I might resurrect the old other themes if you're nice, and make one that looks new and original. That way this won't have to be new and original and can concentrate on being awesome.
But, sadly, since you:
1. have javascript and cookies disabled
2. think this is somehow span/div misuse when it has structure with all the CSS disabled
3. like tables
4. like tables
I think you may be CRAZY! Or living in 1998.
Therefore I will make sure to implement all your suggestions using JS DOM manipulation, which won't work on your WebTV.