How to be a Liberal in Ten Easy Steps

1. Read outdated history/anthropology books. While knowing about the history and ethnogrophy of other cultures is important, it pays to make sure you are getting it from the right source. Generally speaking, you're going to want to focus on those books written in the late sixties and early seventies, as they tend to be the most politically correct. Newer evidence might prove that, say, cannibalism really did used to be prominent among the natives of New Guinea, but that does not mesh with your humanitarian worldview, so disregard it. You are a historical traditionalist; don't let those newer "facts" destroy your traditions.


2. Always bring up Israel. There is no such thing as a political, social, religious, environmental, or sexual controversy that cannot be used as an opportunity to bash Israel. The proper way to do this is as follows:

Poster One: so, what do you guys think of the new welfare bill?

Poster Two: ISRAEL IS STOPPING US FROM HAVING WELFARE BECAUSE IT IS A RACIST TERRORIST REGIME!!1

Poster One: wtf?

Trust me, it will make your enlightened, liberal sensibilities that much more prominent.


3. Play the martyr. When someone says we shouldn't allow illegal immigration, don't just speak on behalf of illegal aliens; BE an illegal alien. Cry. Scream. Accuse whoever you are arguing with of rape. Act as if the violent, nationalistic vices of your opponent are sucking the life out of the earth (and by extension yourself, since you are the earth's spokesman). You are defending the world from evil; never let anyone forget that, even for a second..


4. Advocate an implausible political/social/economic ideal. Being down to earth and realistic is for nasty, heartless conservatives; YOU'LL SHOW THEM!!! Marxism is a good place to start, but if you really want to let the love flow, you'll have to at least lean toward ideal anarchy. Quoting a recognized political nutcase (Mao, Servanarola, etc) as an exemplar of your particular ideal is just icing on the cake.


5. Do drugs. Psychoactive drugs are the leading cause of western liberalism. Keep smoking, and you'll be sure to stay on the right path.


6. Unfavorably compare white Christians to the rest of the world. White is the worst skin color, Christianity is the worst religion. Together, the two are intolerable. Does it seem logical that, since accepting all races and cultures as valuable is an important part of your worldview, you should accept Caucasian Christians just as much as everyone else? NO! GET THAT THOUGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW! The White Man Is The Devil. This cannot be emphasized enough.

Remember also that all religions stress personal freedom, equality, and respect for the earth, EXCEPT Christianity. Christianity is based first and foremost on capitalism, corporatism, mysogyny, and killing babies. Why else would the Christian west be so eager to destroy all those peace-loving Muslim "charity organizations?"


7. Post "Mad World" vids on Youtube. To prove the legitimacy of whatever cause you are currently advocating, collect some random footage of Darfur/Remallah/New Orleans/Atlantis, mix up the images with some funky zoom angles, and play Gary Jules' cover of the Tears for Fears song "Mad World" in the background. Everyone will realize the scope of the suffering you are trying to prevent, and will hastily flock to your banner. Nothing proves a point like Tears for Fears.


8. Insist that the government is trying to get you. The Man is an evil, white, Christian guy who knows all about you, and feels threatened by your love of peace, respect for nature, and worship of the dignity of mankind and wymynkind; he will do everything in his power to mock, undermine, arrest, torture, and brainwash you. You as a person are that important. Just to prove that you aren't afraid of him, commit as many random small-time crimes as you can, like vandalism, hardcore drugs, and petty larceny. This will show that you are the better person.


9. ???


10. Profit!

1 & 2 seem more Conservative

Why is liberalism such a contentious subject in America? Isn't it the founding ideology of your entire country?

>>3
Not the Liberalism that's being practiced today.  We have three forms of Liberalism today:

Ancient Liberalism.  These people are the tiny minority, sadly, but they do conform to the LIBERTY that's supposed to be represented by originating Liberalism.

Militant Liberalism.  These people have a yuppie utopia in mind and are willing to use all possible force to attain it.  These people call themselves Liberals but as militant ones, they are actually Fascists and Socialists.  They love huge government as long as "the rich" pay for it and it produces more coffee shops for themselves.  They are about half of the Liberals you see today.

