I speak American English

I know some American English!

-Clears throat-
F: Can you please tell me where the restroom is?
AmE: I CAN'T FIND THE RESTROOM I'M TOO FAT TO EVEN TURN AROUND BY MYSELF

F: May I pay electronically?
AmE: WE USE CHECKS. YEAH, WE'RE RETARDED

F: Omelette du fromage.
AmE: CHEEZ WHIZ ON BACON WITH CHOCOLATE CHIPS

F: Good morning, madam.
AmE: BEAT IT OR I'LL CRUSH YOU WITH MY 500 POUNDS OF LARD

Jealousy. Pure jealousy.