If Kelly Clarkson plops her fat ass..

down on your toilet…

You better get the plunger ready.

She BEEFS.

She’ll drop 5 or 6 forearm-sized logs in there with no flushes in between. Rumor has it that on the set of “From Justin to Kelly” she used to shit in the shower and heel it down the drain.

what show is that, refreash my memory unless it was on Disney in which case I probably never saw it

You'll take my life but I'll take yours too
You'll fire your musket but I'll run you through
So when you're waiting for the next attack
You'd better stand there's no turning back.

The Bugle sounds and the charge begins
But on this battlefield no one wins
The smell of acrid smoke and horses breath
As I plunge on into certain death.

The horse he sweats with fear we break to run
The mighty roar of the Russian guns
And as we race towards the human wall
The screams of pain as my comrades fall.

We hurdle bodies that lay on the ground
And the Russians fire another round
We get so near yet so far away
We won't live to fight another day.

We get so close near enough to fight
When a Russian gets me in his sights
He pulls the trigger and I feel the blow
A burst of rounds take my horse below.

And as I lay there gazing at the sky
My body's numb and my throat is dry
And as I lay forgotten and alone
Without a tear I draw my parting groan.

When Metallica was good.

Do you mean Kelly Osbourne?

>>4
You are a complete moron. Try IRON MAIDEN.
>>3
Greatest ever.

Wow ! I know an Iron Maiden song! Ain't I cool! Paul Dianno, the forgotten front man did it just as well. "I'm Runnin' Free!"

HEARD A KNOCK ON MY DOOR THIS AFTERNOON. I LOOK THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE. SURE ENOUGH, IT WAS KELLY CLARKSON.
 
SHE SAID "THIS IS AN EMERGENCY, AND I REALLY NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM. I KNOW THIS IS WEIRD, BUT THERE'S A $100 BILL IN IT FOR YOU."

STARSTRUCK, I STAMMERED OUT "IT'S NO PROBLEM, YOU CAN USE IT," AND SHE PROCEEDED STRAIGHT TO THE LOO AT INCREDIBLE SPEED.

AFTER A FEW MOMENTS OF SILENCE, I STARTED TO HEAR WHAT SOUNDED LIKE A MIXTURE OF THE CLANKING OF HEAVY IRON COOKWARE, A FOGHORN, AND GRIEVOUS HARM BEING DONE TO A BULL RHINOCEROS. THE WALLS TREMBLED. I YELLED, BARELY OVER THE RACKET, "KELLY, IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT? I THINK WE'VE GOT ANOTHER EARTHQUAKE COMING." I COULD BARELY HEAR HER YELL OUT "IT'S COOL, BE OUT IN A SECOND, THANKS AGAIN."

AFTER MINUTES OF WHAT I ASSUMED WAS A POSSIBLE TIDAL WAVE, CLARKSON EMERGED FROM THE LOO. HER HAIR WAS IMMACULATE. AS SHE WAS WALKING OUT THE DOOR SHE PUT A $100 SPOT INTO MY PALM AND SAID A FINAL "THANKS."

BY THIS TIME, I HAD NEED TO TAKE A PISS MYSELF, AND WALKED TO THE BATHROOM. THE DOOR WAS BARELY CRACKED, BUT THE ODOR FROM WITHIN HAD ALREADY PERMEATED INTO THE HALLWAY. NOT WANTING TO WASTE ANY TIME, I JUST SAID "FUCK IT," AND BARGED IN HEAD FIRST.

MY EYES BECAME LARGE AS SAUCERS AS I SURVEYED THE DAMAGE. THERE WAS WATER EVERYWHERE. BRACKISH WATER, BROWN WATER, SHIT WATER, CHUNKS OF SHIT, DIARREAH, AND NO LESS THAN HALF A DOZEN QUARTER POUNDER LUNKER TURDS STREWN ABOUT. THE TOILET ITSELF WAS COMPLETELY BLOWN OPEN. BITS OF PORCELAIN HAD EXPLODED INTO THE WALLS, DESTROYING THE DRYWALL, TINY SHIT-CERAMIC BLOW DARTS. MY MAGAZINE RACK, FORMERLY FULL, MOSTLY OF MAD MAGAZINE AND ESQUIRE, WAS UTTERLY DESTROYED. YEARS WORTH OF MAD MAGAZINE FOLD-INS WILL NEVER WORK AGAIN, EITHER RIPPED INTO CONFETTI OR COVERED IN WET SCAT.

I CALLED A PLUMBING GUY IN ABOUT AN HOUR LATER. SAID HE'S ONLY EVER HEARD ABOUT ANYTHING LIKE THIS ONCE IN 40 YEARS. HE SAID THE PIPES UNDER MY HOUSE ARE PROBABLY ALL BLOWN, ALL THE WAY TO THE SEPTIC TANK. I'M FUCKED. MINUS KELLY'S GRACIOUS $100, ESTIMATES ARE LOOKING TO BE AT LEAST $19,000 TO GET THIS THING BACK IN SHAPE.

IF YOU'RE EVER AT HOME ON A DAY OFF, SITTING ON YOUR COUCH, WATCHING "THE PRICE IS RIGHT," AND HEAR A KNOCK ON THE DOOR...YOU MAKE DAMN SURE WHO IT IS. IF IT'S KELLY CLARKSON, YOU KEEP THAT DOOR LOCKED TIGHT. DEADBOLT IT TWICE IF YOU HAVE TO. DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I DID, FRIEND.