Corporate Liberalism.  These people have confused money with freedom.  Naturally, they want to transform all of society into one huge ATM for themselves.  Logically, they also love huge government as long as it produces more opportunities to sell overpriced stocks to the general public.  They form the other near-half of Liberals seen today.

How to be a Neoconservative in Ten Easy Steps

1. Read no history books other than the Bible. Some asshole who visited the Galapagos Islands thinks we evolved from PRIMATES? Make sure to have your argument ready in case a godless liberal tries to claim as much: "I DID NOT EVOLVE FROM A MONKEY!" Also, you might want to move to Kansas.

2. Remember that Israel is ALWAYS RIGHT, no matter what. Human rights abuses? Justified. Military invasions? Warranted. Innocents being caught in the crossfire? The moral high ground. See, unlike dirty Muslims, Jews are just like us- only they haven't found Jesus yet. But don't worry, we're workin' on that.

3. When in doubt, cite your earwax. "What's that you say? Influxes of immigrants have always been a direct enabler of eventual wage increases across the board? I'm sorry, I can't hear a thing you're saying, quotas are necessary to protect our culture, and were not at all established because of a racism-fueled misunderstanding of their economic value!"

4. Never advocate a deviation from the law, even when amendment of the law is the issue at stake. "We can't change immigration laws, because they're called ILLEGALS! Man, can you read?"

5. Fuck little boys, prostitutes, burly men, or some combination thereof. Given the proliferation of Republican sex scandals in congress, if you live in a Republican district, it's likely your representative is doing so right now!

6. Always favorably compare Americans to the rest of the world, and remember that the rest of the world hates us solely because of the legitimacy of that comparison. Middle Eastern hatred has nothing to do with colonial slashing of ethnic lines or Israeli displacement and abuse of their people, it's only because they HATE OUR FREEDOM. Remember that Islam is the source of all evil in the world. Nevermind that when Christianity was the same age Islam is now, it was almost wholly corrupted, based on power wealth, and hell-bent on torturing and killing anyone who didn't believe- historical precedent is NO EXCUSE, plus anything relating to Jesus is automatically excused from critical analysis.

7. Ignore whatever the major news media says. Just because a story by CNN is corroborated by dozens of major news outlets around the globe does NOT mean it's true. Liberal media. Anything that escapes Bill O'Reilley's blessed lips, however, is the veritable letter of the truth.

8. Continue to enjoy your government benefits while simultaneously bitching about your tax bill. "MAN, I'd get up and write a letter to my Congressman about cutting all this damn government spending, but I'm too busy eating government-paid-for food, watching public access television, sending my son to public elementary school, and not getting killed because of the protection of the police and military! Plus, he's probably getting sucked off by a 12-year-old congressional page, and I wouldn't want to disturb him."

9. ????

10. Prof- wait, nevermind, the economy's in the shitter. Recession!

More on How to Become a Liberal.

-Demand that taxes be raised, but contribute nothing extra on your part.  (You can always give more to the IRS, since you care so much)

>>5
Win

>>7
FAIL

>>5
>>7
Same person. Also unfunny.

>>8
>>9
Same Person. Also wrong and a butthurt neocon.

>>10
>>7
>>5

Same liberal.

>>1
KIKE.

>>11
wrong twice in a post with the length of two words, congratulations!

>>13
>>10
>>7
>>5
You're just mad because you spent 5 minutes typing >>5 and it turned out crap. I don't like either conservatards or libfags so you're hearing it straight from an objective source.

>>14
Fail more, retarded loser. Wrong again, and probably butthurt about spending time to write >>1 and then seeing people point out its hilarious self-contradictions.

Retarded again, as I can see you are butthurting more since you cried so hard. Congrats you have reached new levels of FAIL. Obviously you can't handle the fact that >>1 is revealing the faggotry of your most heartfelt ideals whilst you have nothing to show for it.

>>16
I see that your low level of intelligence has led you to lose coherence, and expose your lack of originality. Sad, indeed...

>>17
Typical idiotic stupidity as I predicted. You are playing right into my hands. You have no creativity and can only spout the same cliches over and over.

>>18
What you predicted was your own failure. I'm playing into your hands, right, as you are on your quest to reveal your creativity, which hitherto has been repeating what I said in a sad manner, and spouting hilarity like "idiotic stupidity", which I would expect from the mind of a hurt third grader. Oh my, I have "lost" this, by playing into your hands in your very mythic self-contradictory exposure of your own retardation, which actually was all a trick, right?

