Easy first-time languages

Okay, I'm completely new to programming. Java's giving me headaches since I've never done OOP before.

I'm trying to be a true hacker on steroids, can you help me /prog/?

I tried asking this in /g/ but I'm still indecisive.

>>1
If your goal is becoming a hacker, skip the programming part altogether.  Looking and sounding like a hacker is much more important, so start dressing like a raver, get some piercings, read slashdot religiously, and start randomly ranting about how libertarianism and Ron Paul are the only hope for humanity.

It is also important that you lose any aversion you might have to fat chicks with kids, as these are the only women willing to sleep with hackers.