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Can people evaluate my story please?

Name: CruxSerpentes !!B2//qkVM963M531 2008-01-09 4:13

Rendezvous With A Stranger
Kenneth knew what he had done as soon as he closed the door. He drew a deep breath and walked down the steps of his now ex-girlfriend’s to his shoddy car. Hah! Shoddy was an understatement. Everything in his life was shoddy; from his crummy job to his fast food meals, to his shoes, whose soles were almost worn down all the way.
He made sure to take a shower before finally cutting off the failing relationship. He was unfortunate. Not untalented, mind you, just unfortunate. His cell-phone beeped. It’s surprising he even has a cell-phone. He reached into his pocket and fished it out amongst the gum wrappers and McDonalds receipts. “1 New Message” it blinked on the monochrome display. He walked to his car and slammed the door as he flipped his phone open. He didn’t recognize the number. A few more clicks and the tiny screen displayed the text, “come to zanzibar bridge come alone”.
A puzzled look appeared on Ken’s face. His thoughts raced with oh so many questions (Who is this? Why should I go? Is it safe? How did this person get this number? Why me? etc.). He revved up his engine and drove down the street. “What more could I lose?”, he thought. Strange sounds and clinks came up from the hood of his car. A few sputters later, it screeched to a halt. With a sigh of acceptance, he opened the door and started his trek on foot.
It was getting dark out. Second thoughts and doubts crept their way into the back of his brain. He approached the only street lamp that was lit. Dressed in a long overcoat and a hat that hid his face, a figure leaned against the light post. Kenneth stopped. He couldn’t turn around though. Nothing could make him turn around. So he swallowed his fear and pressed forward.
He walked and walked for what seemed like forever. He came up to the trench-coated humanoid until his face was right next to his. A whisper, barely audible, “The fortunate begets fortune. The talented begets talent, 1 year of your life, and you will have a balance.” Kenneth nodded, a year is nothing. The figure produced a crowbar and instantly, he was knocked out.
He awoke, head throbbing. He picks himself up and dusts himself off. But strangely enough, he was lighter in step, content, almost cheery. He walked back towards his car with a smile on his face.

Obituaries
Kenneth Smythe, 24
Found dead under a street light under Zanzibar Bridge. Autopsy shows death caused by excessive blunt trauma to the cranium. Further analysis reveals large malignant tumor in frontal cerebellum. Dr. Schicksal, respected oncologist, predicted that this man did not have a year to live anyway.

Name: Anonymous 2008-01-09 4:22

    When I was around 12 or 13 years old I would always change into shorts with no underpants on when my sister's friends came over. I would get a boner then lay on the couch, on my side, with one leg up so they could see my erect tween dong!

    I would watch them to see if they were looking but not directly. I used my peripheral vision to keep tabs on their gazes. This one girl tiffany would look at it like like every 10 seconds. Whenever she looked at it I got even harder.

    She would spend the night all the time and we'd stay up late. One time we were watching a movie and we were all under the blankets together (it was winter). Naturally I was free balling in shorts again. I positioned myself so that if I got hard it would touch her thigh.

    Then I started thinking the sexiest thoughts that a kid that age could think of. I could feel my bone growing and reaching out towards her leg. Finally the tip made contact with her thigh and she moved it away. I moved ever so slightly. I mean you could hardly tell I had moved at all and it was touching her again. She moved again. I was devastated and had pretty much given up.

    I went back to watching the movie. About 15 minutes later she rolled over so that her body was facing mine. She moved her hands forward underneath the blankets and accidentally touched my cock. Then something amazing happened! And now i can talk to animals! It's really cool!! but a complete secret... and you know what? Life's never been the same!

Name: Anonymous 2008-01-09 4:24

:(

Name: CruxSerpentes !!B2//qkVM963M531 2008-01-09 4:27

Anybody have any feedback?

Name: CruxSerpentes !!B2//qkVM963M531 2008-01-09 4:28

I should sleep.
See ya later lounge.

Name: Anonymous 2008-01-09 5:20

1it's so terrible you must be a troll, nobody is that fail. sage

Name: Anonymous 2008-01-09 5:46

>>2
Not bad.

Name: CruxSerpentes !!B2//qkVM963M531 2008-01-09 20:22

>>2

What do you like about it?

Name: Anonymous 2008-01-09 20:29

.>8
Then something amazing happened! And now i can talk to animals! It's really cool!! but a complete secret... and you know what? Life's never been the same!
That's the bit that made me lul.

Name: Anonymous 2008-01-09 20:38

>>9
:( not me.

Name: LordRiordan 2008-01-09 20:46

Its ok. The man needs better reason to go out to his destination. Also, story needs more build up or a shorter climax.

Name: RedCream 2008-01-09 21:20

As usual, story needs moar raep.

Name: Anonymous 2008-01-09 22:09

>>12
As usual, you are a faggot cock sucker.

Name: Anonymous 2008-01-10 0:54

>>13
Jeepers, you are a harsh mistress.

Name: Anonymous 2008-01-10 10:27

>>13
QFT!

Name: RedCream 2008-01-10 15:00

>>13
Not true.  What IS true is that the STORY.  NEEDS.  MOAR.  RAEP.

Of course, to be honest, what story DOESN'T need moar raep?

Name: Anonymous 2008-01-10 15:02

>>13
MOST QUOTED POST EVAR AWARD

Name: Anonymous 2008-01-10 15:51

>>13
ROFL

Name: Anonymous 2008-01-10 16:17

>>14
combobreaker

Name: Anonymous 2008-01-10 17:26

>>13
HAHAHA LOL

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