Reveal your insecurities and low intelligence elsewhere.

butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ butthurt fail cry more retarded loser stupid IQ

and people wonder why they changed /n/

>>20
It's funny because it's ironic. I wonder when will the retard face his own failure.

>>19
When will you stop crying! I will admit thus far this is a small victory for you as we are running on petty insults now as you and nearly forgotten the original statement I made that you are pathologically attempting to ignore. Unfortunately I have not forgotten and nothing now can stop me from pitying your failfaggotry.

Your  version of >>1 was clearly a waste of time written by a butthurt libfag with a retarded IQ level.

This is an irrefutable fact. There is something final and complete about this that surpasses anything you have said about me. In comparison my flaw of feeling the need to waste my own time responding to such a dumbshit motherfucker is minute. Your failings are all consuming and irrevocable, you are beyong redemption.

>>23
There is one irrefutable fact, and that is the fact that you are so grotesquely retarded and butthurt, you assumed samefaggotry to vent out your frustration, however, as I repeatedly stated and your pathetic mind repeatedly failed to grasp the fact that the particular piece wasn't written by me, and in continuation your way of retorting is almost copied and pasted from the posts which began with exposing your retardation and ended with showing what you are, which reveals the fact that in addition to being a retarded neocon, you also can't perform any original thought, which isn't surprising to the least. I suggest you to keep up with your retarded scheme of making false claims and then crying to cover up the failure that is yourself. Enjoy.

>>24
Your butthurtery is getting depressing now. Not only are you incapable of admitting your mistake and moving on but you neglect to thank me for pointing out how much of an immense hard crying failfaggot you are without a doubt are. It comes naturally to you and the only option left to you now is suicide. Sorry.

FUCK OFF! Get a room for gods sake. Both of you.

>>26
Would you like to join us? I'll give you 1 free cocksuck if you are willing to give it a try!

>>25
I think you are coming to terms with your own failure, because your butthurt ramblings are now more like BAWWW KILL YORSELF BAWWWWWW, which clearly means that you want me to die because I've been hurting your feelings so much. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that, I just meant to show the fact that you were retarded, so that you would act accordingly, so you would know why people are laughing at you when you say bush is communist and are "defending" it. I'm here to help you, my retarded friend.

>>1 here. This is my third post on this thread, counting the OP.

I'm pretty sure there are more than two people involved in the mutual accusations of butthurt and failfaggotry, even if none of them realize that. At any rate, however many of them there are, I can guarantee you that I am not one of them.

I'LL SHOVE MY FIST UP ALL YOUR LIBERAL CUNTS AND BURY MY BOOT ANKLE DEEP IN YOUR ASSHOLES!!!!

>>28
I've been taking the piss out of your for saying nothing but BAWWW U R BUTTHURT CRY HARDER KILL YOURSELF since the argument began and you have been on the defensive, quite a turn around and a grade A troll, in fact kind of funny, but we both know it is yourself you are describing. I would like to see such absurd trolls in the future however, time to cut the BAWWW U R BUTTHURT CRY HARDER KILL YOURSELF faggotry now though. It's kind of getting old and you're repeating it like some autistic kike who never left his mom's basement since high school.

>>31
Please learn English and come back. Your crying seems to be interfering with your typing or something, or are you raging because of your incompetence to retort, and your hands are shaking or something? Yes, I know you don't have either the intelligence or the knowledge to make a good post, but at least try to be coherent next time. Also, enjoy the ironic content of the rest of your post.

>>1
I wish you spent your time on more useful ventures, like, actually learning things...

>>32
That's a good one, but it's pretty obvious I did not make a single error in my entire post so that doesn't work. Better to fixate on one small typo and blow it out of proportion, that will put the victim on the defensive. You're not really that good a troll anyway.

RON PAUL /newpol/,

I have discovered an amazing site. Turn the volume for your computer ON, and go to http://blocked.on.nimp.org with Internet Explorer. After going there with Internet Explorer, go there with Mozilla Firefox.

>>34
Oh, so it wasn't a mistake, but it was an error caused by your illiteracy. Well, I should have guessed...