REAL - - has some theology in it. Also the preface is not for you, just so you know.
This comes unedited, raw, be gential with critisisms of spelling, grammer, and no attempt to be tackt. I would but Its not in the moment.
Also keep in mind that it reads very different. I've had a chance to read it once though and it reads more coherent than I thought it would. Almost intellectual, altleast in comparison in that it was a last resort letter written in the greatest depths of emotion that three years of unreasonable pain could afford. Having planed much to communicate with you guys and then realizing that you would be too dense for and planned staged attack based on the best books on strategy, warfare and resource development. Hey, if something is worth doing it's worth doing right, or in this case wrong. It's all I've got. And thinking as I wrote it, Ah ha, how could anyone not understand this when I am strait forward honest and reckless. Raw emotion coming out and displaying three years of inward anger and conflict. But reading though it I think of what Moroni wrote: essentially they will laugh because we can't communicate the spirit of our thoughts. I fear that it may not do its job when I had hoped for a sure fire thing. Things like the reference to the comfort of Jesus's words, unplanned, truly raw emotion, read like something out of the Christmas ensign. Instead of crying and realizing that I thank Jesus so much for his comfort and seeing how even just his word translated several times over still remain thee most prime example of comfort in the face of true hopelessness that anyone could right, and how special that is to me for what I've been through.
This was a last resort attempt at a three year attempt at well.. what it is. It should be read as such and respected. The cronicalizing of your morals depends on it. I don't care if it can't read the way I wrote it. You better get from it what it was. Which is the only way I could have myself understood, have what was done to me understood, test your moral standing, and reconcile conflicts.
Why Why Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiy,
are you people so hard to talk to. Do you understand what I've been through because you all have an inability to talk to people. Eighter you people label people prematurely and write them off. Or you just never write back instead of just telling them you don't want to talk to someone.
I would give anything to be sure to have you talk to people the way they deserve to be talked to. ANYTHING. Please Please Please talk to people. I would give you all the money I've got, every dime that I earn until I die to know that I got you to promise to talk to people. Who cares about money!!! Burn everything we own, who CARES!!!!! I will fly to provo right now and we will shake on it. I promise for real that I would. Take advantage of me... you can. I will leave knowing that I don't have to worry about you hurting people like this. Consiter this letter a contract. I will do it if you want. I promise.
Talk to people
Its what normal people do!!!!! They talk to peeeeeeeepole!!!!!! You have no clue how much I've had to work around all of you to try and talk. Remember taaaaaaaaaaaaaalk (southern drawl retarded) taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalk. Again its what people do to take care of situations.
I HAD A BROKEN ARM WHEN I TRIED TO TALK TO YOU!!!!!. I wrote every freeeken letter with one arm because talking is what people do........................ So do you understand how awful it is to remember every day for threeeeee years how heartless people are. Do you know what its like to write those very private words just to have them treated like nothing send them offfffff unedited because its just tooo much to edit them with one arm!! :<<<<<<<<<<<< WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH!! Knowing that those letters send so sloppy will embarase me hoping, hoping that the person on the other end might be human enough to look past it.
If only one person could understand that this is what defines my character. That this is who I am... I am my memories. And no one, not my friends, not my family know who I am. I am this. I am love. Love for the world that it might treat it's self better than this. To know that I am better because God lifted me out of the pain I could never believe I felt and gave me a chance to base myself on what I've seen. That I might with strength fight for a better world.
Well I tried to forgive, but I misunderstood how it was done. I thought it was just to forget what was done. But this was just denial and it would haunt me at night to TRY and understand who would do the things these people have chosen to do. To never think beyond there own self and see it from another end.
This inability to figure out how to set this in my past caused me to pray more. I already knew who I was but I needed to know how to be comfortable with well.. everything. I then read in Matt just at a glance one day. Note: The words of JESUS. what could be so comforting?
Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the alter, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;
Leave there thy gift before the alter, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
I think what he is saying is that it doesn't matter which side we are on. We need to be mature enough to try and reconcile a situation no matter what side we are on, even if it mean going to someone and telling them what they have done even if there is the chance that they will take it as an insult instead of a chance for two lives to be in harmony.
To have the person who did the most wrong against me be my brother again, (well your not a boy I guess). This is good and fullfulls every unsatisfied wound.
To have one person who knows what I've been though. Just one. Another human being, because it impossible to explain this to another.
So a quick list of grievances, incomplete and unpolished.
Keep in mind that this isn't the point of the letter. Sorry if I offend but I can't just keep it to myself any longer.
Mike, you asserted that I was a creep and were quick to judge. I am not a creep. I am an upright citizen, always helping the elderly, I did today. Hard working. And an enjoyable person to talk to. And a Patriot to the death Disclaimer: The analogy doesn't work all the way though. If your wife had just died, and you in emotional distress and looking for comfort, I butted in and stated that you were an adulterer and shouldn't care anyway. How would that make you feel, especially you knowing that it is slanderous. Only then would it be OK for you to claim that what you did was not a big deal.
Also Mike. Your inability to trust another person scares me. It seems I could have been in a life or death situation and you would have believed I was lying. Can't you trust another person. I believe I deserve more respect than that. You are in fact in a great debt of respect. In an older time the same actions would have resulted in a duel and your head wuo..... Ahh , lets not go there. Really, in older times that level of distrust and disrespect would be considered the mark of one with zero or negative honor and it would be considered a duty to well, .... so no one else in town would have to live around you. We put up with it today and will look past it, and of course it is my Christlike duty, but no one wants that kind of crap from you. And in older times we wouldn't have it.
Melissa. Well, all of that stuff would be private, seeing as I made the mistake loving you then. In a way I have found this to be true though. Of the few girls I have ever been able to honestly say I have loved, and really really mean it, that number being two, a level of platonic love is always present and I care. That being said I care deeply about you getting past this inability to communicate and dampened level of care. What do I know. I've only seen a few instances, including just lately. But it has been 100% Do you have a heart? I'm more worried about others than myself. If you do, to what end does it stop working? Does it only work when convenient? When you are married, to what end will it go when things get bad? Will if fail then too? Poor hubby! He doesn't deserve that.
About grievances and you. Look I can't just not let you know them. I won't do that. I won't mean them in a mean way. But I will stop at no end to make sure you do here them. Remember, someone telling another about whats been done wrong is just communication. It's what most of us do.
Notes::
Really, take me up on the money thing. I would gladly live the rest of my days in slavery knowing what I would know then. Life would be meaningfull and I could die happily. I mean that.