Living a nightmare

Life isnt about waiting til life get better. Ive been waiting too long. It took me a long time to conceed hope. Ill never see a sunny day as long as I live. I cant imagine an existence as worthless as mine. Im just tired. Tired of being here. I dont know what I am. I dont know if there is a God or not. How the hell does anyone suppose to know that? Take your own life and you go to hell. Im in hell now. Who made that rule. Why would saving ones self from mental and physical anguish and persecution be called, selfish?

They told me there was nothing out there. Nothing to fear. Ever since I could remember ive always had fear. I fear life more than death. I dont want people to tell me to keep going or its gonna get better. Its not. At what point does it all just start to sound cliche. At what point do you stop and realize, im not gonna make it. I just want someones hand to hold while i close my eyes. Life is a sick game. I have had the rug pulled from under me constantly. Ive been beaten and abused all my life. Mentally tortured. I dont have any control over what happens to me. Im only the puppet. Im not the puppeteer.

You know on the way home from work I keep driving pass this young couple. I cant express the pain and anxiety that shoots through me. I always dreamed about what love would feel like. To hold someones hand. What a kiss feels like, what its like to hug someone other than your mother. Ill never know. Im convinced that my life and my fate was predetermined. I wasnt born to be a successful, happy person. I have every ingredient of a the human example of a nightmare. Ugly as sin. Weak. Mentally ill. Unintelligent. Black. Im just a waste of space and a waste of everyones time. I have nothing to contribute to life. And life has nothing to contribute to me. Other than more suffering. Why am i even writing this. I cant imagine a God who would care.

I hate going to bed alone! I want to be held every night while I sleep. When I wake up with a bad dream, I want someone there with me to hold me and tell me it's ok. And when I get scared in the night, I want her there to protect me.

Kill people. it's kinda fun.

You're dreaming of a fantasy.  The sooner you realize that your dreams will never come true, the sooner you can move on.  There is happiness out there and I'm sure you can find it, but you have to stop looking for it and move your head around a bit to see things around you that you may have missed from looking at the ground all the time.

I do not believe there is a god.  I do not believe there is a plan for me in life.  As an atheist, I blaze my own path, finding joy and happiness in what I do and strive to do.  While some people enjoy killing others for fulfillment, I enjoy playing/buying video games.  I work to attain this happiness.  I wouldn't say I have the best job in the world, but I don't mind it.  It helps me buy the happiness I'm looking for.

I also enjoy walking and looking at the countryside.  That is what I live for.  I love this Earth and hope to see more of it before I die.

That is why I have no interest in dying in the near future, there is quite a bit I wish to do before I die.  Also, I do not fear death.  If I'm walking and am hit by a drunk driver or something, it won't mind.  How can I mind?  I'll be dead.  The only people who would care are those around me left alive.  So while I don't go out of my way to live dangerously, it isn't something I ever worry about.

>>4
thats cool