GO NUKES!

"I have decided that I am PRO-NUKE and that we should begin a grass
 roots campaign to step up both our PRODUCTION and USE of the cleanest,
 highest-yield weapons the latest bleeding edge technology can provide.
 The need should be obvious, even to Youth for Christ, those assholes.

  If we can create a fraggin' Jar Jar that ISN'T EVEN THERE, requiring
 actors to react to a steenky grip with a smiley face on a damned
 BROOMstick;

  if we can create satellites capable of reading the belt buckle of some
 gap-toothed, two-headed-sperm-generating drugstore cowboy in Buttface,
 Arizona;

  if we can spend $500 *MILLION* on the reconstruction of Kosovo so
 insane foreign BASTARDS we never liked to BEGIN with can work up to
 another, inevitable ethnic cleansing;

  if we can create plastic orifices so lifelike that they can do
 everything but spread your "bidness" all over town and run up your
 credit card bill in a drunken Saturday afternoon spree;

  and if we can provide obscenely swollen paychecks to lame-ass,
 Stepford-style SODOMITES so their psychotic, pampered LARVAE can take
 out a bushel full of their equally pinheaded CLASSMATES, then we should
 be able to devise a pinpoint delivery system for playing the ultimate
 game of WHACK-A-MOLE with every JACKASSED LACKWIT who is sucking up MY
 oxygen!

  I have every confidence in our system's ability to use the Sharper
 Image as a distribution node for modest missle delivery systems that
 can even be targeted on the next door neighbor and his GODDAMNED
 YAPPING DOG, KIDS AND WIFE, neatly vaporizing them and their entire
 plastic property while leaving YOUR hedge unruffled. I'm SURE they
 could easily recycle old medical waste and leftover "Men In Black"
 action figures into a potent explosive with a half-life so short, the
 kids can play in the yard an hour after the DETONATION, yee-HAW!!!

  BOOM!! No more dusty old Vermeer, pretentious Warhol, vans defaced
 with half-assed Michael Moorcock scenes or vomitous Todd McFarlane
 "art"!! BOOM!! No more GODDAMNED mincing Boy GEORGE,
 howler-monkey-hooting BRANDY, Kenny-fucking-ROGERS, off-pitch ALAINIS,
 crap-assed Cool Moe DEE pee-pee, Insane fucking CLOWN Posse screeching
 or Backstreet BUNGhole ululations!! BOOM!! No more Rosie O'Dyke, Family
 Splatters, hyper-bullshit NWO frackasees, testosteroni ball games,
 SINfomercials or loser, has-been, colostomy-hobbled 'stars' doing TV
 "salutes" to ANYTHING!!! BOOM!!

  No more LICORICE!!! I HATE that crap!! BOOM!!
(continued)

No more goddamned GOD, "BOB", BUDDHA, JESUS-ON-A-POGO-STICK, RABBIS,
 ROBERTSONS, POPES, HELLPOPES, DERVISHES, DOOM-CRYERS, FAKIRS, FAKERS,
 FALWELLS, IMAMS, SEERS, SOOTHSAYERS, STANGS, PROPHETS, fucking
 door-to-door MISSIONARIES, MEDICINE MEN or airport KRISHNAS!! HARE
 *THIS*, you saffron FUCK!! I'll TORCH your TOPKNOT!!! BOOM!! No more
 FRENCHMEN!!! BOOM!! BOOM!! No more $40 "GOURMET" Italian restaurant
 meals that taste like they were EATEN ONCE BEFORE THEY LADLED IT ONTO
 YOUR PLATE!!! BOOM!!

  No more turd-gobbling, piss-spraying BOSSES who need to be KNOCKED
 DOWN AND KICKED IN THE COCCYX UNTIL ALL THEY CAN DO IS TWITCH AND SHIT
 THEMSELVES!!! And speaking of TWITCHING and SHITTING themselves, no
 more posturing goddamned ICE-TURD, SHITWELL, IMPISSDER SMELLIOT,
 GILBERT-the-FOURTH-GALLON-OF-TOURISTA-DIARRHEA-TODAY or VANDERECTUM!!!
 BOOM!! NO MORE CRAPTASTIC *CURRENT*, *FORMER* or *WANNABE* SubPenius,
 DicksCordian or fill-in-der-blank, SELF-STYLED, faux in-Hell-ectual
 lizard-lickers who don't know a ROUND PEG from a SQUARE HOLE from the
 POT most of 'em don't have the aim to PISS IN PROPERLY!!! BOOM!!

  No more RACISTS, BLACK RADICALS, REDNECKS, NO-NECKS, FEMINISTS,
 CHICKEN-CHOKERS, TERMITES, F-MARTS, POLLSTERS, BUTT-SUCKERS,
 BUTT-KICKERS, TECHNO-DWEEBS, TAX-DIDDLERS, FORMER BOUNCERS WHO THINK
 THEY'RE PLATINUM TURDS, FINGER-SNIFFERS or foaming, hysterical
 PONTIFICATORS with DINGLEBERRY-bedecked FRUITY PINK HATS riding SHITTY,
 SPUTTERING LITTLE PCs through the mental health of OTHERS!!! BOOM!!
 Ooo!

