Easy first-time languages

Okay, I'm completely new to programming. Java's giving me headaches since I've never done OOP before.

I'm trying to be a true hacker on steroids, can you help me /prog/?

I tried asking this in /g/ but I'm still indecisive.

>>66
Programming languages should not be optimized to be readable by those who do not know how to program. That kind of braindamage is what inspired COBOL.