Name: Anonymous 2008-01-03 17:14
I was never a happy child, my younger siblings, being closer in age, were very close and always seemed to exclude me from what they were doing (they still do it even now). My father was, to an extent, tyrannical, and expected adult behavour from us as children. I always seemed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, or would do the wrong thing, quite innocently. So I was always getting into trouble. My Mum was a few years younger than my dad and could never stand up to him, so the strict discipline continued unchecked.
When I was 8 or 9, an older girl of around 11 or 12 persuaded me to do sexual things with her. it felt good, fun, exciting.
as I was a loner and had few friends, this experience kind of shaped my thinking, and soon I was persuading girls to show me theirs if i showed mine.
Except it went on until I was well into puberty, and well into my teens, but the girls, and there were a number of them were always of the same age, between 7 and 12. I think it was almost getting into trouble that stopped me, but there was other trouble with my cousin, whom I'd done these things with, which I found out much later on. In effect my Uncle held a sword over my head for many years.
I have to stress that I never ever touched. I only looked. Not that its an excuse for what I did.
When I was at high school I was vulnerable and was soon groomed by one of the teachers and was abused a little - him being naked and trying to wrestle my clothes off me. I felt I deserved it for what I had done to countless girls. and I still do feel that i deserve it. The abuse finally stopped when i was in my early twenties, when he managed to manually stimulate me to orgasm whilst I was drowsy after a meal.
Recently, when the feelings got too much I had a couple of encounters with guys, which I'm ashamed of because I'm not gay, I can't shake the pain and hurt off. Every day I hate myself for what i did. the Anti Depressants aren't working. I can't continue like this much longer. I just want to die.