Gay hand invading my lap in the cinema

What do I do? The creeping queerhand is nearing my leg and it wants to cuddle it.

Oh man, you got a great pranking opportunity here.  Put a fake dick in your underwear, and tuck your real dick under your balls if you don't have room in there (try duck tape).  Let the dude pull your dick right out of your pants.  "IT CAME OFF!!!"