cold from serving the juice. It felt really odd. She wanted to shake it back and forth for some reason.
"Thanks so much", said the guy when she reached his table. "Just a second..." He grabbed her erect PENIS and brought it over to the ice cream. It felt so weird to have this stranger's hands around her PENIS. But he began moving his hand up and down her shaft, applying the right amount of pressure, and it began to feel really good. She hadn't been told about this part of the job! She could feel a warm feeling right above her VAGINA right at the base of her PENIS that began to spread into the shaft. He sped up and the pleasure spread throughout her body as she rapidly approached orgasm. It was a jangling, pulsing feeling that she hadn't ever felt before! She broke through an invisible wall, moaning and hiccuping in astonishment, as great steaming chocolate gobs of syrup spurted out onto the man's ice cream.
He slowed down as she spurted and when she was done he sucked the last bit of syrup from her glans. The whole thing had taken around twenty seconds. She wanted to collapse on top of this young man but instead she smiled and said, "Have a nice day sir!" and walked to her next table.
Miko stood behind a thin plywood wall at the festival outside the cafe with plugs in her ears. Passers-by looking at the wall would see a painted picture of a woman at the beach, but Miko's gigantic, creamy naked breasts stuck out from two holes in the wood through the torso of the painted woman's svelte swimsuited figure. Miko's erect PENIS stuck out incongruously and egregiously through another hole in the wall, not lining up in any aesthetic way with the woman's body. Miko couldn't see if anybody was looking. Her PENIS hardened further and she flushed bright red, knowing that everybody could see her most private parts but nobody knew it was her. A minute passed in electrically charged silence. Because of her earplugs, she didn't know whether there was a crowd out there or anybody at all. Suddenly she felt a hand grab her left breast. She drew in a sharp intake of breath. Whoever it was began to knead it slowly. She arched her back in arousal, and imported German beer sprayed out from her nipples. Then she felt the tongue on the head of her cranberry-red PENIS...