  No more ball-twisting STUDENT LOANS, ovary-rotting JUNK MAIL or triple
 goddamned fucking ED McMAHON!!! "HO HO HO HO! Right you ARE, sir! Thank
 you, sir, please, may I have ANOTHER!!??" You BET, you FLATULENT CHIMP
 RECTUM!! You can have ONE NUKE AFTER ANOTHER UNTIL THEY CAN SEE YOUR
 ASS glowing from *PLUTO*!!! BOOM!! I got yer "Holocaustal" right HERE,
 you arrogant, smirking, shit-headed flagon of WOLVERINE JIZZ!!! BOOM!!
 Mince words with ME, will you, you swaggering bag of frog balls!?
 BOOM!!

  No more enraging e-mails from commercial e-RAPISTS telling me how
 THEY'RE gonna make ME rich!!! FUCK THAT!! NUKE, NUKE, NUKE, NUKE 'EM!!
 And NO MORE DUKE NUKEM!! In fact, TRIPLE GOD*DAMN* DUKE NUKEM!! I paid
 SIX DOLLARS for a plastic OCTABRAIN and the GODDAMNED FUCKING
 *TENTACLES* fell off within the first WEEK!!! NUKE *THEM* *TWICE!!*

  You all SICKEN me! You JEST about killing the Normals, but *I* want to
 nuke the SUPER BOWL and stack the SKULLS into a new Tower of Babel so I
 can climb up to the top and SCREAM AT GOD FOR HIS SHITTY HANDIWORK!!!
 How DARE He create us and then HINGE US IN THE MIDDLE so we have to go
 through life BENT OVER, just WAITING for the next BUTT-MISSLE!! If it
 weren't for that mole-masturbator Jim Bakker getting a big load o'
 KARMA up the tuchis, I'd want to shoot the ALMIGHTY up HIS eternal
 SPHINCTER with a Cobalt-40 suppository!!! BOOM!!!
(continued)

Now SOME mewling skanks will probably blanch in horror at my proposal.
 These pathetic pansies see life as a precious GIFT instead of the
 planetary SKIN DISEASE most of it represents.    They think I'd like
 people better and couldn't bear to SHOOT THEM IN THEIR DROOLING,
 SUCKER-RIMMED *FACES* if I got a glimpse of a snapshot featuring their
 WRETCHED OFFSPRING & POOTING GRANNIES!! BAH!
  If I got to know them PERSONALLY, I'd have to fend off their nasty
 BREATH, listen to their interminable, droning STORIES and scratch the
 RASHES that inevitably develop when I am exposed to their VIOLENTLY
 offensive NORMALCY! *I* *DON'T* *CARE!!!* I say NUKE 'EM until even the
 damned ROACHES turn to one another and say "my, it certainly is HOT in
 here, isn't it, Chauncey?" BOOM!!!

  GO NUKES!!! I AIN'T GONNA BE HAPPY UNTIL THEY'RE FLYIN' AROUND LIKE
 GODDAMNED GNATS IN A RAIN FOREST!!!! Never MIND "fuck you;" I say NUKE
 YOU and stop WASTING YOUR TICK-PICKING TIME with mere INSULTS and
 GUNS!!! I WANNA SEE NUKES A-POPPIN' IN NUMBERS THAT RIVAL THE NUMBER OF
 TIMES RICHARD FUCKING SIMMONS HAS PLAYED "RUMP RANGERS OF THE OLD WEST"
 WITH EVERY 'BODY BUILDER' IN THE TRI-STATE AREA!!!! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
 BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! *DAMN* *YOU* *ALLLLL!!!!!!* ("We'll meet again, don't
 know where, don't know whennnnn...")

  GO NUKES!!! GO GO GO GO GOOOOOO!!! And go Speed Racer, but don't go
 COUNTRY; have at least a LITTLE reserve, GODDAMN you! Aw, I'm just
 kiddin'. Oh NO, I'm NOT!!! A goddamned cock-ripping, blood-dripping,
 baby-on-a-spit, gobble-shit, tit-splitting, leech-hurling,
 colon-twirling, eyeball-puncturing, old-church-lady-punching,
 bone-scattering, soul-splattering, cat-sodomizing, poodle-clubbing FUCK
 to you ALL!!!! Except for Friday, Lil and Sister Decadence. Also, they
 can also swap clothing after the Big One, with a few minor
 modifications. They all like black, although Lil goes for rose hose on
 weekends.

  So, howyadoin'? "Go NUKES!" t-shirts available from ME, so I can build
 a working prototype in the backyard and use it to NUKE *ALL* OF YOUR
 GODDAMNED *ASSES*!!! G'day.

 Whew, I sure need some FROP, dontcha think?

  "Say, that Huey is ONE CRAZY FUCKER, ain't he?" IF YOU ONLY *KNEW!!*"

--Hellpope Huey, Church of the Subgenius
(end)

gtfo